Depressed...Again. Are You Really Surprised?

I'm deeply depressed right now. I'm not exactly sure why...it just sort of hit me.

I think it's mainly stress. There's just too much shit going on right now, and I don't really care enough to take necessary action to fix my problems. So, they just keep getting bigger. I keep going deeper and deeper into this fucking hole I've fallen into, and I don't know how to get out.

I just want to get drunk. Really, really fucking drunk.

But I guess I won't. Damn it.

Kameron Hardin Kiss Of Death

This has never happened before...

He has always told me that anytime I needed to talk to him, he'd be there for me.

Last night, when I wanted to talk to him about our friendship, of all things, he wouldn't talk to me.

I think the Kiss of Death has already started to work its evil. I'm pretty certain at this point that he's beginning to hate me.

I'm so hurt! Fuck! I don't want us to bicker constantly and always be down each other's throats. I feel like that's all we do anymore. I wanted to work things out and just talk last night, but I feel like I can never get him to open up and be honest about everything that bothers him. I'd rather him be brutally honest rather than allow things to go on without comment, when they might be harmful to our friendship.

I really just want to be stubborn now...I don't want to talk to him at all because I'm so hurt. Yet, there's still a stupid little part of me that wants to talk and try to work things out. I'm just scared that he'll shut me down again, so I'm not even sure that I'm going to bring it up.

I'm so fucking tired of this. UGH! :(

I Just Wanna Get Royally Fucked Up Right Now...

I always feel this way when I argue with someone. I hate that it even turned into an argument, you know? I didn't know it was going down that path, and I certainly wasn't trying to be a bitch.

The truth is, we've been bickering a lot lately, and I'm started to feel like the Kameron Hardin Kiss of Death is coming true. He said that we would start hating each other if we lived together...and I'm so scared that will happen. I feel like he hates me most of the time. And I just get so frustrated with this constant bickering shit.

Maybe it's all my fault. It probably is. I know that I'm a lot for anyone to deal with. I'm totally depressed and melancholy pretty much 98% of the time and I'm ultra sensitive to even the slightest remark. However, I don't understand why he picks at me all the time. I know it's just his way of playing with me...but I don't like to play like that all the time. I wish my dad had never done that shit to me all the time, maybe then I would know how to take a joke.

I feel so absolutely hopeless. There's very little that keeps me from hopping on a bus, going to a secluded alley, and killing myself. I just feel like I'm a burden, even to myself. I get up, look in the mirror, and think, "Oh, you again. Fuck."

What is keeping me from killing myself? My mother, for sure. The poor woman needs me. James too, even though we argue. Though, it's more because he has said that he would be so mad at me...isn't that said? I'm still trying to be a people pleaser in the face of possibly offing myself. Splendid.

Then there's Ahreona. She keeps me going. And I don't care what anyone thinks...she's good for me right now. Even if it doesn't work out...she's good medicine for me. She's showing me that Dom/mes can be kind and sane. She's been nothing but good to me, and I don't care what the circumstances are, or if people judge me. I have to secure something for my own happiness.

I'm going crazy here. I wish he'd come back so we can resolve this. I feel like our friendship is falling apart....maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I feel so sick...I hate fighting.

I want to get fucked up so much!!! I know it won't solve anything...but those with shitty lives will understand my need for escape. Sometimes it feels good to get the hell out of reality for awhile. I just hate that I keep wondering what it would feel like to get out of reality forever.

Fuck. I've got to stop dwelling on thoughts of suicide.

I always gravitate toward the idea of killing myself when I get really upset. I just feel tired of dealing with shit...ugh. I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know.

Oh...and the boy? Fuck the goddamn boy. I hope he rots in hell.

I think that might be everything, actually. I haven't updated in so long, that to try to recount everything that has happened since my last entry would be a pain in the ass. So fuck it.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to fucking scream. And get fucked up. And die.

Ok...that's all. For real, this time.

PEACE.