You make me so angry sometimes. And I know that I'm right. I know that what I feel isn't crazy or stupid...but I can't verbalize it. So, I end up feeling stupid anyway. SOOO frustrating!
It makes me very angry that you try to be so possessive of me when it's convenient for you. (As an attempt at keeping me from Jason.) Then, you get all upset when people think we MIGHT be together. Like it's the worst possibility in the world. And that's exactly how I'm made to feel. Nobody can know ANYTHING about this...yet, when you are feeling pissy about Jason, you want me to tell him EVERYTHING. Make up your mind. It's confusing and irritating. Sheesh.
I HATE that you can't talk to me about what's bothering you. I wish you could open up, instead of keeping it all in...only letting your frustration out, not the problems behind it. I feel so powerless when I can't help you. You always do so much for me when I'm feeling down. You've really helped me a lot of times, even though some of the things you had to say weren't easy to hear. They still helped. I just wish you'd let me help you.
You are a stubborn, jealous, and prideful person. But I love you to pieces. I love you for being YOU. You are a dear friend, at the very least. And so much more, in reality. You've done a lot of good for me. I'm sorry that I can't always see it. And I'm sorry if you don't always know I appreciate it. I do. And I appreciate you.
This was just a random...I don't even know what. A random burst of feeling. One thought wasn't necessarily related to another...these were just all things I needed to get out. I intended this blog to be my refuge for the things I couldn't say..."the things you never ask..." However, I haven't used it to it's full potential. I've kept a lot from this blog, just letting it build inside me. I did that out of fear of expressing how I felt to you. But I'm not going to do that anymore. I know you are my friend and if you are REALLY a good one, my expressed feelings here won't make you think any less of me. I'm depending on you to be the good (non-judgemental) friend I know you to be.
Love you.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I'm Just Going To Spit It Out... (FINALLY.)
There was something on my mind when you asked me last night... and it did matter. I just couldn't verbalize it. I haven't been able to for a very long time, but I'll try to do so now.
Firstly, I love you. I care about you in a very deep and very confusing way. I really DO want to obey you and be a good submissive to you---it's just a challenge. And you'll see why.
My feelings for you scare me, to be honest. They are very real and very deep, and have been that way for awhile. Like I said, I do want to be a good submissive to you---but the fact that I even have that desire scares me a lot. We aren't dealing with random, experimental sex anymore. We are doing something that happens to mean a lot to me. I don't know if it still feels like an experiment to you, but it means more to me than that.
Honestly, I've been afraid of verbalizing all of this because I don't want you to be scared off by how I feel. I really enjoy whatever it is we have, and I want to hold onto it for at least a little while. I don't want you to feel pressured or awkward or ANYTHING negative about what we're doing. You told me long ago that you couldn't promise me anything. I remember that and I do understand it. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I really do have a hard time knowing that I can't tell a soul what is going on here, even though it's nothing wrong and something that makes me happy. I've avoided delving into my feelings about that too much for fear of your stopping this. Just cutting me off would be more hurtful, I think. It would validate my fear that my feelings about this are too awkward or too real for you to handle. And I don't want to have to deal with that right now---even if it is a possibility.
Now that you probably understand my feelings a little better, it will be easier for you to understand why my submission to you is a challenge. Because my feelings are already deep and confused, I've been afraid to give 100% to you when it comes to my submission. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't given you my best, especially considering that I've given it to people who didn't deserve it. Jason didn't deserve my best, but he got it. Why? I've been asking myself the same question. What I've discovered about myself and this situation is that I've been withholding a big part of myself as a defense mechanism. I've been afraid of developing deeper feelings---more feelings I'd have to hide. So, I've tried to keep some distance to prevent that. I know that's awful, and I'm sorry. I've been so bewildered about how I feel, and it's causing me to make really poor decisions. Not to mention that I DO realize that's a classic case of "topping from the bottom," and I'm sorry for that, too. I know it's not my place to make decisions like that. I know that in any healthy D/s relationship, no matter the circumstances, the submissive should be totally honest about her feelings and everything---trusting that her Dominant will understand and will know best. I'm sorry I haven't been a more honest and trusting submissive to you.
I understand if you don't want to do this anymore after reading all of this, but I really hope that's not the case. All I ask is that you be open and honest about your feelings, like I've been here. I also ask that you don't treat me awkwardly even if you feel weird about what I've confessed. And PLEASE be patient with me if you feel like communicating about this further and it proves difficult for me. It was difficult enough to have the courage to write all of this to you, as I'm sure you can imagine.
I love you, and I promise that I'm going to make a much greater effort to be a good girl for you, because that's honestly what I want to do...
(That's assuming that you still want me at all after this.)
Firstly, I love you. I care about you in a very deep and very confusing way. I really DO want to obey you and be a good submissive to you---it's just a challenge. And you'll see why.
My feelings for you scare me, to be honest. They are very real and very deep, and have been that way for awhile. Like I said, I do want to be a good submissive to you---but the fact that I even have that desire scares me a lot. We aren't dealing with random, experimental sex anymore. We are doing something that happens to mean a lot to me. I don't know if it still feels like an experiment to you, but it means more to me than that.
Honestly, I've been afraid of verbalizing all of this because I don't want you to be scared off by how I feel. I really enjoy whatever it is we have, and I want to hold onto it for at least a little while. I don't want you to feel pressured or awkward or ANYTHING negative about what we're doing. You told me long ago that you couldn't promise me anything. I remember that and I do understand it. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I really do have a hard time knowing that I can't tell a soul what is going on here, even though it's nothing wrong and something that makes me happy. I've avoided delving into my feelings about that too much for fear of your stopping this. Just cutting me off would be more hurtful, I think. It would validate my fear that my feelings about this are too awkward or too real for you to handle. And I don't want to have to deal with that right now---even if it is a possibility.
Now that you probably understand my feelings a little better, it will be easier for you to understand why my submission to you is a challenge. Because my feelings are already deep and confused, I've been afraid to give 100% to you when it comes to my submission. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't given you my best, especially considering that I've given it to people who didn't deserve it. Jason didn't deserve my best, but he got it. Why? I've been asking myself the same question. What I've discovered about myself and this situation is that I've been withholding a big part of myself as a defense mechanism. I've been afraid of developing deeper feelings---more feelings I'd have to hide. So, I've tried to keep some distance to prevent that. I know that's awful, and I'm sorry. I've been so bewildered about how I feel, and it's causing me to make really poor decisions. Not to mention that I DO realize that's a classic case of "topping from the bottom," and I'm sorry for that, too. I know it's not my place to make decisions like that. I know that in any healthy D/s relationship, no matter the circumstances, the submissive should be totally honest about her feelings and everything---trusting that her Dominant will understand and will know best. I'm sorry I haven't been a more honest and trusting submissive to you.
I understand if you don't want to do this anymore after reading all of this, but I really hope that's not the case. All I ask is that you be open and honest about your feelings, like I've been here. I also ask that you don't treat me awkwardly even if you feel weird about what I've confessed. And PLEASE be patient with me if you feel like communicating about this further and it proves difficult for me. It was difficult enough to have the courage to write all of this to you, as I'm sure you can imagine.
I love you, and I promise that I'm going to make a much greater effort to be a good girl for you, because that's honestly what I want to do...
(That's assuming that you still want me at all after this.)
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