I Don't Think I've Ever Felt This Low...

Right now, right at this VERY instant, I'm at the lowest point (as far as moods go) in my life.

Oh, GOD. Oh my GOD!!!

This sucks. I seriously don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm sick...physically sick. I just threw up, actually. I have an anxious, hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like I've forgotten to do something really important, but there's no way to fix it....only, times 1000! Yes, that feeling...times infinity!!!!

BLAAAAAH!

I kinda want to call someone...but I don't want to wake anyone up. That's probably dumb, isn't it? Because I really need to talk...only, I don't know what to say.

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Ok...so, I wrote the above crap a couple of hours ago. Then I called a suicide hot line. She was really helpful. She gave me a good little mantra. She said I need to "stop using depression to rationalize depression." And holy shit! It was an epiphany! I just think and think and talk and talk myself into this HUGE circle of depressed craziness, and all the while I'm not taking my meds, I'm not talking to my therapist and I'm not getting any better. Sitting around analyzing all my symptoms isn't going to help. It all goes back to the fact that I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED! BLAH!!!! It doesn't matter that I feel lonely, that I think about death all the time, that I can't enjoy anything, that I have negative thoughts....what matters is that I'm depressed and that I have to do something to change it.

I have to start setting really small goals for myself. I've been setting the bar too high. I set myself up for failure when I do that shit. I'm not going to make straight A's right now...I'm not going to take my medicine every single day just like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to organize everything and fucking be perfect. BUT I can write through my feelings. I can wake up at the same time everyday and shower. I can do little things...that can lead up to the other shit. I've got to stop making myself feel so overwhelmed...

I'm going to depend on writing. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm going to write through it. Which probably means I'm going to have millions of posts on here, because all of my fucking thoughts are negative.

But I'm really going to try...I have to try. If I don't, I'm just going to get worse. I'm going to sit here until one day I'm going to go off into one of my crazy spells and not come back. I'll snap and fucking kill myself. And I don't want to die. I really don't. I have a purpose, damn it! I have to fight this! I have to get angry at my depression! I AM ANGRY AT IT! It sucks out everything that is good...and I'm so tired of living in a cloud of negativity.

Ok, ok...I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully, I wake up with a fighting spirit to beat this shit in my life. Because I AM worth it! Even if no one else can see it, I know that I'm worth something and that I have purpose. I just have to dwell on that...and remember to not use depression to rationalize depression.

Goodnight.