I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I was there for awhile, I think...but I've taken a turn for the worse. I just feel so fucking bad. UGH. I can't even explain it right now. I'm restless and unhappy and I have far too much on my mind.
I saw Jason today. He came into work and it was so slow that we were able to talk for a little while. He wants me to live with him and Leslie. Is that what I want? I don't know. I don't know where I want to be anymore, or who I want to be with. Maybe nowhere and nobody. Shit...don't I sound like the fucking commercials right about now? Anyway...I don't know...Jason could look after me. I do feel safe with him, at least. And I enjoy the time we spend together...but I just don't know how much good can come out of my relationship with Jason and Leslie. At the end of the day, she's going to be his wife and I'm just going to be the person they both happen to fuck. Not that I would want to be his wife anyway...or would I? See...that's how crazy I am...I actually ponder dumb ass shit like that because I'm that desperate for companionship and validation. It's like a drug. It makes me feel ok. It makes me feel good and secure. And I need it in order to not fall apart. I have to have someone's love. I just have to.
Speaking of falling apart: knowing that James is going to leave is absolutely killing me. I know it's seven months away. I know everything happens for a reason. I know that if we are good enough friends, we'll stay that way no matter what. I KNOW! It doesn't keep me from being sad about it. Actually, I haven't gotten to the point where I can talk about it for any length of time without crying. *sigh* I hate being such a pussy sometimes. I don't want to make him feel bad at all. I know that's so selfish of me. I want him to be happy and prosper, etc, etc. But he is just such a good friend to me that I can't imagine daily life without him. I've grown so close to him that I haven't really cultivated my friendships with other people. And that's not his fault at all...I've always been perfectly content with having fewer, but closer friends. But as it turns out, he's the best thing I've got here. When he leaves, what is there to stay for? Jason and Leslie? That's what'll end up happening. He'll leave and I'll have nobody, so I'll settle for them. And then our friendship will probably really fall apart. He keeps getting these letters in the mail from MSU's music department, and I just want to cry each time one comes. I'll hate to say goodbye to him. :(
*sigh* Ok, ok...I've got to stop dwelling on that for now. I don't feel like being upset. In other news: I've met yet another Internet prospect. Yay, me? This one seems pretty promising. He's a 29 year old journalist who is simply adorable. He's one of those ever-elusive fabulous straight men. I really enjoy talking to him, and I just love his voice...and his manner of expression. I can't describe it...he's just a really interesting person and I'm definitely interested in him. He has family in Ashland, so he'll be there a couple of days for Christmas. He and I briefly pondered meeting each other, but decided against it. I'll barely have enough family time as is, and he's in the same boat. At any rate, I'm pretty excited about him. I can't help it. I'm a ninny that always gets her hopes up at the smallest thing. A lonely, pitiful ninny.
I need to find my calling. I need to find something here that will make me happy. Something a little more concrete. And if I can't find it: I need to get the hell out of here.
I just don't know what I'm going to do... but I don't feel like doing a damn thing anymore.
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