If Guilt Could Kill...

...I'd be dead. I'd be fucking dead!

Today I could barely look at anything or listen to anything or...I don't know...FUNCTION without thinking about her.

I wonder if I made a horrible mistake. I think I may have. After all...she was never anything but loving. She had quite a jealous streak, and sometimes she had trouble expressing emotions without expressing them through anger, but don't we all have our flaws? Don't we all have our little quirks?

I think I'm going to be alone forever. I can't do anything right. That's evident from the way I let a perfectly good person slip away. I fucked it up. I honestly don't believe she did anything. Even things that could POSSIBLY be viewed as things she did are really rooted in MY behavior. The only thing I can think of right now is that she moved too fast...but I LET HER DO THAT! It's my fault.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get over her. I have a feeling I'm going to be dwelling on this for a long damn time.

I wish things could get back to the way they were. The trouble is, I'm not sure how far back I'd take them. Maybe I'd take them back to when she and I first met. Then, I wouldn't have even dated her. I wouldn't have hurt her so badly.

That's the thing that is killing me. I know she's hurting. I know she genuinely believed that I was a perfect fit for her, and now I've just flown the coop.

God, I'm terrible. Simply fucking terrible. And it's not as if I'm saying that to win attention from somebody or because I love pity parties. No, I really believe it. I don't know how to stop believing it, either.

Please, Lord in heaven, help me! Dear God, I need help getting over this.

I just need guidance on the right thing to do. The thing is, at this point I'd have to tell a ton of lies to even have her back...and I can't keep living like that. I may not have anything right now...but at least I'm not telling 100 lies a day in order to make it by. At least I'm not living on the phone.

God, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I know I don't make any sense at all.

I just want to shoot my face off...oh, God...she used to say that about things that annoyed her. HA! I don't think I can shake her so easily.

I'm off now, probably to cry... though I'm trying my hardest not to. UGH! :(