"I don't know if you can handle the death of a lover..."
Ever since he said that to me, it's all I can think about. That statement is echoed over and over again in my mind. No matter what I'm doing or thinking about, somehow these words worm their way back into my brain to torment me.
I don't know if I can handle the death of a lover, either. I really don't. But I do know that I have to ride this one out. I have to see where it goes. I'm already in too deep, and I can't control my feelings anymore.
When we talked on the phone yesterday he told me, "I've resolved myself to fate. What they're doing isn't going to make me better, just slow down the progression of me getting worse. And I've accepted that."
Of course, I started crying. I couldn't help it. I told him I hadn't really accepted it yet, and I didn't know how, but I really didn't like for him to talk like that.
He just said it was something I needed to accept. He said, "Look, I love you. And I want nothing more than to be with you for years to come, get married, and have a big house in the country where I can dangle you from the ceiling if you're bad." (at which we both laughed, though I was still upset). But then he said, "But that's just not how it's going to be. And you have to accept that."
I'm trying my best to accept this, so I can determine what the hell I should be doing. What if he's lying? That possibility is shrinking more and more in my mind...I don't know. If he is, he's one hell of a liar. But I don't know what the motive would be at this point. I think a lot more will be revealed when I go back to Louisville. When I'm back in town, if he tries to avoid seeing me at all, I'm going to be SUPER leery of the whole situation again. Still, I don't even think that will happen...he's been asking me almost obsessively when I'm coming back. I don't see him going from wanting me to come back sooner, to not wanting to see me when I get there. I don't know...
Oh, and you read that correctly earlier. He told me he loved me. We've been using the "L" word for awhile now. It just sort of happened. He said it first, and I realized that I really did love him. I know that's CRAZY. I know it is....but I can't help it. I wonder if he ever feels crazy for loving someone he hasn't met...after all, he is reciprocating everything that I'm giving....it's not one-sided and I'm certainly not the only crazy here.
Why is it that this sort of thing is all cutesy and romantic when it's in a movie, but in real-life, you feel like everyone must think you are an ass? I don't get it.
All I can say is this: if he's NOT lying, then I'm not going anywhere. I hate that I still have a seed of doubt in my mind...but I think I have some reason for it to be there, especially as I've been so hurt and certainly more than once. Anyway, if all he says is true, and he's sick and dying and all of this...well, then I don't care. I'm sticking with him. He makes me happy and (as I finally admitted) I love him. (The last person I loved crushed me...not long after I admitted it...fuck, I hope that doesn't happen again.) I can't push him out of my life just because he won't always be there. As he said, "We are ALL dying." And we are. I could die tomorrow, for all anyone knows. Anyone could get close to someone only to have them die soon after....so, I don't care about that. I really love him and need him...and I already know he loves and needs me. He always makes a point to tell me.
Ugh....I just wish I could have a more resolved feeling about this. I wish I had a reason to hope. :(
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment