It Really IS A Quiet Whisper...

I just had a spiritual experience in the shower. Funny, right? I'm being serious, though.

The events leading up to that are unpleasant. Yuck. I guess I'll share so the story makes sense, though.

I don't even know how the argument got started, but Dad and I started arguing about gays in the church...well, just gays in general. Obviously my family doesn't know I'm bisexual. Anyway...for the first time I found the courage to stand up and say exactly what I think about gays...that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality and that a good person who happens to be gay has a place in heaven just like anyone else.

Somehow, the argument got shifted to my beliefs in general...and this is where it gets...I don't know, weird or whatever. Anyway, I said that I believed in God and that I pray and that I try to focus on serving other people...and if that wasn't enough, I will have lived the best way I knew how. I kinda left out that I'm really, really pissed at God, though. I didn't know how well-received that would have been. Then I said this, "The thing that really upsets me about most modern churches and the way the majority of Christians act in general is that there is no focus on service. Everyone is so ready to analyze the bible to pieces to figure out who is going to heaven or hell, but no one is ready to reach their hand out and help another person who is suffering. That's what Jesus was all about, too. It wasn't what he said that initially drew people to him, it was what he did. His service to other people is what made people listen to him. Why should we be any different?"

After I said that, I felt...funny. I don't know. I needed to get out of the room. I got in the shower unceremoniously, but was instantly struck with some sort of revelation. I want to serve other people. I mean...I've always known this, but the FULL MAGNITUDE of my passion just hit me all at once. I want to live my life for other people, helping them with whatever need they may have. And in order to do that, I have to find a way to let go of my anger. I can't serve other people with so much bitterness in my heart. To serve others takes complete selfless joy. And that's a joy I haven't felt in a long time, honestly. I just started to cry when I realized I was the one holding myself back from being happy. I realized I'm the one that must find a way to release my anger in order to be the selfless person I feel called to be.

Then, I started to pray. Like...out of nowhere! It was so strange! I was just praying and crying in the shower. And I've never prayed a prayer like that...it just felt so real and I felt so connected to something higher than me...I'm just crying now even thinking about it. I asked God to help me be a selfless servant, like I know I'm called to be. I realized the connection that I have with Jesus. Yes, I ACTUALLY have a connection with Jesus. We both have servant's hearts. When I realized THAT, I was struck with this awful pang of guilt. I guess I never really gave Jesus a fair chance. He never did anything to me, personally. I've just been judging him based on how most of the "Christians" in my life behave. Most people who profess to believe in Jesus, or even FOLLOW Jesus don't act a thing like him. When I started thinking about everything Jesus did, I was struck by the selflessness...and that's how I want to be.

Anyway...my prayer was that God would accept me for who I am and help me to be a servant to others and to do so with a selfless, joyful heart. I also asked that he help me find a place I can go to feel a connection to him and also to my purpose. I really would like to go to church...but I'm afraid. I'm scared of getting in a church and it not being the right one. I'm afraid of my trust being shattered...because out of nowhere I just developed a little bit of trust in God. Just a tiny bit...and I really don't want some judgemental preacher obsessed with rules to kill that.

I need someone to help me. I feel so...confused. I know what my purpose is, without a shadow of a doubt...even if all the details aren't clear yet. I honestly feel as if I have been spoken to by God...but I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I don't know what steps I need to take in order to start doing what I'm meant to do. And I REALLY don't now how to let go of my anger and resentment....I still feel upset at God, you know. I mean...UGH. I just don't know about any of it right now...