I can't help how I feel...
I know it's CRAZY!
I know it doesn't make any sense...
And I don't even know for certain if he's telling the truth.
Is it fucked up that I actually believe him? That deep in my heart I believe him? My mind questions it, mostly because everyone wants me to...but I just can't help but to take what he says straight to my heart as truth.
I know it's CRAZY!!!!!!!
I wish I could control how I feel...I'm trying so hard to be smart, and to be cautious...I understand that people are just worried, and they just want to see me happy and safe.
I don't understand how I gave him so much power so quickly. I seem to do that with a lot of people. But, it's different with him...I didn't only give him power over my actions. See...I've given SEVERAL people control over my actions because I crave the feeling of being controlled. However, in all of those instances, I have kept my heart guarded. I was only in it to have someone to have fun with. That was all.
So, why the fuck is this so different? Why the hell is my heart so thoroughly convinced that this is right? I don't understand it! I'm sure people think I'm fucking stupid. Well, they are probably right. I AM fucking stupid to feel this way...I just wish I could help it.
Just hearing his voice again did something to me. I really DON'T understand it...
You know, after the second day of talking to him, I noticed that I WANTED to wake up. Usually, when I go to sleep, I could give two shits less if I wake up. I go to sleep thinking about dying. And I'm not kidding...after I talked to him, I wanted to wake up. I fucking SET MY ALARM in order to wake up to talk to him. He told me yesterday that he was going to call again today. So, I got up early, so that I would be awake when he did.
Why is it that I couldn't find the motivation to wake up for my fucking CLASSES AT SCHOOL...but I wake up for this man that I've NEVER seen in person???? What the fucking hell is wrong with me???
The funny thing is, all of these thoughts start to dissolve when I talk to him. It didn't take long to get back in the old rhythm of our conversations...and when that happens, I don't think about anything else. I've got blinders on to everything around me.
I'm fully aware of this fact, but I don't know how to get them off. I don't even know if I want to.
FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm done talking about it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm done worrying about it! It's my god damn life, and I'm going to do what I want and what I think is best for ME. And right now, I think it would be best to at least see what the hell is going on with him. I'm not a total idiot...he knows exactly how I feel. He knows how much he hurt me and how hard it is for me to fully accept that he's even talking to me again. So, it's not as if I'm just running away with him or anything. I haven't done anything crazy or wrong...I'm just talking to someone in order to determine whether or not they are a liar. I can't fucking help how I FEEL about it, and if people have a problem with it, I'll have to learn to say fuck it. I have to learn to do what is best for ME!!!!
*sigh* But I still don't understand it. Not one fucking bit of this whole, fucked up thing....
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