I'm getting really tired of having so many mixed emotions. I'm still on my period, so that could have a great deal to do with it. Yet, I'm always an emotional person...so I doubt very seriously that when I get off my period I'll suddenly have a revelation about how I feel about every person in my life.
Ahreona. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Why can't I stop thinking about her? It makes me mad at this point. I really just want to count her among my mistakes and move on, but I can't. When I saw that she had converted our couple's profile into a profile for herself, which basically was asking for a booty call...oh god! It just pissed me off to no end! I don't understand. Ok...it's not as if I want her to sit around and mope after me. And I certainly don't expect her to remain abstinent or some shit like that. But I can't believe she's ready to start chasing ass again only a few days after she discovered we were through...ugh. I don't know. It just really hurts me, and I can't explain why. Is it because it makes the time we were together meaningless, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting time? Or is it because I still harbor feelings for her? It could be both, to be entirely honest. I miss her a lot. The other night when I was so upset and crying, I just wanted to talk to her. I can't explain why...I just wanted so badly to call her and cry it out. I refrained, of course...but it still bothers me a great deal that when I was the most upset, it was my honest desire to talk to HER.
Then there's Jason. LOL! God...how many fucking Dominants am I going to have? I just don't know about this whole situation. He's still chasing after me to be his slave...and it's not really what I want. I DO want sex; that's true. And I want kinky sex with a D/s element. So, it makes the offer really tempting. Why would it be such a bad thing to have sex with him? He said that he realizes that I'm actively looking for another type of arrangement and other people, so it wouldn't be a big deal that I would be looking while serving him. I don't know...maybe I could tell him that I don't really want to serve as his slave, but I'd be willing to loosen my limits a bit? I just don't know.
I guess I just need somebody. It's the way I'm wired up...I hate it, but I'm realistic and I know it's true. I also know that I'm weak and will probably end up giving into what Jason wants, or trying to crawl back to Ahreona in the coming weeks (possibly days) if I don't find someone or something that can satisfy at least part of my needs.
I need kinky sex. And I need someone to love me, too...
But for right now, kinky sex will do nicely.
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