I fucking hate my father. I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!
It would give me no greater satisfaction in this world than to see him die. I want to watch him suffer...perhaps a heart attack. I want him to writhe in pain and die in front of me while I watch with glee.
Yes, I hate him that fucking badly. And I really don't care what people think about it. Some people might think I sound like a crazy, angry bitch...maybe they think I should have better control of my emotions.
Well, fuck them. Yup. Because I want him to die. He deserves it, and the people who would think badly of me for saying that don't know him very well. They don't know all the shit he's put me through. They don't know about all the times that he spanked me for no reason. How he spanked me until I had hand-print bruises on my ass. How he fucking spanked me until I pissed on myself...and how he did it on purpose to humiliate me. All of this when I was just a child...as I got older, he took to slapping my face, or hitting me with whatever was within his reach with where ever he could find an open spot on me to hit...
Being home brings all these memories back to the surface. With every fucking word he says to me, I get more and more sick. He is like a poison that runs through my veins, and I can't fucking stand it anymore.
And, once again, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't have a friend with a strong enough stomach, I suppose. People want me to cheer up...to try to be happy. Fuck that shit. I'd like to see someone be happy in a home where they have to live with the fucker that systematically abused them physically and verbally all of their life. How would they like it to live with their abuser, but to have to pretend like nothing ever fucking happened?????
God, it's times like this that I seriously want to die. He overwhelms me with so much anger and sadness and frustration that death seems to be the only viable escape from all of this shit. But I can't tell anyone THAT either...people tend to get very uncomfortable when you mention you feel like dying. That you WANT to die...once again, what weak-stomached friends I have...God, love them anyway.
Fuck...I need to get out of here. I just need someone to love me unconditionally and who can take me away from this. I wish I had someone to help me right now...
Fuck Fuck Fuck....I have to stop this shit and get ready for work now. I don't want to go in red-faced and obviously recovering from crying...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The Street Where You Live....Why Is It So Far From Here?!
I'm still wishing he lived closer to me. We've become good friends (by bonding over how fucked up so many people in the BDSM community are, haha).
We both have the same complaint: we just can't seem to find a decent person within a 100 mile radius. He tells me he wishes he knew more subbies like me...and I tell him that I wish Kentucky had a Dom that was worth a shit...i.e. a Dom like him. We've had great conversations about all types of things, kinky and vanilla topics alike. We've shared our DEEPEST fantasies...something I haven't even been able to do with Jason or Master!
And even though we are nothing more than casual friends who have wonderful conversations, I wonder if we could be more if it weren't for the distance. I wonder if we could see each other on a regular basis, if we could make a deeper connection. We've loosely planned to meet, since we enjoy talking so much. We talk everyday. In fact, I look forward to my conversations with him more than I look forward to talking to Master or anyone else. My priorities are probably fucked up, aren't they?
He makes me feel the way a Dominant SHOULD make a submissive feel: equal, but not the same. I'm very aware of his role (even though he has no direct authority in my life). I'm aware of who he is and his stature. He is aware of mine. There is a mutual respect and a certain amount of protocol involving our roles...but I feel equal to him. I love it. Even though I'm submissive, I don't feel lowly or below him. I don't feel like I have to grovel to talk to him.
If he is never able to be anything else, he is becoming a very good friend, and is great company to talk to. I love how he remains so positive about the potential of my love life, even when I'm not. He keeps telling me a submissive like me shouldn't be single for long...I hope he's right, but I just don't know.
God...I feel so desperate. I'm trying so hard not to show it. I'm pretty sure I'm not...but sometimes I'm afraid it will leak out and scare everyone off. A good friend told me tonight to not settle and to not be desperate. I'm trying very hard to avoid both of those things.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in such a dire need for a Dom that ANY Dom that is even halfway ok would seem PERFECT to me.
*sigh* I wish I lived somewhere else, where there was a more developed community of people with my interests.
We both have the same complaint: we just can't seem to find a decent person within a 100 mile radius. He tells me he wishes he knew more subbies like me...and I tell him that I wish Kentucky had a Dom that was worth a shit...i.e. a Dom like him. We've had great conversations about all types of things, kinky and vanilla topics alike. We've shared our DEEPEST fantasies...something I haven't even been able to do with Jason or Master!
And even though we are nothing more than casual friends who have wonderful conversations, I wonder if we could be more if it weren't for the distance. I wonder if we could see each other on a regular basis, if we could make a deeper connection. We've loosely planned to meet, since we enjoy talking so much. We talk everyday. In fact, I look forward to my conversations with him more than I look forward to talking to Master or anyone else. My priorities are probably fucked up, aren't they?
He makes me feel the way a Dominant SHOULD make a submissive feel: equal, but not the same. I'm very aware of his role (even though he has no direct authority in my life). I'm aware of who he is and his stature. He is aware of mine. There is a mutual respect and a certain amount of protocol involving our roles...but I feel equal to him. I love it. Even though I'm submissive, I don't feel lowly or below him. I don't feel like I have to grovel to talk to him.
If he is never able to be anything else, he is becoming a very good friend, and is great company to talk to. I love how he remains so positive about the potential of my love life, even when I'm not. He keeps telling me a submissive like me shouldn't be single for long...I hope he's right, but I just don't know.
God...I feel so desperate. I'm trying so hard not to show it. I'm pretty sure I'm not...but sometimes I'm afraid it will leak out and scare everyone off. A good friend told me tonight to not settle and to not be desperate. I'm trying very hard to avoid both of those things.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in such a dire need for a Dom that ANY Dom that is even halfway ok would seem PERFECT to me.
*sigh* I wish I lived somewhere else, where there was a more developed community of people with my interests.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
So, I didn't drown my sorrows...I did drink, but I'm not drunk. Just a little buzzed, I guess.
Drinking with mom was fun. I'm glad we had some time together without dad stepping on our toes...
And she wonders why I've wanted her to divorce the prick since I was in middle school...
I think I'm going to see if Master is awake now. I hope He isn't displeased with me...
Drinking with mom was fun. I'm glad we had some time together without dad stepping on our toes...
And she wonders why I've wanted her to divorce the prick since I was in middle school...
I think I'm going to see if Master is awake now. I hope He isn't displeased with me...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Drowning My Sorrows...
I feel really sick...I hate to throw up, but I feel like I'm going to do just that.
I wish I could purge myself of how I feel, though...I'd be willing to bite the bullet and puke for a long damn time, if that were possible...
How great would that be? If you were depressed, or sad, or angry...you could just throw it up. Get rid of it and forget it, like you do with a meal that didn't settle well.
Wow, I'm crazy. Oh, well...I don't give a fuck.
Hmm...this was a VERY bad day...it was worthy of TWO blog entries!
*sigh* I'm going to go get drunk now...
I wish I could purge myself of how I feel, though...I'd be willing to bite the bullet and puke for a long damn time, if that were possible...
How great would that be? If you were depressed, or sad, or angry...you could just throw it up. Get rid of it and forget it, like you do with a meal that didn't settle well.
Wow, I'm crazy. Oh, well...I don't give a fuck.
Hmm...this was a VERY bad day...it was worthy of TWO blog entries!
*sigh* I'm going to go get drunk now...
Why Can't I Give Up The Goddamned Ghost?!
I don't know why he still crosses my mind, even though things obviously will not work out. Even if, by some snowball's chance in hell, he came to me with some unbelievably good excuse, I don't think I could buy it. I don't think there IS an excuse for what he put me through. And to think he had the fucking nerve to be worried about whether or not I would "cheat on" him. We were never even dating! He was the one making all sorts of promises and shit...he was the one "afraid of getting hurt" and the HE was the one who fucking DROPPED ME! The last thing he said to me was that he was going to the doctor again because he wasn't feeling well...and that's it. For all I know, he's fucking dead. (Even though he's NOT...because he was online since that time, he just didn't have the decency to let me know what the fucking hell was going on).
I'm just still really angry, you know? And I can't seem to get over how badly I was played...I haven't let that happen to me in a LONG damn time...I guess that's what I get for letting my guard down.
The trouble is, Master WANTS my guard down...and I'm finding it very hard to comply with His request. I might as well go ahead and spill that I'm VERY much into erotic hypnotism...and Master has hypnotized me several times. Today, however, He told me that He could tell I was not letting go fully. He wanted to know why...I told Him I didn't know. Let's just hope He couldn't tell I was lying...I didn't want to admit that I was still fretting over some jackass that decided to ignore me out of the blue...SHIT!!!!
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with Master. He has already talked about seeing me when I go back to school...which would be past the 90 day time period. He watched me sleeping today, and told me I looked like a princess....I just don't know how to handle this shit. No one has ever talked to me the way Master does...and with such sincerity! I almost want to laugh, because it feels so ridiculous that someone would actually WANT to treat me well. I can't make things work with Master, though...there's too much in the way. And I'm not going into all that shit...I just don't even want to think about it.
I'm scared of Master's feelings for me. He has already started telling me He loves me. Poor Dear. He has no idea that I'm going to crush Him. He doesn't know that I'm planning to walk away from all of this. I'm afraid to tell Him out of purely selfish reasons. I need someone in my life right now that actually gives a shit about me. If He knew that I could never bring myself to care about Him the way He wants me to, He wouldn't bother with me. I know it's that simple, therefore I'm keeping my mouth shut at the moment.
I don't know...He could take care of me. He could give me a home in a place I've always wanted to visit...living there would be awesome. :) I fucking hate school. I hate home. I'm growing to hate everything about this place and this whole state. Maybe I could just runway and be His slave...no one would even know where to find me.
Yeah, that sounds pretty enticing right now...
I'm just still really angry, you know? And I can't seem to get over how badly I was played...I haven't let that happen to me in a LONG damn time...I guess that's what I get for letting my guard down.
The trouble is, Master WANTS my guard down...and I'm finding it very hard to comply with His request. I might as well go ahead and spill that I'm VERY much into erotic hypnotism...and Master has hypnotized me several times. Today, however, He told me that He could tell I was not letting go fully. He wanted to know why...I told Him I didn't know. Let's just hope He couldn't tell I was lying...I didn't want to admit that I was still fretting over some jackass that decided to ignore me out of the blue...SHIT!!!!
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with Master. He has already talked about seeing me when I go back to school...which would be past the 90 day time period. He watched me sleeping today, and told me I looked like a princess....I just don't know how to handle this shit. No one has ever talked to me the way Master does...and with such sincerity! I almost want to laugh, because it feels so ridiculous that someone would actually WANT to treat me well. I can't make things work with Master, though...there's too much in the way. And I'm not going into all that shit...I just don't even want to think about it.
I'm scared of Master's feelings for me. He has already started telling me He loves me. Poor Dear. He has no idea that I'm going to crush Him. He doesn't know that I'm planning to walk away from all of this. I'm afraid to tell Him out of purely selfish reasons. I need someone in my life right now that actually gives a shit about me. If He knew that I could never bring myself to care about Him the way He wants me to, He wouldn't bother with me. I know it's that simple, therefore I'm keeping my mouth shut at the moment.
I don't know...He could take care of me. He could give me a home in a place I've always wanted to visit...living there would be awesome. :) I fucking hate school. I hate home. I'm growing to hate everything about this place and this whole state. Maybe I could just runway and be His slave...no one would even know where to find me.
Yeah, that sounds pretty enticing right now...
Monday, May 25, 2009
My Many Masters
"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other..." Matthew 6:24
Leave it to me to bring the Bible into this. I already have enough problems without having to think about my feelings regarding Christianity or God. However, this verse intrigues me.
I serve many masters, really...though, they don't all go by that name. There is Master, of course. I think it is safe to say that He harbors the most control over me...I will drop everything and make excuses from here to the end of time in order to cater to what Master wants from me.
Then there is Jason, my Dom. We spoke very briefly today...He said He missed me, and I had to seriously choke back all the angry word vomit I wanted to spew at Him.
Then there is Spencer...he is only a friend that I've been talking to. He's a very decent person, and I love talking to him...but our conversations have grown more personal and much more sexual. We've discussed certain fantasies, and tomorrow I'm going to act on one...he requested a picture of it, and I complied. That happened out of NOWHERE.
I've just started to pursue someone else, as well...we are only starting to get to know each other...but I feel he is important to mention, just so you can get a sense of how many ways I'm being split.
It's exhausting! I have to make up excuses...work out the time of when I'm supposedly "sleeping" so I can talk to one man when another thinks I've gone to bed...that sort of thing. My mom calls it robbing Peter to pay Paul. That's exactly what I'm doing...by trying to serve more than one master, I've done NONE of them justice...
Yet, when I lay down at night, I'm alone. And who do I think of? Oh, very good...you guessed it! Even though I said my goodbyes without a word in response, I still think of him. Master wants me to imagine myself in His arms as I sleep...I try, but I'm so troubled by how things played out with him that I often cannot imagine being in Master's arms. I know He is puzzled when I tell Him I sleep poorly. He wonders why...He has NO idea that so many others are on my mind, at all times. He thinks I'm such a good girl.
I want to be a good girl, but maybe I'm not....maybe I'm just a bitch that really needs to feel like she's being put in her place. I need control so badly that I'm growing more willing to accept it from whoever is willing to exert it over me. I know this puts me in a precarious position...but with the way things are going in my life in general, I don't care what happens to me.
Anyway...I guess the point of this entry is that I have NO idea what I want, and so I'm spreading myself everywhere. I'm spreading myself so terribly thin. I'm serving more than one Master...and instead of loving just one, I'm growing to hate them all. And not ONE really did anything to me....then again, I hate a lot of people these days. People can fuck off and die...just as a general rule.
*sigh* I need out of here.
Leave it to me to bring the Bible into this. I already have enough problems without having to think about my feelings regarding Christianity or God. However, this verse intrigues me.
I serve many masters, really...though, they don't all go by that name. There is Master, of course. I think it is safe to say that He harbors the most control over me...I will drop everything and make excuses from here to the end of time in order to cater to what Master wants from me.
Then there is Jason, my Dom. We spoke very briefly today...He said He missed me, and I had to seriously choke back all the angry word vomit I wanted to spew at Him.
Then there is Spencer...he is only a friend that I've been talking to. He's a very decent person, and I love talking to him...but our conversations have grown more personal and much more sexual. We've discussed certain fantasies, and tomorrow I'm going to act on one...he requested a picture of it, and I complied. That happened out of NOWHERE.
I've just started to pursue someone else, as well...we are only starting to get to know each other...but I feel he is important to mention, just so you can get a sense of how many ways I'm being split.
It's exhausting! I have to make up excuses...work out the time of when I'm supposedly "sleeping" so I can talk to one man when another thinks I've gone to bed...that sort of thing. My mom calls it robbing Peter to pay Paul. That's exactly what I'm doing...by trying to serve more than one master, I've done NONE of them justice...
Yet, when I lay down at night, I'm alone. And who do I think of? Oh, very good...you guessed it! Even though I said my goodbyes without a word in response, I still think of him. Master wants me to imagine myself in His arms as I sleep...I try, but I'm so troubled by how things played out with him that I often cannot imagine being in Master's arms. I know He is puzzled when I tell Him I sleep poorly. He wonders why...He has NO idea that so many others are on my mind, at all times. He thinks I'm such a good girl.
I want to be a good girl, but maybe I'm not....maybe I'm just a bitch that really needs to feel like she's being put in her place. I need control so badly that I'm growing more willing to accept it from whoever is willing to exert it over me. I know this puts me in a precarious position...but with the way things are going in my life in general, I don't care what happens to me.
Anyway...I guess the point of this entry is that I have NO idea what I want, and so I'm spreading myself everywhere. I'm spreading myself so terribly thin. I'm serving more than one Master...and instead of loving just one, I'm growing to hate them all. And not ONE really did anything to me....then again, I hate a lot of people these days. People can fuck off and die...just as a general rule.
*sigh* I need out of here.
Friday, May 22, 2009
FUCK IT ALL!
I'm sinking deeper into my depression. I can feel it killing me from the inside out. I don't know what to do. I hate taking medicine, and I honestly don't believe it works anyway.
I feel like no one cares how I feel. When I try to get all the things off my chest that need to be said, people stop me in my tracks. They change the subject. No one wants to hear about my problems...can't say I blame them, really. I don't want to hear about them anymore, either.
*sigh* I don't know...I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same old shit. I'm tired of feeling the same way everyday. I've felt like shit for years now. YEARS. I wish people could understand the toll that can take on a person.
I'm not sure what people think of me. I'm growing to believe that people think I feel this way for attention or something. FUCK THEM. It's not for attention. I'd rather be happy and have people leave me the fuck alone, rather than being miserable and feeling so goddamn needy. I don't WANT to need people, but I do.
The question is, who needs me? Answer? No one...absolutely fucking no one. I realized today that if I died, people would probably go through the standard mourning period, but would probably feel much relieved that I wasn't there to bring them down anymore. That's all I'm good for. I can't help it, but at the same time I do realize that to be the truth.
God, I'm so unhappy. If I have to wake up one more day with this heaviness in my chest and knowing that no one cares about me, I'll just die.
I feel like no one cares how I feel. When I try to get all the things off my chest that need to be said, people stop me in my tracks. They change the subject. No one wants to hear about my problems...can't say I blame them, really. I don't want to hear about them anymore, either.
*sigh* I don't know...I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same old shit. I'm tired of feeling the same way everyday. I've felt like shit for years now. YEARS. I wish people could understand the toll that can take on a person.
I'm not sure what people think of me. I'm growing to believe that people think I feel this way for attention or something. FUCK THEM. It's not for attention. I'd rather be happy and have people leave me the fuck alone, rather than being miserable and feeling so goddamn needy. I don't WANT to need people, but I do.
The question is, who needs me? Answer? No one...absolutely fucking no one. I realized today that if I died, people would probably go through the standard mourning period, but would probably feel much relieved that I wasn't there to bring them down anymore. That's all I'm good for. I can't help it, but at the same time I do realize that to be the truth.
God, I'm so unhappy. If I have to wake up one more day with this heaviness in my chest and knowing that no one cares about me, I'll just die.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Heartache: Some Things Never Seem To Change
God, I'm so fucking hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He hasn't spoken to me since May 1st...and hasn't even been online since May 7th. I don't understand what could have happened. I've been trying to ignore it. I've been waiting to see if he would come back, with some crazy good excuse as to why he hasn't spoken to me in so long. But, he hasn't.
So, today I sent him what will probably be the last message I ever send him. It was a goodbye message. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. I had put so much trust in him. And he crushed it all. Silently crushed every last bit of it. He didn't even have to say a word...it was what he didn't say. It was how long he waited to say anything.
I should probably feel like he was a loser, and that I was too good for him. You know, something like that in order to help me get over it. But I can't find it in myself to believe that. He seemed so perfect. I felt like I had found someone that had real potential as a friend, Dom, and lover. But, no. Yet again, I find myself coming up short.
This always happens to me...people lead me on. They hurt me. I'm trying desperately not to become a jaded bitch that does the same to other helpless people...but the idea of that is growing more and more appealing. I want someone to feel as bad as I do. I want someone to have to share this pain.
*sigh* The sad thing is, I feel like I don't have any options. Yes, Master is quite good to me. He makes me happy...but a relationship with Him is not practical for various reasons. I'm planning on walking---no, skipping away after 90 days. I'm going to break His heart in half. He will feel it in every pore of His body...the pain will radiate through Him. I know He didn't do anything to deserve it...but neither did I. And right now, I think hurting an innocent person is the only way I could feel better. Who knows if it will actually work or not?
Will I ever find a suitable Dom? Someone who will give me direction in my life? Someone I can share my life with? I am so desperate to feel controlled that I'm looking anywhere to get it. I'm lowering myself and my standards in order to feel controlled. It's a very addictive drug. I can't explain it. I wish I could. Perhaps if I could understand this need better, I could defeat it.
Oh, yeah: Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For someone who is supposedly my "Dom," He doesn't seem to give a shit about me. I can't remember the last time we spoke...
Why don't people care about me? I'm so tired of pouring out my love and getting none in return. I feel like a sponge that has been squeezed to the very last drop. I have nothing left to give anyone anymore. Until I start feeling loved by others, I can't find it in my heart to love ANYONE.
He hasn't spoken to me since May 1st...and hasn't even been online since May 7th. I don't understand what could have happened. I've been trying to ignore it. I've been waiting to see if he would come back, with some crazy good excuse as to why he hasn't spoken to me in so long. But, he hasn't.
So, today I sent him what will probably be the last message I ever send him. It was a goodbye message. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. I had put so much trust in him. And he crushed it all. Silently crushed every last bit of it. He didn't even have to say a word...it was what he didn't say. It was how long he waited to say anything.
I should probably feel like he was a loser, and that I was too good for him. You know, something like that in order to help me get over it. But I can't find it in myself to believe that. He seemed so perfect. I felt like I had found someone that had real potential as a friend, Dom, and lover. But, no. Yet again, I find myself coming up short.
This always happens to me...people lead me on. They hurt me. I'm trying desperately not to become a jaded bitch that does the same to other helpless people...but the idea of that is growing more and more appealing. I want someone to feel as bad as I do. I want someone to have to share this pain.
*sigh* The sad thing is, I feel like I don't have any options. Yes, Master is quite good to me. He makes me happy...but a relationship with Him is not practical for various reasons. I'm planning on walking---no, skipping away after 90 days. I'm going to break His heart in half. He will feel it in every pore of His body...the pain will radiate through Him. I know He didn't do anything to deserve it...but neither did I. And right now, I think hurting an innocent person is the only way I could feel better. Who knows if it will actually work or not?
Will I ever find a suitable Dom? Someone who will give me direction in my life? Someone I can share my life with? I am so desperate to feel controlled that I'm looking anywhere to get it. I'm lowering myself and my standards in order to feel controlled. It's a very addictive drug. I can't explain it. I wish I could. Perhaps if I could understand this need better, I could defeat it.
Oh, yeah: Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For someone who is supposedly my "Dom," He doesn't seem to give a shit about me. I can't remember the last time we spoke...
Why don't people care about me? I'm so tired of pouring out my love and getting none in return. I feel like a sponge that has been squeezed to the very last drop. I have nothing left to give anyone anymore. Until I start feeling loved by others, I can't find it in my heart to love ANYONE.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Grin and Bare It
I have now appeared naked to Master. I feel very good about it. It feels good to have surrendered my mind and body to another person. It's a huge risk, but the payoff is amazing. I don't have to worry about consequences. It's Master's job to worry about the consequences of my actions. My body and mind belong to Him...it feels fabulous!
Still, in the back of my mind, I have so many fears and worries. I worry about what other people would think. I worry about Jason. I fear that I am getting sucked deeper into Master, and I won't be able to walk away so easily after 90 days...
I don't know...I'm going to try to live my life one day at a time. Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. If Master makes me happy, how bad could it really be? He relaxes me...He helps me sleep at night...He gives me such amazing release.
He actually cares about me! For ME!!! I don't feel like anyone else has ever done that. I must admit that I have a basic mistrust of almost everyone, and so I asked Him, "Master, why do you even care about me?" I wasn't trying to hear an answer to puff up my self worth...I truly wanted to know. He answered that He found me intriguing, interesting, intelligent, and exciting. That I turn Him on...not just physically, but mentally.
I need to know that. I need to know that I have some worth and use in relation to another person. And no one else ever lets me know. Everyone else insists on badgering me for their own amusement. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm the butt of everyone's jokes. No one can be serious with me, even though I crave sincerity. I want to know that I'm loved and useful to the people that I share my life with, friends and otherwise...yet no one can seem to find it in their hearts to tell me.
But Master does. He tells me exactly how He feels about me, and hides nothing. And I do the same for him. I need more people like that in my life...but I don't know how to get them. I don't know where to find them. Whenever I am open with friends who give me a hard time, I feel like they dismiss my feelings. I know they are only joking, but after awhile it really starts to hurt. I wonder if they even know that.
I've been told that I shouldn't care what others think, that my worth should be self-based. Yes, of course I know that...but whenever everyone is telling you that you are stupid, an idiot, untalented, even crazy...how am I supposed to believe anything I would LIKE to think is true about myself? It seems to me that it is a cruel contradiction for the people who tell you to find self-worth to be the same people who constantly cut you down. I don't understand why they do it. The only thing that makes that scenario something I can handle is that I give them the benefit of the doubt...I tell myself they must not know how they hurt me. However, it's getting harder to tell myself that, especially when I DO tell people when they hurt me, and they seem to shrug it off.
*sigh* This went from being happy about Master to being extremely depressed about everyone else in my life. I'd better stop now...I've made myself cry thinking about all this shit, and I have to leave for work very shortly. God...I think it's going to be a long night. :(
Still, in the back of my mind, I have so many fears and worries. I worry about what other people would think. I worry about Jason. I fear that I am getting sucked deeper into Master, and I won't be able to walk away so easily after 90 days...
I don't know...I'm going to try to live my life one day at a time. Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. If Master makes me happy, how bad could it really be? He relaxes me...He helps me sleep at night...He gives me such amazing release.
He actually cares about me! For ME!!! I don't feel like anyone else has ever done that. I must admit that I have a basic mistrust of almost everyone, and so I asked Him, "Master, why do you even care about me?" I wasn't trying to hear an answer to puff up my self worth...I truly wanted to know. He answered that He found me intriguing, interesting, intelligent, and exciting. That I turn Him on...not just physically, but mentally.
I need to know that. I need to know that I have some worth and use in relation to another person. And no one else ever lets me know. Everyone else insists on badgering me for their own amusement. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm the butt of everyone's jokes. No one can be serious with me, even though I crave sincerity. I want to know that I'm loved and useful to the people that I share my life with, friends and otherwise...yet no one can seem to find it in their hearts to tell me.
But Master does. He tells me exactly how He feels about me, and hides nothing. And I do the same for him. I need more people like that in my life...but I don't know how to get them. I don't know where to find them. Whenever I am open with friends who give me a hard time, I feel like they dismiss my feelings. I know they are only joking, but after awhile it really starts to hurt. I wonder if they even know that.
I've been told that I shouldn't care what others think, that my worth should be self-based. Yes, of course I know that...but whenever everyone is telling you that you are stupid, an idiot, untalented, even crazy...how am I supposed to believe anything I would LIKE to think is true about myself? It seems to me that it is a cruel contradiction for the people who tell you to find self-worth to be the same people who constantly cut you down. I don't understand why they do it. The only thing that makes that scenario something I can handle is that I give them the benefit of the doubt...I tell myself they must not know how they hurt me. However, it's getting harder to tell myself that, especially when I DO tell people when they hurt me, and they seem to shrug it off.
*sigh* This went from being happy about Master to being extremely depressed about everyone else in my life. I'd better stop now...I've made myself cry thinking about all this shit, and I have to leave for work very shortly. God...I think it's going to be a long night. :(
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Who's Your Daddy?
So, I always thought that calling someone "daddy" would be kind of creepy...
...I don't think that anymore.
It's actually pretty fucking hot, and also comforting in a strange way. Master knew just how to help me sleep last night...He helped me imagine that I was lying in His arms...in "Daddy's arms," as He put it. Instantly, I became aroused...it was just so hot to hear Him say that. He knew I was very aroused, too. And He knew I wouldn't be able to sleep like that, so He allowed me release. He is a very kind Master. He knows when I need release, and He allows me to have it. I have to ask permission, of course, but He delivers...and that's definitely a change from what I'm used to.
Then, He talked to me until I fell asleep. He never left. He didn't get too tired to talk to me, and He didn't leave while I needed Him. No one has ever done that for me. Ever.
He is a very caring Master, indeed. I think I'm growing more and more glad that I've accepted his training. I'm not sure where it will lead. (Probably nowhere, to be honest...I must admit I'm rather flaky). Even if it DOESN'T lead anywhere, this time won't be spent in vain...
I believe He was sent to me to help me fight the loneliness I was feeling. Master won't let me feel lonely this summer. Bless Him for that.
...I don't think that anymore.
It's actually pretty fucking hot, and also comforting in a strange way. Master knew just how to help me sleep last night...He helped me imagine that I was lying in His arms...in "Daddy's arms," as He put it. Instantly, I became aroused...it was just so hot to hear Him say that. He knew I was very aroused, too. And He knew I wouldn't be able to sleep like that, so He allowed me release. He is a very kind Master. He knows when I need release, and He allows me to have it. I have to ask permission, of course, but He delivers...and that's definitely a change from what I'm used to.
Then, He talked to me until I fell asleep. He never left. He didn't get too tired to talk to me, and He didn't leave while I needed Him. No one has ever done that for me. Ever.
He is a very caring Master, indeed. I think I'm growing more and more glad that I've accepted his training. I'm not sure where it will lead. (Probably nowhere, to be honest...I must admit I'm rather flaky). Even if it DOESN'T lead anywhere, this time won't be spent in vain...
I believe He was sent to me to help me fight the loneliness I was feeling. Master won't let me feel lonely this summer. Bless Him for that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Yes, Master...
Someone has taken control of me for a trial period of 90 days. He is offering long-distance slave training.
Am I an idiot for accepting?
I like Him a great deal...He is mentally stimulating. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other people I've met via the Internet.
I'm afraid of the control I've already given Him. I've come to refer to Him as Master. I don't think Jason (my Dom) would be very pleased that I've accepted a Master without telling Him...
Jason has always said that His collar is open to me forever, and if I want to pursue someone else, He should be happy for me...but He wishes to know.
Yet, I haven't told Him.
I'm a terrible fucking subbie. Yup.
So, I have no clue why I've accepted slave training. I'll probably make a far worse slave. Oh, I hope not... :-/
I guess I'm just hurt. SO FUCKING HURT!!! And very, very lonely. So, someone comes along and wants to understand every part of me. He wants to know what makes me tick...what is so wrong with that?
I know because I'm trying so hard to justify it, that there MUST be something BAD WRONG with this whole ordeal...but I'm so desperate to feel a deep sense of control and power over me that I don't fucking care anymore. I just want to be controlled. I want my will to be broken, and I want to be rendered helpless by someone that can love me.
This probably sounds CRAZY to whoever the hell reads this...but I don't think I care. Anyway..."Only Master and I matter." Ah, the mantra of a slave...if only I could convince my mind that what my body and emotions are feeling is true. Perhaps then I would be at peace.
Am I an idiot for accepting?
I like Him a great deal...He is mentally stimulating. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other people I've met via the Internet.
I'm afraid of the control I've already given Him. I've come to refer to Him as Master. I don't think Jason (my Dom) would be very pleased that I've accepted a Master without telling Him...
Jason has always said that His collar is open to me forever, and if I want to pursue someone else, He should be happy for me...but He wishes to know.
Yet, I haven't told Him.
I'm a terrible fucking subbie. Yup.
So, I have no clue why I've accepted slave training. I'll probably make a far worse slave. Oh, I hope not... :-/
I guess I'm just hurt. SO FUCKING HURT!!! And very, very lonely. So, someone comes along and wants to understand every part of me. He wants to know what makes me tick...what is so wrong with that?
I know because I'm trying so hard to justify it, that there MUST be something BAD WRONG with this whole ordeal...but I'm so desperate to feel a deep sense of control and power over me that I don't fucking care anymore. I just want to be controlled. I want my will to be broken, and I want to be rendered helpless by someone that can love me.
This probably sounds CRAZY to whoever the hell reads this...but I don't think I care. Anyway..."Only Master and I matter." Ah, the mantra of a slave...if only I could convince my mind that what my body and emotions are feeling is true. Perhaps then I would be at peace.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I haven't taken my crazy meds in a week or so...I'm not sure why. I think it's my subconscious rebelling against the stuff. I HATE being on anti-depressants!!!!!!
Urgh...I guess I should go take them. If any of my friends who know I'm on meds knew that I'm not taking them regularly, they'd probably be on my case about it. *sigh*
Maybe I SHOULDN'T have given this blog to a close friend, as a "secret way to communicate."
:P
Urgh...I guess I should go take them. If any of my friends who know I'm on meds knew that I'm not taking them regularly, they'd probably be on my case about it. *sigh*
Maybe I SHOULDN'T have given this blog to a close friend, as a "secret way to communicate."
:P
Strumming My Pain With His Fingers...
Today during my break at work, Killing Me Softly With His Song came on and I almost broke down and cried. Don't ask me why...maybe it's because I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat anyway, and it doesn't take much to provoke me. I really had to suck it up, as I was sitting in the dining room and there were customers out there and such. But I could feel tears stinging at my eyes and I felt so fucking sad. I was texting James and I don't think that helped much...*sigh* I miss him so much! I've only been away from him for a couple of weeks or something, but it feels like I haven't seen him in ages. I guess I need to make more friends around here, or I'm going to be miserable this summer. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking lonely all the time.
Now that I'm home, at least I can cry in peace. :*(
Now that I'm home, at least I can cry in peace. :*(
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I'm About To Slap A Bastard!
So...married guy that I had phone sex with won't leave me the fuck alone. After he told me he was married, I said my goodbyes, but he can't seem to take a fucking hint!!!!
He keeps messaging me in every venue he can possibly think of...he even created a facebook in order to reach me. Sad, eh?
Anyway...I think it's time for Jason (my Dom) to step in...I just feel a little foolish because I let things go to far too quickly. I don't know what to do. :( I hope He won't be mad or disappointed in me...I don't think I can take it! :*(
He keeps messaging me in every venue he can possibly think of...he even created a facebook in order to reach me. Sad, eh?
Anyway...I think it's time for Jason (my Dom) to step in...I just feel a little foolish because I let things go to far too quickly. I don't know what to do. :( I hope He won't be mad or disappointed in me...I don't think I can take it! :*(
My feet are killing me! Work was good tonight, except for the dumb ass I was stuck with. I swear, I wanted to slap her so hard!!! Fortunately, she doesn't work tomorrow...so I'll have a nice break from stupidity on the job. :)
On online friend/Dom from Minneapolis and I were talking about how I enjoy this job, because it is kitchen work and as a submissive I really love cleaning and cooking for other people. Then we started talking about how awesome it would be if it were a BDSM pizza place, complete with a play-dungeon in the back. All the subbies would be in the kitchen (as they should be) and a Dom would be hanging out, giving orders. We had a good laugh over it...
The REALLY funny thing is tonight at work, one of the guys saw that I was stocking the bar while some other workers were just standing around. So, he said to me, "That's a good girl..." And I had to catch myself not to say, "Thank you, Sir." LOL!!! Perhaps I'll make it a BDSM pizza place, yet! :P
*sigh* I need to hear that I'm a good girl more often...wow, that sounded pitiful, didn't it? Oh well, it's true. I don't know a submissive that would tell you otherwise, to be frank. We crave that compliment. We want to know we are a good girl to the one we serve. It lets us know we are useful, loved, and that we are pleasing to our Dom...that's what's most important, after all. :)
And it all comes back to this...damn it! How does it always come back to how bad I need a Dom in my life? My OWN Dom! *grrr* I suppose it's because that is the most pressing thing on my mind right now. I feel really lost and frustrated... :(
Fuck this. I'm done for now...if I open this can of worms, I'll never stop this entry.
On online friend/Dom from Minneapolis and I were talking about how I enjoy this job, because it is kitchen work and as a submissive I really love cleaning and cooking for other people. Then we started talking about how awesome it would be if it were a BDSM pizza place, complete with a play-dungeon in the back. All the subbies would be in the kitchen (as they should be) and a Dom would be hanging out, giving orders. We had a good laugh over it...
The REALLY funny thing is tonight at work, one of the guys saw that I was stocking the bar while some other workers were just standing around. So, he said to me, "That's a good girl..." And I had to catch myself not to say, "Thank you, Sir." LOL!!! Perhaps I'll make it a BDSM pizza place, yet! :P
*sigh* I need to hear that I'm a good girl more often...wow, that sounded pitiful, didn't it? Oh well, it's true. I don't know a submissive that would tell you otherwise, to be frank. We crave that compliment. We want to know we are a good girl to the one we serve. It lets us know we are useful, loved, and that we are pleasing to our Dom...that's what's most important, after all. :)
And it all comes back to this...damn it! How does it always come back to how bad I need a Dom in my life? My OWN Dom! *grrr* I suppose it's because that is the most pressing thing on my mind right now. I feel really lost and frustrated... :(
Fuck this. I'm done for now...if I open this can of worms, I'll never stop this entry.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I just got in from my second night on my new job. I like it really well...I just can't stand being around socially retarded dumbasses. Yup.
So...tonight I'm just kicking myself in the ass. I can't believe I gave someone so much power over me so quickly. I was too fast to trust. I hoped too quickly. And what did it get me?
I don't even know how to reach him. I don't even know if I want to reach him. I keep thinking...what if he comes to me, let's say, a month from now...and he has some crazy story about why he couldn't talk to me for so long...would I believe him? I don't know...I can honestly say I really don't know what I would do.
Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing now. I guess I'm just focusing on my work. I'm keeping my ears open and my mouth shut. I'm trying not to think about my personal life...it just hurts too fucking bad.
The bad thing is that when I come home at night, there's nothing to save me from thinking. Everyone at home is sleeping...there's no one to talk to. I'm left with some sad-ass song playing as background music to my even sadder thoughts. That's when the crying starts...it's already started tonight. It will probably last for another hour or so...just crying. Then I'll go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole shitty cycle over again.
Why doesn't he come back and break the monotony again? I had come to depend on him for that...
FUCK HIM. Fuck him for making me feel this way. Even if he DID have a damn good excuse, I don't know if I could get over how he's made me feel for the past two weeks.
*sigh* Only time will tell...and I'm damn impatient!
So...tonight I'm just kicking myself in the ass. I can't believe I gave someone so much power over me so quickly. I was too fast to trust. I hoped too quickly. And what did it get me?
I don't even know how to reach him. I don't even know if I want to reach him. I keep thinking...what if he comes to me, let's say, a month from now...and he has some crazy story about why he couldn't talk to me for so long...would I believe him? I don't know...I can honestly say I really don't know what I would do.
Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing now. I guess I'm just focusing on my work. I'm keeping my ears open and my mouth shut. I'm trying not to think about my personal life...it just hurts too fucking bad.
The bad thing is that when I come home at night, there's nothing to save me from thinking. Everyone at home is sleeping...there's no one to talk to. I'm left with some sad-ass song playing as background music to my even sadder thoughts. That's when the crying starts...it's already started tonight. It will probably last for another hour or so...just crying. Then I'll go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole shitty cycle over again.
Why doesn't he come back and break the monotony again? I had come to depend on him for that...
FUCK HIM. Fuck him for making me feel this way. Even if he DID have a damn good excuse, I don't know if I could get over how he's made me feel for the past two weeks.
*sigh* Only time will tell...and I'm damn impatient!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Unowned
I've determined that being an unowned submissive is probably the worst feeling in the world. For someone who craves ownership and belonging, to not have these things is absolutely tormenting.
The thing is, I have a Dom...and He would probably be quite put-off to hear these feelings. For all intents and purposes, I AM HIS SUBMISSIVE. I belong to Him in that sense...however, it is not the complete sense of belonging I need. He is more of a mentor, a guide, and a friend than anything else. Yes, we have play sessions...but there is no sex. There can't be any sex. He is in a committed relationship with His slave (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and sex is out of the question. Not that I would want to have sex with Him anyway...it wouldn't feel right. That's not what I'm saying...this isn't a bitch session because I have a Dom that I can't have sex with....it's a bitch session because I DON'T have a Dom that I CAN have sex with...
And sex isn't the main issue here. It really isn't. As much as I love sex, and need and crave sex, it's not my greatest need. My greatest need is to be owned and collared by a loving Dominant in a committed relationship...and that's the need that isn't met. I often look in the mirror, and just stew over how bare my neck looks. I want to feel the weight of someone's collar around my neck. I want to be reminded that I'm owned, cherished, loved, and taken care of. I don't have that right now. I don't have the reassurance of being owned in the fullest sense of the word. It doesn't matter that my Dom has power over me...He does NOT own me for all that I am. I feel like half a submissive.....and it makes me positively sick.
However, I wouldn't want to be without Him. Don't mistake me on that. The world of BDSM is not really a kind one, I've found. There are all sorts of sexual predators that hide under a thin disguise of being "Dominant" when really they are just a bunch of perverts there for kicks. They prey on unowned submissives...those are the easiest targets. Someone who wants to be owned...someone who is so eager to please and serve...who could ask for a better target? While wading through all of this bullshit, I feel lucky to have someone to run to. I have a protector if something goes awry. If something goes sour, my Dom is on it...and that is His responsibility. It's very comforting to know I have a safety net when so many others do not. I appreciate Him more than I could EVER say for everything He has done for me.
But He still cannot give me all that I need. So, I'm on the hunt...and it's the most frustrating search I've ever had to make. Bless my Dom for helping me in this search! Yes, you heard correctly: He is helping me find someone else. However, the search still really sucks. You think the dating scene is frustrating? Try looking for a sensible Dom! I've found that the more restrictions you place on what you want in a future partner, the harder it is to find them. Looking for a true-hearted and trustworthy Dom is no easy task.
The annoying this is that I keep being told that a submissive like me never stays unowned for long. Various Dominants that I have talked to (that are WONDERFUL, but for one reason or another, not right for me) keep saying that I have to be patient, because it won't be long. Well, perhaps it wouldn't be long if I could stop getting caught up in the bullshit. I keep thinking that I've found someone really worthwhile...then they turn out to be full of it. SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING.
*sigh* I'm done with this for now...the more I dwell on it, the more depressed I feel. One more thing, though...if you've made it this far, and you are confused or anything, check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominance_and_submission
It's not perfect, but it will give you a better idea on things...if you are even interested.
The thing is, I have a Dom...and He would probably be quite put-off to hear these feelings. For all intents and purposes, I AM HIS SUBMISSIVE. I belong to Him in that sense...however, it is not the complete sense of belonging I need. He is more of a mentor, a guide, and a friend than anything else. Yes, we have play sessions...but there is no sex. There can't be any sex. He is in a committed relationship with His slave (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and sex is out of the question. Not that I would want to have sex with Him anyway...it wouldn't feel right. That's not what I'm saying...this isn't a bitch session because I have a Dom that I can't have sex with....it's a bitch session because I DON'T have a Dom that I CAN have sex with...
And sex isn't the main issue here. It really isn't. As much as I love sex, and need and crave sex, it's not my greatest need. My greatest need is to be owned and collared by a loving Dominant in a committed relationship...and that's the need that isn't met. I often look in the mirror, and just stew over how bare my neck looks. I want to feel the weight of someone's collar around my neck. I want to be reminded that I'm owned, cherished, loved, and taken care of. I don't have that right now. I don't have the reassurance of being owned in the fullest sense of the word. It doesn't matter that my Dom has power over me...He does NOT own me for all that I am. I feel like half a submissive.....and it makes me positively sick.
However, I wouldn't want to be without Him. Don't mistake me on that. The world of BDSM is not really a kind one, I've found. There are all sorts of sexual predators that hide under a thin disguise of being "Dominant" when really they are just a bunch of perverts there for kicks. They prey on unowned submissives...those are the easiest targets. Someone who wants to be owned...someone who is so eager to please and serve...who could ask for a better target? While wading through all of this bullshit, I feel lucky to have someone to run to. I have a protector if something goes awry. If something goes sour, my Dom is on it...and that is His responsibility. It's very comforting to know I have a safety net when so many others do not. I appreciate Him more than I could EVER say for everything He has done for me.
But He still cannot give me all that I need. So, I'm on the hunt...and it's the most frustrating search I've ever had to make. Bless my Dom for helping me in this search! Yes, you heard correctly: He is helping me find someone else. However, the search still really sucks. You think the dating scene is frustrating? Try looking for a sensible Dom! I've found that the more restrictions you place on what you want in a future partner, the harder it is to find them. Looking for a true-hearted and trustworthy Dom is no easy task.
The annoying this is that I keep being told that a submissive like me never stays unowned for long. Various Dominants that I have talked to (that are WONDERFUL, but for one reason or another, not right for me) keep saying that I have to be patient, because it won't be long. Well, perhaps it wouldn't be long if I could stop getting caught up in the bullshit. I keep thinking that I've found someone really worthwhile...then they turn out to be full of it. SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING.
*sigh* I'm done with this for now...the more I dwell on it, the more depressed I feel. One more thing, though...if you've made it this far, and you are confused or anything, check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominance_and_submission
It's not perfect, but it will give you a better idea on things...if you are even interested.
First Entry...Might As Well Dive In!
Extreme loneliness + extreme boredom + making an ass of yourself + being on your period =
A steady stream of crying that won't seem to stop...
I can't stop crying, and it's getting rather annoying. My glasses are getting all speckled and gross. My eyes are getting puffy and itchy. I'll hate myself in the morning, when they are all swollen and red.
God, nobody knows how much I cry. It's on an almost daily basis. I can't help it...I have to have some form of release or I'd blow up. Hopefully this blog will become another form of release, and I won't have to cry as much.
Loneliness...it's because he hasn't talked to me in almost two weeks. Friday will make two weeks, to be exact. I have no fucking clue where he went, or what happened...but he isn't interested in talking to me, I suppose.
Boredom...fuck this town. I hate being home. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Kill me, please.
How did I make an ass of myself? Why not take the plunge? Having phone sex with a guy I've known for two days only to find out he was married definitely wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Refer to "loneliness" if you want a clue as to why I did it in the first place. Maybe if he had talked to me, I wouldn't feel so fucking desperate. I hate being that way...so damn needy. But it's just where I am right now. I'll have to deal.
Being on my period...well, enough said, don't you think?
Anyway...if you made it this far: you are one brave soul.
I hope I didn't scare you off...that is, if anyone even reads this damn thing.
A steady stream of crying that won't seem to stop...
I can't stop crying, and it's getting rather annoying. My glasses are getting all speckled and gross. My eyes are getting puffy and itchy. I'll hate myself in the morning, when they are all swollen and red.
God, nobody knows how much I cry. It's on an almost daily basis. I can't help it...I have to have some form of release or I'd blow up. Hopefully this blog will become another form of release, and I won't have to cry as much.
Loneliness...it's because he hasn't talked to me in almost two weeks. Friday will make two weeks, to be exact. I have no fucking clue where he went, or what happened...but he isn't interested in talking to me, I suppose.
Boredom...fuck this town. I hate being home. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Kill me, please.
How did I make an ass of myself? Why not take the plunge? Having phone sex with a guy I've known for two days only to find out he was married definitely wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Refer to "loneliness" if you want a clue as to why I did it in the first place. Maybe if he had talked to me, I wouldn't feel so fucking desperate. I hate being that way...so damn needy. But it's just where I am right now. I'll have to deal.
Being on my period...well, enough said, don't you think?
Anyway...if you made it this far: you are one brave soul.
I hope I didn't scare you off...that is, if anyone even reads this damn thing.
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