Cloud Of Confusion

I've never been this confused in my entire life. About anything! I know I usually love being dramatic, but you have to believe me on this one: this is my real reaction and I'm totally...confused! That seems to be the only word I can use to describe the situation.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. Ahreona makes me happy. She truly does. However, there are things she does that I really don't like. I don't like how she tries to cut me off from James. He was here first, here longer, and has been there for me for some really unpleasant moments of my life. He's been nothing but a dear friend through the worst of times, and I'm not about to cut him out for her. I may tell her that "I'd do anything" for her...but I'm not going to do that.

*Sigh* James. I just don't know anymore. The feelings I have for him are totally confusing (again with that word). I mean, I've always found him attractive, and I adore his personality. We mesh together very nicely. But I never allowed myself to feel anything more than a deep bond of friendship because...well, what would have been the point? Now I just don't know anymore...I guess he is confused, too. I would like to explore our mutual curiosity, but I'm just not sure. Ok, let's be honest and put it this way: I want to explore, but I feel so guilty for what I'm doing to Ahreona. I thought about telling her I need a break...but I'm not sure which would hurt worse: putting her on hold, or continuing to kill her trust. However, I've done other things that she certainly wouldn't approve of. Things that I didn't even want to do, but I was too afraid to put a stop to. If I'm willing to let Jason walk all over me and continue to harass me about something I don't want, why the hell should I feel so guilty about exploring my confusing feelings with my best friend? I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what I should do. I guess I'm just going to go along with whatever happens. I know that I love James, but I don't' know how I love him anymore. That's absolutely frightening to me. It's not as if I'm allowing him to use me for a general exploration of women because he's curious. There are real feelings involved here (at least for me, I guess for him, too), and real feelings have always terrified me. I'm always afraid of getting hurt. At least I know we'll always be friends. That makes me feel a lot more at ease. I can't stand the thought of him not being in my life at all.

Hmm...maybe I shouldn't have given him the name of my "secret blog." It does make me a little hesitant when I want to write things that involve him. Hahaha...oh, well. It's nothing that he doesn't already know, I guess. He knows me too well.

I love you, honey. :)