My thoughts keep me awake. It's really frustrating. I'm so tired all the time, but I just can't settle down to sleep. I've already tried a couple of times.
You know...I think the fact that I'm so tired right now is keeping me pretty mellow. My thought process is really clouded and bogged down, but it's not frantic. So...I guess that's good? It's weird. I'm having the exact same thoughts that caused me to freak out so badly last night, but I'm not freaking out now. I feel like I just smoked a shit ton of weed or something. I haven't (duh) but that's honestly the best thing I can think of right now to compare it to.
At this exact moment, I'm trying to reconcile all the bad shit in my life. I know that everybody has something they have to deal with, but I feel like I have to deal with a lot. It doesn't really seem fair, and it pisses me off a lot of the time.
Right now, I'm just trying to tell myself there HAS to be a good reason why I'm struggling with this so much. Telling myself that has to be a lot better than the other shit I could be saying to myself right now.
Last night the woman I talked to said depression kills a lot of people in this country, but not a lot of people realize that. I can see why it kills people. It just sucks out everything that makes life good. And it makes you not give a shit if it ever gets better again, because you lose all motivation. I guess the only way to get better is to talk to people, try a bunch of meds, and fucking white knuckle it. I can't will myself TOTALLY better...but I can will myself to not accept this shit as my life.
For now, I'm going to try to sleep again. Mulling over all these thoughts isn't getting me anywhere... so why bother?
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