Here's One For Your Carbon Copy File... :)

Dearest James,

You are truly my best friend. I don't normally like to play favorites, and I certainly don't want all of this to go to your head, but it's true. :P I couldn't ask for a better person to share such a strong friendship with, and I'm very thankful for you.


I'm positive that fate has had a lot to do with us being in each other's lives. The times that we could have met through the years, the fact that we lived so close to each other and never even knew it...those things never fail to amaze me. I'm certain there is an unknown reason why our paths could not cross sooner, but I'm just glad that they crossed when they did. I know that I'm quite wary of God and everything...but I'm pretty sure that it was in His plan that the two of us become friends. I know you've enriched my life, and I only hope I've done the same for yours.



You are an incredibly talented, thoughtful, and caring person. I know that you have different ways of showing you care and I know that we tend to bicker...but in spite of all that, I know you care and you have a loving heart. If I started to name off all the things you've done for me, this would just turn into a list of your good deeds and I would run out of time and space to say all that I want to say to you. Instead, I'll just hope you know how thankful I am each time you do something for me. I'm blessed to have a friend with a generous heart.



I want to do everything I can to continue being your friend. We have been through so much together in such a short amount of time, that I'm excited to see what the future of our friendship holds. I hope that even when we have to part ways, we won't part with the friendship that we've found in each other. It means too much to me to think about not having it anymore, and I hope you feel the same.



Today, on your birthday, I hope you know all that you mean to me. I hope you feel about our friendship the way that I do. I wish that I had more that I could give you, or do, or say so that you would have no doubt about how much I love you. I guess the most I can do is just to keep being your friend. After all, as Henry David Thoreau said, "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"



Thank you for showing me what divine friendship is all about. I love you so much!



-Jess <3

These Days I Stay Confused...

I'm getting really tired of having so many mixed emotions. I'm still on my period, so that could have a great deal to do with it. Yet, I'm always an emotional person...so I doubt very seriously that when I get off my period I'll suddenly have a revelation about how I feel about every person in my life.

Ahreona. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Why can't I stop thinking about her? It makes me mad at this point. I really just want to count her among my mistakes and move on, but I can't. When I saw that she had converted our couple's profile into a profile for herself, which basically was asking for a booty call...oh god! It just pissed me off to no end! I don't understand. Ok...it's not as if I want her to sit around and mope after me. And I certainly don't expect her to remain abstinent or some shit like that. But I can't believe she's ready to start chasing ass again only a few days after she discovered we were through...ugh. I don't know. It just really hurts me, and I can't explain why. Is it because it makes the time we were together meaningless, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting time? Or is it because I still harbor feelings for her? It could be both, to be entirely honest. I miss her a lot. The other night when I was so upset and crying, I just wanted to talk to her. I can't explain why...I just wanted so badly to call her and cry it out. I refrained, of course...but it still bothers me a great deal that when I was the most upset, it was my honest desire to talk to HER.

Then there's Jason. LOL! God...how many fucking Dominants am I going to have? I just don't know about this whole situation. He's still chasing after me to be his slave...and it's not really what I want. I DO want sex; that's true. And I want kinky sex with a D/s element. So, it makes the offer really tempting. Why would it be such a bad thing to have sex with him? He said that he realizes that I'm actively looking for another type of arrangement and other people, so it wouldn't be a big deal that I would be looking while serving him. I don't know...maybe I could tell him that I don't really want to serve as his slave, but I'd be willing to loosen my limits a bit? I just don't know.

I guess I just need somebody. It's the way I'm wired up...I hate it, but I'm realistic and I know it's true. I also know that I'm weak and will probably end up giving into what Jason wants, or trying to crawl back to Ahreona in the coming weeks (possibly days) if I don't find someone or something that can satisfy at least part of my needs.

I need kinky sex. And I need someone to love me, too...

But for right now, kinky sex will do nicely.

WTF?

Rick Clancy is online?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Fucking HATE Periods!

I'm about to go insane. I honestly don't feel as if I'm being too sensitive about anything, but at the same time I am open to the idea that I probably am a hormonal mess. It's just frustrating when I know my emotions are going crazy but I can't really make the connection to my period in order to desensitize myself.


I hate that my emotions control me. I stayed up and cried for a good while last night and lost a lot of quality sleep because I can't control how I feel about things. Being on my period just makes it worse.

I definitely need to go to the gynecologist after this period is over. I can't handle this shit every month.

I'm hoping that I cried a little bit of the crazy out last night, so I can function a little better today. I don't like being a ticking time bomb for an emotional explosion.

PS: These cramps are murder. They fucking blow!

If Guilt Could Kill...

...I'd be dead. I'd be fucking dead!

Today I could barely look at anything or listen to anything or...I don't know...FUNCTION without thinking about her.

I wonder if I made a horrible mistake. I think I may have. After all...she was never anything but loving. She had quite a jealous streak, and sometimes she had trouble expressing emotions without expressing them through anger, but don't we all have our flaws? Don't we all have our little quirks?

I think I'm going to be alone forever. I can't do anything right. That's evident from the way I let a perfectly good person slip away. I fucked it up. I honestly don't believe she did anything. Even things that could POSSIBLY be viewed as things she did are really rooted in MY behavior. The only thing I can think of right now is that she moved too fast...but I LET HER DO THAT! It's my fault.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get over her. I have a feeling I'm going to be dwelling on this for a long damn time.

I wish things could get back to the way they were. The trouble is, I'm not sure how far back I'd take them. Maybe I'd take them back to when she and I first met. Then, I wouldn't have even dated her. I wouldn't have hurt her so badly.

That's the thing that is killing me. I know she's hurting. I know she genuinely believed that I was a perfect fit for her, and now I've just flown the coop.

God, I'm terrible. Simply fucking terrible. And it's not as if I'm saying that to win attention from somebody or because I love pity parties. No, I really believe it. I don't know how to stop believing it, either.

Please, Lord in heaven, help me! Dear God, I need help getting over this.

I just need guidance on the right thing to do. The thing is, at this point I'd have to tell a ton of lies to even have her back...and I can't keep living like that. I may not have anything right now...but at least I'm not telling 100 lies a day in order to make it by. At least I'm not living on the phone.

God, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I know I don't make any sense at all.

I just want to shoot my face off...oh, God...she used to say that about things that annoyed her. HA! I don't think I can shake her so easily.

I'm off now, probably to cry... though I'm trying my hardest not to. UGH! :(

I'm NOT Leaving On A Jet Plane

In about an hour is when that plane will be taking off...and I won't be on it.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I could really, seriously puke right now from guilt, nervousness, and just a variety of shit.

Amanda told me to sleep on it...just to get a really good night's sleep and see how I felt about it in the morning. Well...I don't feel any differently. I still feel guilty. I still want to make things right.

I kinda wish that I were a Christian so I could pray to God and receive the correct answer on what to do. I know that He would have the correct response before anybody.

Today I looked through her Facebook pictures and just cried. I miss her. I really do.

But, is she good for me? Would it really have worked? I just don't know.

I feel so helpless. So hopeless, helpless, and fucking sick.

It's Me Again...

I can't fucking sleep!

I just thought to myself, "I wish I had someone who would talk to me until I went to sleep..."

Then, it dawned on me that I HAD someone...but I fucked that up.

I know my weakness is showing, but I want someone so much. I just need someone to be with me right now.

Being alone is pure hell for me. It always has been.

FUCK!

Ok...round two of trying to sleep.

Good night.

How Low Can I Go? (Apparently Pretty Damn Low...)

I have never felt this low in my entire life. I have only one person that I can fully talk to about all of this shit, and I feel like I've almost exhausted that resource. Maybe it's just the depression talking...I hope so, anyway.

I'm having trouble deciding if I have this desire to fix my relationship with Ahreona because I feel obligated to her and really guilty about hurting her, or if it's because I love her and want to try to forge some future with her. I honestly don't know the answer right now.

I really thought that I loved her, but now I'm not so sure. I guess it could have been that it felt nice to think someone cared about me, and I let some really unhealthy shit persist in order to keep feeling that feeling.

I hate that he was right about all of this. I fucking hate that more than anything, I think. I just hate feeling so foolish.

I can't sleep anymore. I haven't slept REALLY well in a long time. I think guilt can keep a person awake and restless. I wish I could just erase all memory of her, and how I royally fucked her over...but I don't think I can.

I wish so much...but wishing doesn't really fucking matter at this point.

I'm so tired. So damn tired...I just want to lie down and never get back up. I don't have the desire to do one fucking thing for myself. I hate school, I hate life...I'm broke...no job. Nothing.

What do I have to be happy about? And I REALLY don't want to hear the whole "you can walk and talk" argument...because there are plenty of people out there who can walk and talk. That's not enough. Yes, I'm blessed that I'm not mute or disabled...but at the same time: if all I can find to be happy about is that I can walk and talk, then that's really fucking pathetic.

I can feel all the negative thoughts of my depression swallowing my brain up. It's a really strange feeling. I hear all of these crazy thoughts that I have like, "why would anyone ever love me?" "why can't I be happy?" etc, etc. I hear them, and feel them sucking me of all my energy.

I'm failing my classes. Like, all of them. I'm pretty sure. Maybe not piano, yet...but that's one credit hour. One fucking credit hour. Woo-hoo.

Maybe I should find some padded walls to cozy up with, because I'm really fucking disgustedly tired of trying in this life.

Cloud Of Confusion

I've never been this confused in my entire life. About anything! I know I usually love being dramatic, but you have to believe me on this one: this is my real reaction and I'm totally...confused! That seems to be the only word I can use to describe the situation.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. Ahreona makes me happy. She truly does. However, there are things she does that I really don't like. I don't like how she tries to cut me off from James. He was here first, here longer, and has been there for me for some really unpleasant moments of my life. He's been nothing but a dear friend through the worst of times, and I'm not about to cut him out for her. I may tell her that "I'd do anything" for her...but I'm not going to do that.

*Sigh* James. I just don't know anymore. The feelings I have for him are totally confusing (again with that word). I mean, I've always found him attractive, and I adore his personality. We mesh together very nicely. But I never allowed myself to feel anything more than a deep bond of friendship because...well, what would have been the point? Now I just don't know anymore...I guess he is confused, too. I would like to explore our mutual curiosity, but I'm just not sure. Ok, let's be honest and put it this way: I want to explore, but I feel so guilty for what I'm doing to Ahreona. I thought about telling her I need a break...but I'm not sure which would hurt worse: putting her on hold, or continuing to kill her trust. However, I've done other things that she certainly wouldn't approve of. Things that I didn't even want to do, but I was too afraid to put a stop to. If I'm willing to let Jason walk all over me and continue to harass me about something I don't want, why the hell should I feel so guilty about exploring my confusing feelings with my best friend? I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what I should do. I guess I'm just going to go along with whatever happens. I know that I love James, but I don't' know how I love him anymore. That's absolutely frightening to me. It's not as if I'm allowing him to use me for a general exploration of women because he's curious. There are real feelings involved here (at least for me, I guess for him, too), and real feelings have always terrified me. I'm always afraid of getting hurt. At least I know we'll always be friends. That makes me feel a lot more at ease. I can't stand the thought of him not being in my life at all.

Hmm...maybe I shouldn't have given him the name of my "secret blog." It does make me a little hesitant when I want to write things that involve him. Hahaha...oh, well. It's nothing that he doesn't already know, I guess. He knows me too well.

I love you, honey. :)