Tick, Tick, Tick!!!

I'm on the verge of a total freak out.

I can hear the time bomb ticking in my mind, ready to explode.

My Head Is About To EXPLODE!

I've got a headache that makes me want to kill defenseless little creatures... not to mention I'm still in a really shitty mood.

BLAH.

I Feel...

...really really alone. And depressed. And obviously trying to sleep it off didn't work.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Day number 2 of my meds...how wonderful!

:(

I feel on the verge of a freak out.

I'm gonna try to sleep it off...

Fuck.

My Brother Is Fucking Crazy...

UGHHHH.....

SAVE ME FROM THIS HOUSE! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Can't Sleep...Not That This Is A Surprise.

My thoughts keep me awake. It's really frustrating. I'm so tired all the time, but I just can't settle down to sleep. I've already tried a couple of times.

You know...I think the fact that I'm so tired right now is keeping me pretty mellow. My thought process is really clouded and bogged down, but it's not frantic. So...I guess that's good? It's weird. I'm having the exact same thoughts that caused me to freak out so badly last night, but I'm not freaking out now. I feel like I just smoked a shit ton of weed or something. I haven't (duh) but that's honestly the best thing I can think of right now to compare it to.

At this exact moment, I'm trying to reconcile all the bad shit in my life. I know that everybody has something they have to deal with, but I feel like I have to deal with a lot. It doesn't really seem fair, and it pisses me off a lot of the time.

Right now, I'm just trying to tell myself there HAS to be a good reason why I'm struggling with this so much. Telling myself that has to be a lot better than the other shit I could be saying to myself right now.

Last night the woman I talked to said depression kills a lot of people in this country, but not a lot of people realize that. I can see why it kills people. It just sucks out everything that makes life good. And it makes you not give a shit if it ever gets better again, because you lose all motivation. I guess the only way to get better is to talk to people, try a bunch of meds, and fucking white knuckle it. I can't will myself TOTALLY better...but I can will myself to not accept this shit as my life.

For now, I'm going to try to sleep again. Mulling over all these thoughts isn't getting me anywhere... so why bother?

God...

So...mom just woke up a little bit ago (for some reason my previous post was wrong on the time...I actually clicked post at about 5:20am or so)....ANYWAY....mom just woke up and I told her that I called a suicide hot line a little while ago and that it really helped me.

Her response?

"God, you kids are just fucking crazy. You are all going to be the death of me."

Gee, thanks mom.

Bitch.

Oh well. Why do I expect anything more from her, anyway? I mean...I know she's never really helped me in the way I need...

Fuck her. I don't need her. I need myself...and if she's not behind me, that's ok. I'll deal. Because I'm beating this shit one way or another.

Ok...goodnight. For real this time!!!

I Don't Think I've Ever Felt This Low...

Right now, right at this VERY instant, I'm at the lowest point (as far as moods go) in my life.

Oh, GOD. Oh my GOD!!!

This sucks. I seriously don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm sick...physically sick. I just threw up, actually. I have an anxious, hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like I've forgotten to do something really important, but there's no way to fix it....only, times 1000! Yes, that feeling...times infinity!!!!

BLAAAAAH!

I kinda want to call someone...but I don't want to wake anyone up. That's probably dumb, isn't it? Because I really need to talk...only, I don't know what to say.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok...so, I wrote the above crap a couple of hours ago. Then I called a suicide hot line. She was really helpful. She gave me a good little mantra. She said I need to "stop using depression to rationalize depression." And holy shit! It was an epiphany! I just think and think and talk and talk myself into this HUGE circle of depressed craziness, and all the while I'm not taking my meds, I'm not talking to my therapist and I'm not getting any better. Sitting around analyzing all my symptoms isn't going to help. It all goes back to the fact that I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED! BLAH!!!! It doesn't matter that I feel lonely, that I think about death all the time, that I can't enjoy anything, that I have negative thoughts....what matters is that I'm depressed and that I have to do something to change it.

I have to start setting really small goals for myself. I've been setting the bar too high. I set myself up for failure when I do that shit. I'm not going to make straight A's right now...I'm not going to take my medicine every single day just like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to organize everything and fucking be perfect. BUT I can write through my feelings. I can wake up at the same time everyday and shower. I can do little things...that can lead up to the other shit. I've got to stop making myself feel so overwhelmed...

I'm going to depend on writing. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm going to write through it. Which probably means I'm going to have millions of posts on here, because all of my fucking thoughts are negative.

But I'm really going to try...I have to try. If I don't, I'm just going to get worse. I'm going to sit here until one day I'm going to go off into one of my crazy spells and not come back. I'll snap and fucking kill myself. And I don't want to die. I really don't. I have a purpose, damn it! I have to fight this! I have to get angry at my depression! I AM ANGRY AT IT! It sucks out everything that is good...and I'm so tired of living in a cloud of negativity.

Ok, ok...I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully, I wake up with a fighting spirit to beat this shit in my life. Because I AM worth it! Even if no one else can see it, I know that I'm worth something and that I have purpose. I just have to dwell on that...and remember to not use depression to rationalize depression.

Goodnight.

It Really IS A Quiet Whisper...

I just had a spiritual experience in the shower. Funny, right? I'm being serious, though.

The events leading up to that are unpleasant. Yuck. I guess I'll share so the story makes sense, though.

I don't even know how the argument got started, but Dad and I started arguing about gays in the church...well, just gays in general. Obviously my family doesn't know I'm bisexual. Anyway...for the first time I found the courage to stand up and say exactly what I think about gays...that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality and that a good person who happens to be gay has a place in heaven just like anyone else.

Somehow, the argument got shifted to my beliefs in general...and this is where it gets...I don't know, weird or whatever. Anyway, I said that I believed in God and that I pray and that I try to focus on serving other people...and if that wasn't enough, I will have lived the best way I knew how. I kinda left out that I'm really, really pissed at God, though. I didn't know how well-received that would have been. Then I said this, "The thing that really upsets me about most modern churches and the way the majority of Christians act in general is that there is no focus on service. Everyone is so ready to analyze the bible to pieces to figure out who is going to heaven or hell, but no one is ready to reach their hand out and help another person who is suffering. That's what Jesus was all about, too. It wasn't what he said that initially drew people to him, it was what he did. His service to other people is what made people listen to him. Why should we be any different?"

After I said that, I felt...funny. I don't know. I needed to get out of the room. I got in the shower unceremoniously, but was instantly struck with some sort of revelation. I want to serve other people. I mean...I've always known this, but the FULL MAGNITUDE of my passion just hit me all at once. I want to live my life for other people, helping them with whatever need they may have. And in order to do that, I have to find a way to let go of my anger. I can't serve other people with so much bitterness in my heart. To serve others takes complete selfless joy. And that's a joy I haven't felt in a long time, honestly. I just started to cry when I realized I was the one holding myself back from being happy. I realized I'm the one that must find a way to release my anger in order to be the selfless person I feel called to be.

Then, I started to pray. Like...out of nowhere! It was so strange! I was just praying and crying in the shower. And I've never prayed a prayer like that...it just felt so real and I felt so connected to something higher than me...I'm just crying now even thinking about it. I asked God to help me be a selfless servant, like I know I'm called to be. I realized the connection that I have with Jesus. Yes, I ACTUALLY have a connection with Jesus. We both have servant's hearts. When I realized THAT, I was struck with this awful pang of guilt. I guess I never really gave Jesus a fair chance. He never did anything to me, personally. I've just been judging him based on how most of the "Christians" in my life behave. Most people who profess to believe in Jesus, or even FOLLOW Jesus don't act a thing like him. When I started thinking about everything Jesus did, I was struck by the selflessness...and that's how I want to be.

Anyway...my prayer was that God would accept me for who I am and help me to be a servant to others and to do so with a selfless, joyful heart. I also asked that he help me find a place I can go to feel a connection to him and also to my purpose. I really would like to go to church...but I'm afraid. I'm scared of getting in a church and it not being the right one. I'm afraid of my trust being shattered...because out of nowhere I just developed a little bit of trust in God. Just a tiny bit...and I really don't want some judgemental preacher obsessed with rules to kill that.

I need someone to help me. I feel so...confused. I know what my purpose is, without a shadow of a doubt...even if all the details aren't clear yet. I honestly feel as if I have been spoken to by God...but I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I don't know what steps I need to take in order to start doing what I'm meant to do. And I REALLY don't now how to let go of my anger and resentment....I still feel upset at God, you know. I mean...UGH. I just don't know about any of it right now...

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Why is it always so fucking hard to stand up and say "NO" when it's really what I need to do????

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers....AND The Thing I Wish I Had.

"I don't know if you can handle the death of a lover..."

Ever since he said that to me, it's all I can think about. That statement is echoed over and over again in my mind. No matter what I'm doing or thinking about, somehow these words worm their way back into my brain to torment me.

I don't know if I can handle the death of a lover, either. I really don't. But I do know that I have to ride this one out. I have to see where it goes. I'm already in too deep, and I can't control my feelings anymore.

When we talked on the phone yesterday he told me, "I've resolved myself to fate. What they're doing isn't going to make me better, just slow down the progression of me getting worse. And I've accepted that."

Of course, I started crying. I couldn't help it. I told him I hadn't really accepted it yet, and I didn't know how, but I really didn't like for him to talk like that.

He just said it was something I needed to accept. He said, "Look, I love you. And I want nothing more than to be with you for years to come, get married, and have a big house in the country where I can dangle you from the ceiling if you're bad." (at which we both laughed, though I was still upset). But then he said, "But that's just not how it's going to be. And you have to accept that."

I'm trying my best to accept this, so I can determine what the hell I should be doing. What if he's lying? That possibility is shrinking more and more in my mind...I don't know. If he is, he's one hell of a liar. But I don't know what the motive would be at this point. I think a lot more will be revealed when I go back to Louisville. When I'm back in town, if he tries to avoid seeing me at all, I'm going to be SUPER leery of the whole situation again. Still, I don't even think that will happen...he's been asking me almost obsessively when I'm coming back. I don't see him going from wanting me to come back sooner, to not wanting to see me when I get there. I don't know...

Oh, and you read that correctly earlier. He told me he loved me. We've been using the "L" word for awhile now. It just sort of happened. He said it first, and I realized that I really did love him. I know that's CRAZY. I know it is....but I can't help it. I wonder if he ever feels crazy for loving someone he hasn't met...after all, he is reciprocating everything that I'm giving....it's not one-sided and I'm certainly not the only crazy here.

Why is it that this sort of thing is all cutesy and romantic when it's in a movie, but in real-life, you feel like everyone must think you are an ass? I don't get it.

All I can say is this: if he's NOT lying, then I'm not going anywhere. I hate that I still have a seed of doubt in my mind...but I think I have some reason for it to be there, especially as I've been so hurt and certainly more than once. Anyway, if all he says is true, and he's sick and dying and all of this...well, then I don't care. I'm sticking with him. He makes me happy and (as I finally admitted) I love him. (The last person I loved crushed me...not long after I admitted it...fuck, I hope that doesn't happen again.) I can't push him out of my life just because he won't always be there. As he said, "We are ALL dying." And we are. I could die tomorrow, for all anyone knows. Anyone could get close to someone only to have them die soon after....so, I don't care about that. I really love him and need him...and I already know he loves and needs me. He always makes a point to tell me.

Ugh....I just wish I could have a more resolved feeling about this. I wish I had a reason to hope. :(

Sweet Submission---And A Lesson For Those Who Don't Understand!

Just because I am submissive does NOT mean I'm weak. That is one aspect of my personality, albeit a large one, but that does NOT mean that I'm beneath everyone. I willingly submit to who I choose, and I do so either A) Out of respect/devotion/love to someone OR B) In order to have an outlet for my submissive needs.

I don't think there is anything wrong with pursuing ways to get my needs filled, and I don't think that I'm degrading myself when I do so. Why should something that makes me happy be considered as degrading?

I just wish people could understand the fulfillment I find in submission. I find so much peace and joy in it. When I'm submitting, it's one of the few times I'm actually happy. If people could understand how wonderful and complete I feel when I bend to the will of another, maybe they would stop judging me for it.

Fuckers...

I Know, I Know...

...I just posted a little bit ago. I know that.

*sigh*

I want to be treated roughly. Very roughly. I want to hurt. I want to see welts on my skin, before they turn into bruises. I want to cry.

I miss seeing bruises on my skin.

I don't know how fucked up that is to most...but for me, it's something I want with all of my heart. I want to be used only for someone's pleasure other than my own. I want someone to use me until I break, and then scoop me back up and be my source of comfort.

Can I find that in the same person?

My need to be treated roughly has caused me to get hurt before...hurt in a way I didn't want. I want to know that the person that bruises and breaks me does so with love in their heart. That they do it to test my trust and my devotion. Not like before, when it was all about him. It was never about me. He didn't give a fuck.

God, that was so long ago. Oh, well...he doesn't matter. I just have to make sure that I keep a clear head, and that I don't let myself fall into the trap of some abusive asshole again because of my masochistic needs.

God...I don't know if anyone knows how much I need it...I'm afraid of admitting how much I need to feel that pain. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Really, it's quite cathartic. I can't describe the amazing emotional release I get when someone brings me to the point of tears from pain they've inflicted....

Anyway...that's what I need. I'm just having a hard time waiting for it....

Fuuuuuuuuck.

CRAVING COCK!

I've got SUCH a hellacious craving for cock! God, what I wouldn't give to have a wonderfully thick cock slamming down my throat!

Yup. That's all...

Was it necessary to share?

Probably not, but it's weighing on my mind right now...so there it is. :P

I'm SOOOO Not All There...

God...what is wrong with me???

Why can't I stay happy for long? :(

Ugh...I know work did this to me. I know that's why I'm in such a foul mood. But when I feel like this, I have a hard time remaining calm and realizing it will pass.

I go from being angry and irritated to TERRIBLY needy. Oh, GOD...I'm such a needy little FUCK.

It's not so bad to need a friend to talk to...the problem arises when I start rummaging through trash in my past because I'm so fucking lonely.

Why can't I be like normal fucking people and get over it? Why can't I just call it a night, albeit a shitty one, and go to sleep??? No...instead, I deal with my anger and loneliness by dragging shit back into my life that I don't need.

*sigh*

UGHHHHHHH.......

I should have NEVER EVER EVER FUCKING CALLED HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHRRRGGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhh.....

I've got it BAD.

Soooo...

Yeah, I just posted. About two minutes ago, or something. But I don't care...

Am I stupid for falling all over again?

I'm terrified to admit it...but it's just how I feel. I truly can't help my emotions. I've NEVER had a good grasp on them...why would I now?

The funny thing is, I'm more terrified to admit how I feel because of my fear of how others will react. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

Oh, well...I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. And yes, it's been broken. But I can't seem to bring myself to hide it away. I don't want to, really.

Anyway...right now I feel happy. I feel a deep sense of serenity...and I truly believe everything will be ok and work out. I'm going to follow my heart completely and not hold a thing back.

If I get hurt again, at least I will know that I gave all I had to something that made me happy once.

:)

Sweet Like Candy To My Soul

I'm so lost for you...

(Gotta love Dave Matthews Band.)