:(

I wish that I could have one day of total happiness. One damn day that didn't have something wrong with it.

I realize I'm the culprit, however. That's the most frustrating thing...to have to admit that I'm a weak, pitiful person. I can't make myself happy. I don't know how. FUCK! It's so frustrating.

I really do want to be happy. I want to find a strength inside myself that I see and admire in others in my life...that strength of knowing and loving myself through anything and everything. As of right now, I don't have that ability. I don't feel like I'm worth anything, so I allow myself to sink into really fucked up situations and then I stay there, miserably unhappy, and mope.

I realize this...I just don't know how to fix it! I don't have the motivation inside to get up and do something good for myself. It's so frustrating and, most of all, disheartening.

I wonder how people put up with my ass. I really do.

FUCK IT ALL.

I want to throw up.

I feel used and worthless.

I don't feel like talking.

I don't feel like laughing or smiling.

I want to sink inside myself and slowly rot away.

I guess I'll throw on a smile, once again, and pretend like I'm happy.

But pretty soon, I'm not going to be able to do it anymore.

I can feel things moving, and I don't know where they're headed...so watch out, partner!

Gushing Forth!

You make me so angry sometimes. And I know that I'm right. I know that what I feel isn't crazy or stupid...but I can't verbalize it. So, I end up feeling stupid anyway. SOOO frustrating!

It makes me very angry that you try to be so possessive of me when it's convenient for you. (As an attempt at keeping me from Jason.) Then, you get all upset when people think we MIGHT be together. Like it's the worst possibility in the world. And that's exactly how I'm made to feel. Nobody can know ANYTHING about this...yet, when you are feeling pissy about Jason, you want me to tell him EVERYTHING. Make up your mind. It's confusing and irritating. Sheesh.

I HATE that you can't talk to me about what's bothering you. I wish you could open up, instead of keeping it all in...only letting your frustration out, not the problems behind it. I feel so powerless when I can't help you. You always do so much for me when I'm feeling down. You've really helped me a lot of times, even though some of the things you had to say weren't easy to hear. They still helped. I just wish you'd let me help you.

You are a stubborn, jealous, and prideful person. But I love you to pieces. I love you for being YOU. You are a dear friend, at the very least. And so much more, in reality. You've done a lot of good for me. I'm sorry that I can't always see it. And I'm sorry if you don't always know I appreciate it. I do. And I appreciate you.

This was just a random...I don't even know what. A random burst of feeling. One thought wasn't necessarily related to another...these were just all things I needed to get out. I intended this blog to be my refuge for the things I couldn't say..."the things you never ask..." However, I haven't used it to it's full potential. I've kept a lot from this blog, just letting it build inside me. I did that out of fear of expressing how I felt to you. But I'm not going to do that anymore. I know you are my friend and if you are REALLY a good one, my expressed feelings here won't make you think any less of me. I'm depending on you to be the good (non-judgemental) friend I know you to be.

Love you.

I'm Just Going To Spit It Out... (FINALLY.)

There was something on my mind when you asked me last night... and it did matter. I just couldn't verbalize it. I haven't been able to for a very long time, but I'll try to do so now.

Firstly, I love you. I care about you in a very deep and very confusing way. I really DO want to obey you and be a good submissive to you---it's just a challenge. And you'll see why.

My feelings for you scare me, to be honest. They are very real and very deep, and have been that way for awhile. Like I said, I do want to be a good submissive to you---but the fact that I even have that desire scares me a lot. We aren't dealing with random, experimental sex anymore. We are doing something that happens to mean a lot to me. I don't know if it still feels like an experiment to you, but it means more to me than that.

Honestly, I've been afraid of verbalizing all of this because I don't want you to be scared off by how I feel. I really enjoy whatever it is we have, and I want to hold onto it for at least a little while. I don't want you to feel pressured or awkward or ANYTHING negative about what we're doing. You told me long ago that you couldn't promise me anything. I remember that and I do understand it. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I really do have a hard time knowing that I can't tell a soul what is going on here, even though it's nothing wrong and something that makes me happy. I've avoided delving into my feelings about that too much for fear of your stopping this. Just cutting me off would be more hurtful, I think. It would validate my fear that my feelings about this are too awkward or too real for you to handle. And I don't want to have to deal with that right now---even if it is a possibility.

Now that you probably understand my feelings a little better, it will be easier for you to understand why my submission to you is a challenge. Because my feelings are already deep and confused, I've been afraid to give 100% to you when it comes to my submission. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't given you my best, especially considering that I've given it to people who didn't deserve it. Jason didn't deserve my best, but he got it. Why? I've been asking myself the same question. What I've discovered about myself and this situation is that I've been withholding a big part of myself as a defense mechanism. I've been afraid of developing deeper feelings---more feelings I'd have to hide. So, I've tried to keep some distance to prevent that. I know that's awful, and I'm sorry. I've been so bewildered about how I feel, and it's causing me to make really poor decisions. Not to mention that I DO realize that's a classic case of "topping from the bottom," and I'm sorry for that, too. I know it's not my place to make decisions like that. I know that in any healthy D/s relationship, no matter the circumstances, the submissive should be totally honest about her feelings and everything---trusting that her Dominant will understand and will know best. I'm sorry I haven't been a more honest and trusting submissive to you.

I understand if you don't want to do this anymore after reading all of this, but I really hope that's not the case. All I ask is that you be open and honest about your feelings, like I've been here. I also ask that you don't treat me awkwardly even if you feel weird about what I've confessed. And PLEASE be patient with me if you feel like communicating about this further and it proves difficult for me. It was difficult enough to have the courage to write all of this to you, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I love you, and I promise that I'm going to make a much greater effort to be a good girl for you, because that's honestly what I want to do...

(That's assuming that you still want me at all after this.)

Another Bad Day

Today is a bad day. I haven't felt this crappy in awhile. I'm not exactly sure what brought it on, but it's terribly frustrating. I've been making an honest effort to get over everything. I take my meds very regularly and I see Sandi as often as I can. Then I have a day like this. It's terribly discouraging. Each time I feel like I'm finally on the road to happiness, I get pushed back further into my depression.

I just feel like dying today. Dying or drinking. Nothing else. I feel so terrible. I'm having silly, irrational thoughts. I just feel like nobody loves me. I feel like I'm a burden. And I wonder if I have any real friends. I know those things aren't true...so why is my stomach in knots over it? Why do I feel like it's true?

I feel like there are two halves of me that constantly battle each other, and I'm tired of putting up a fight. I don't want to give into depression, for sure. It deserves a painful death...I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to conquer it. :(

I don't want to fuck things up with Chris. He knows that I struggle with depression...and he's very understanding. I don't think that will be a deal-breaker or anything. I'm not sure why I'm so scared of messing up. Maybe because I tend to fuck things up a lot.

I don't mean to. I don't mean to be a great big fuck up. I actually have a lot of love in my heart and I just want to share it with others. Does that sound silly? I just don't know how to make an impact. I want to leave a positive mark on this world, but I'm afraid I won't. I'll be one of those people who never did anything. I'll have very few people who will mourn when I die...if any. That's just how I feel. I hope it's not true...but it sure feels like it is.

I could really go for a drink right now. I know that's a problem. I can't runaway and hide in a bottle of liquor every time I have a bad day...but I don't know how else to deal with such intense feelings of depression.

I feel totally suffocated. Anxious. And my head is pounding. I really just want to roll over and die. Would anyone care?

I don't care.

Ok. I've really got to stop. I thought writing down all of these nagging feelings would help, but it has just made it worse. I'm going to make an effort to be happy today.

I'm going to try, but that doesn't mean I'm promising a thing...especially when what I REALLY want to do right now is crawl into bed and stay there.

Just Shoot Me.

I'm tired of being tired. And I'm sick of being sick. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I know I probably annoy the hell out of most everyone in my life with my constant aches, pains, and the like....but I honestly believe something is not ok about me. Maybe it really is just the depression that hasn't completely cleared up. Maybe I just need exercise or something. I don't know. But I do know that, if given the opportunity, I would sleep most of the day. That can't be healthy.

Right now I feel like I'm going to puke/pass out. I feel terribly light-headed.

What's wrong with me????

:'(

Frustration Will Kill Me

If one more emotional element adds itself to the drama that is my life, I'm going to kill over. I can't take this anymore. I've never felt more confused and frustrated within myself. I hate feeling like I love someone who doesn't love me...maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's not the case at all, and I'm just dreaming all of this shit...

I'm so frustrated!!! I feel anxious almost constantly...it's so annoying. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to will myself to chill the fuck out.

I guess that's all. I'm just rambling about my unhappiness at this point...but, really: isn't that what this whole fucking blog is about?

How pitiful! I should really jump off a cliff soon...