Death Becomes Me

I am sooooo fucking sad.

It's just one of those days. I guess I should be used to them by now, as they are so very frequent.

Still, when this horrible sadness comes it absolutely cripples me. I can't function. I just want to lie down and die.

Tim and I just sat on the porch for a good hour or so and shared our deepest pain with each other. It was a very eye-opening experience. We are very much the same...you know, it's good to have him back. Not necessarily back home...just back in general. When he was strung out all the time, it felt like he was dead...like he had died, but I couldn't mourn and properly get over him, as he was walking around: a constant reminder of the brother I had lost. I told him that tonight...I told him how I felt that way. We just sat there and cried together. We both know what it feels like to want to die. We both know what it feels like to have close calls, too.

Why must we suffer so much? Why the fuck can't we just be happy? I wish I could make people understand what it's like to be so fucking depressed on a daily basis. The tiniest bit of joy can't last long when a person is depressed. It will die. Nothing good can remain in a depressed person's life.

*sigh*

Fuck this. Fuck it all. I want to die sooooooooooooooooooo fucking much. My life would be easier if I didn't have to live it at all. :(