I Know, I Know...

...I just posted a little bit ago. I know that.

*sigh*

I want to be treated roughly. Very roughly. I want to hurt. I want to see welts on my skin, before they turn into bruises. I want to cry.

I miss seeing bruises on my skin.

I don't know how fucked up that is to most...but for me, it's something I want with all of my heart. I want to be used only for someone's pleasure other than my own. I want someone to use me until I break, and then scoop me back up and be my source of comfort.

Can I find that in the same person?

My need to be treated roughly has caused me to get hurt before...hurt in a way I didn't want. I want to know that the person that bruises and breaks me does so with love in their heart. That they do it to test my trust and my devotion. Not like before, when it was all about him. It was never about me. He didn't give a fuck.

God, that was so long ago. Oh, well...he doesn't matter. I just have to make sure that I keep a clear head, and that I don't let myself fall into the trap of some abusive asshole again because of my masochistic needs.

God...I don't know if anyone knows how much I need it...I'm afraid of admitting how much I need to feel that pain. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Really, it's quite cathartic. I can't describe the amazing emotional release I get when someone brings me to the point of tears from pain they've inflicted....

Anyway...that's what I need. I'm just having a hard time waiting for it....

Fuuuuuuuuck.