High on...what?

I can't sleep...my brain feels like it has dissolved. I feel so light--like air. I'm smiling all over myself. My body feels tingly...I'm nearly trembling, I feel so good. I literally feel so good right now that I want to cry. Is that crazy? I feel like I'm high...but I'm TOTALLY sober.

Anyway...thanks for this. ;-)

C'est l'amour?

Je ne sais pas...

*SIGH*

I feel so isolated from everyone and everything that I love!

:'(

Death Becomes Me

I am sooooo fucking sad.

It's just one of those days. I guess I should be used to them by now, as they are so very frequent.

Still, when this horrible sadness comes it absolutely cripples me. I can't function. I just want to lie down and die.

Tim and I just sat on the porch for a good hour or so and shared our deepest pain with each other. It was a very eye-opening experience. We are very much the same...you know, it's good to have him back. Not necessarily back home...just back in general. When he was strung out all the time, it felt like he was dead...like he had died, but I couldn't mourn and properly get over him, as he was walking around: a constant reminder of the brother I had lost. I told him that tonight...I told him how I felt that way. We just sat there and cried together. We both know what it feels like to want to die. We both know what it feels like to have close calls, too.

Why must we suffer so much? Why the fuck can't we just be happy? I wish I could make people understand what it's like to be so fucking depressed on a daily basis. The tiniest bit of joy can't last long when a person is depressed. It will die. Nothing good can remain in a depressed person's life.

*sigh*

Fuck this. Fuck it all. I want to die sooooooooooooooooooo fucking much. My life would be easier if I didn't have to live it at all. :(

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck...My Feelings = The Fucking Death Of Me!!!

I can't help how I feel...

I know it's CRAZY!

I know it doesn't make any sense...

And I don't even know for certain if he's telling the truth.

Is it fucked up that I actually believe him? That deep in my heart I believe him? My mind questions it, mostly because everyone wants me to...but I just can't help but to take what he says straight to my heart as truth.

I know it's CRAZY!!!!!!!

I wish I could control how I feel...I'm trying so hard to be smart, and to be cautious...I understand that people are just worried, and they just want to see me happy and safe.

I don't understand how I gave him so much power so quickly. I seem to do that with a lot of people. But, it's different with him...I didn't only give him power over my actions. See...I've given SEVERAL people control over my actions because I crave the feeling of being controlled. However, in all of those instances, I have kept my heart guarded. I was only in it to have someone to have fun with. That was all.

So, why the fuck is this so different? Why the hell is my heart so thoroughly convinced that this is right? I don't understand it! I'm sure people think I'm fucking stupid. Well, they are probably right. I AM fucking stupid to feel this way...I just wish I could help it.

Just hearing his voice again did something to me. I really DON'T understand it...

You know, after the second day of talking to him, I noticed that I WANTED to wake up. Usually, when I go to sleep, I could give two shits less if I wake up. I go to sleep thinking about dying. And I'm not kidding...after I talked to him, I wanted to wake up. I fucking SET MY ALARM in order to wake up to talk to him. He told me yesterday that he was going to call again today. So, I got up early, so that I would be awake when he did.

Why is it that I couldn't find the motivation to wake up for my fucking CLASSES AT SCHOOL...but I wake up for this man that I've NEVER seen in person???? What the fucking hell is wrong with me???

The funny thing is, all of these thoughts start to dissolve when I talk to him. It didn't take long to get back in the old rhythm of our conversations...and when that happens, I don't think about anything else. I've got blinders on to everything around me.

I'm fully aware of this fact, but I don't know how to get them off. I don't even know if I want to.

FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm done talking about it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm done worrying about it! It's my god damn life, and I'm going to do what I want and what I think is best for ME. And right now, I think it would be best to at least see what the hell is going on with him. I'm not a total idiot...he knows exactly how I feel. He knows how much he hurt me and how hard it is for me to fully accept that he's even talking to me again. So, it's not as if I'm just running away with him or anything. I haven't done anything crazy or wrong...I'm just talking to someone in order to determine whether or not they are a liar. I can't fucking help how I FEEL about it, and if people have a problem with it, I'll have to learn to say fuck it. I have to learn to do what is best for ME!!!!

*sigh* But I still don't understand it. Not one fucking bit of this whole, fucked up thing....

BLAH!!!!

So, my older brother is a drug addict, right? Right.

He is getting help, though...he called today and said that he's going into a rehab program on Monday. He's staying with us for the rest of the weekend until he can get to the rehab center on Monday.

That means he has to make it two days without dope. God, I hope he can do it.

Mom told me to hide all of the pills in the house. The stuff for dad's back pain...the stuff for her wisdom teeth pain...even my anti-depressants all have to be hidden. She's afraid he'll crack and take them.

He's already gotten so sick. He's thrown up some since he's been here.

It makes me sick to watch him. I know that's probably a really awful thing to say, but it's just how I feel...after all, this blog is supposed to be about raw emotion and all that shit, right?

Well, my raw emotions are reeling! It's not easy to watch someone you grew up with, someone you love, puking their guts up because they are going through drug withdrawals...

Ah, yet another thing to add to my list of heartaches. *sigh* I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now....but, no. Once again, I find myself alone when I need someone the most. C'est la vie...

So, I Haven't Jumped Off A Cliff...

...so that's good, right? And I'm still taking my fucking meds, for all the good they do.

I still haven't gotten over feeling this deep sense of heartache, though. I know, I know...I need to be patient...the right one is out there, blah blah blah...all that shit. I KNOW! But it's a lot harder to convince your heart of that, you know. No matter what my brain tries to say, I still have this nauseated, aching sensation in my body at all times.

I'm still wishing that he lived closer to me. I know wishing won't do any good...but I don't have anything better to do, so I'll mope about it a little more. If he lived near me, we would have met already...I'm SURE of that. He's been a really good friend and someone great to talk to. He's given me a lot of sensible guidance that no one else has. He's not selfish at all. Jason IS selfish. Terribly fucking selfish. He only messages me when he wants something.

Master isn't selfish, but for some reason, my feelings are growing cold for Him...I don't understand why.

God, I'm such a flake. No wonder I don't have anyone...I know what the problem is: I fall for people really quickly, only to realize they aren't for me...then I drop them on their ass...why do I do that??? I've been hurt so badly in the past that you would think that I would have a little more compassion...but, no...I still drop folks on their ass.

Oh, well...I just haven't found the right one yet. When I do, I certainly won't drop them on their ass. Hopefully, I'll have enough sense about me to know when they've come along. Hopefully I won't be caught up with some dumb ass while the right one is getting snagged by someone else.

Ok, I'm finished for now...I don't feel like thinking about it anymore, as it gives me a SPLITTING headache every fucking time.

Maybe Six Feet Ain't So Far Down...

I've never wanted to die so badly in my life. I HATE feeling this way! What's even worse is that I can't talk to anyone about it. I think I hate that even more.

Well, ok: I don't WANT to die...I really don't. I want to have a happy, successful life...but depression sucks that away from a person. It drains you of everything good, and MAKES you want to die. Depression makes you feel like death is the only option in order to escape the horrible feelings of loneliness and all that come with being depressed.

I feel all happiness being sucked from me all the time. If something happens to me that makes me joyful, even for a moment, my depression is there to kill it. My depression is there to remind me of something awful in my life.

This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to battle in my life. And it feels like I've been depressed forever! I just can't seem to beat this shit.

I took my meds again today. I took them yesterday for the first time in a very long time...I hate taking them. I don't think they work. I don't think anything will work for me...I think I'm doomed to be fucking miserable forever.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I still feel like dying. The feeling is overwhelming, actually. I've come very close a few times...but almost no one knows that. Mom certainly doesn't. Once, I had a jump rope tied around my neck and tied to a hook in the ceiling...I was getting ready to jump off the chair when I heard mom pull in the driveway, coming home from work and picking up my little brother from school. The guilt took over, and I quickly got down...I couldn't do that to my mother or little brother. Other times, I've held a knife to my wrists, or sat with a hand gun in my mouth. Just sat there, feeling the blade against my skin, or the metal between my lips. I get in this state of mind that is really hard to explain. It's this limbo between doing it and not doing it...I meditate on what would happen. What would happen if I jumped off the chair? If I allow the knife slice? Allow the gun fire? I know it's really sick, but that's just what goes through my mind...what would happen if I actually did it.

Obviously, I haven't. Each time, I come to my senses and I'm very shaken. I feel like another person takes over when I get in these moods...like I can't control my thoughts well enough to consider the weight of the consequences if something were to go wrong. I mean...I could have slipped trying to get that rope off my neck...sometimes I think about that. I think about how I could have slipped and hung myself. My family would have never known that I didn't want to go through with it...that I tried to get down. God, it makes me sick to think like that.

I've never confessed any of this to any of my therapists. They already treat me differently because I have suicidal thoughts...think of what they'd do if they knew I sit around with guns in my mouth! Jesus!

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to open up and talk to anyone about this shit, but it's killing me to have to bear it all alone.