How Low Can I Go? (Apparently Pretty Damn Low...)

I have never felt this low in my entire life. I have only one person that I can fully talk to about all of this shit, and I feel like I've almost exhausted that resource. Maybe it's just the depression talking...I hope so, anyway.

I'm having trouble deciding if I have this desire to fix my relationship with Ahreona because I feel obligated to her and really guilty about hurting her, or if it's because I love her and want to try to forge some future with her. I honestly don't know the answer right now.

I really thought that I loved her, but now I'm not so sure. I guess it could have been that it felt nice to think someone cared about me, and I let some really unhealthy shit persist in order to keep feeling that feeling.

I hate that he was right about all of this. I fucking hate that more than anything, I think. I just hate feeling so foolish.

I can't sleep anymore. I haven't slept REALLY well in a long time. I think guilt can keep a person awake and restless. I wish I could just erase all memory of her, and how I royally fucked her over...but I don't think I can.

I wish so much...but wishing doesn't really fucking matter at this point.

I'm so tired. So damn tired...I just want to lie down and never get back up. I don't have the desire to do one fucking thing for myself. I hate school, I hate life...I'm broke...no job. Nothing.

What do I have to be happy about? And I REALLY don't want to hear the whole "you can walk and talk" argument...because there are plenty of people out there who can walk and talk. That's not enough. Yes, I'm blessed that I'm not mute or disabled...but at the same time: if all I can find to be happy about is that I can walk and talk, then that's really fucking pathetic.

I can feel all the negative thoughts of my depression swallowing my brain up. It's a really strange feeling. I hear all of these crazy thoughts that I have like, "why would anyone ever love me?" "why can't I be happy?" etc, etc. I hear them, and feel them sucking me of all my energy.

I'm failing my classes. Like, all of them. I'm pretty sure. Maybe not piano, yet...but that's one credit hour. One fucking credit hour. Woo-hoo.

Maybe I should find some padded walls to cozy up with, because I'm really fucking disgustedly tired of trying in this life.