Another Bad Day

Today is a bad day. I haven't felt this crappy in awhile. I'm not exactly sure what brought it on, but it's terribly frustrating. I've been making an honest effort to get over everything. I take my meds very regularly and I see Sandi as often as I can. Then I have a day like this. It's terribly discouraging. Each time I feel like I'm finally on the road to happiness, I get pushed back further into my depression.

I just feel like dying today. Dying or drinking. Nothing else. I feel so terrible. I'm having silly, irrational thoughts. I just feel like nobody loves me. I feel like I'm a burden. And I wonder if I have any real friends. I know those things aren't true...so why is my stomach in knots over it? Why do I feel like it's true?

I feel like there are two halves of me that constantly battle each other, and I'm tired of putting up a fight. I don't want to give into depression, for sure. It deserves a painful death...I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to conquer it. :(

I don't want to fuck things up with Chris. He knows that I struggle with depression...and he's very understanding. I don't think that will be a deal-breaker or anything. I'm not sure why I'm so scared of messing up. Maybe because I tend to fuck things up a lot.

I don't mean to. I don't mean to be a great big fuck up. I actually have a lot of love in my heart and I just want to share it with others. Does that sound silly? I just don't know how to make an impact. I want to leave a positive mark on this world, but I'm afraid I won't. I'll be one of those people who never did anything. I'll have very few people who will mourn when I die...if any. That's just how I feel. I hope it's not true...but it sure feels like it is.

I could really go for a drink right now. I know that's a problem. I can't runaway and hide in a bottle of liquor every time I have a bad day...but I don't know how else to deal with such intense feelings of depression.

I feel totally suffocated. Anxious. And my head is pounding. I really just want to roll over and die. Would anyone care?

I don't care.

Ok. I've really got to stop. I thought writing down all of these nagging feelings would help, but it has just made it worse. I'm going to make an effort to be happy today.

I'm going to try, but that doesn't mean I'm promising a thing...especially when what I REALLY want to do right now is crawl into bed and stay there.