My Many Masters

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other..." Matthew 6:24

Leave it to me to bring the Bible into this. I already have enough problems without having to think about my feelings regarding Christianity or God. However, this verse intrigues me.

I serve many masters, really...though, they don't all go by that name. There is Master, of course. I think it is safe to say that He harbors the most control over me...I will drop everything and make excuses from here to the end of time in order to cater to what Master wants from me.

Then there is Jason, my Dom. We spoke very briefly today...He said He missed me, and I had to seriously choke back all the angry word vomit I wanted to spew at Him.

Then there is Spencer...he is only a friend that I've been talking to. He's a very decent person, and I love talking to him...but our conversations have grown more personal and much more sexual. We've discussed certain fantasies, and tomorrow I'm going to act on one...he requested a picture of it, and I complied. That happened out of NOWHERE.

I've just started to pursue someone else, as well...we are only starting to get to know each other...but I feel he is important to mention, just so you can get a sense of how many ways I'm being split.

It's exhausting! I have to make up excuses...work out the time of when I'm supposedly "sleeping" so I can talk to one man when another thinks I've gone to bed...that sort of thing. My mom calls it robbing Peter to pay Paul. That's exactly what I'm doing...by trying to serve more than one master, I've done NONE of them justice...

Yet, when I lay down at night, I'm alone. And who do I think of? Oh, very good...you guessed it! Even though I said my goodbyes without a word in response, I still think of him. Master wants me to imagine myself in His arms as I sleep...I try, but I'm so troubled by how things played out with him that I often cannot imagine being in Master's arms. I know He is puzzled when I tell Him I sleep poorly. He wonders why...He has NO idea that so many others are on my mind, at all times. He thinks I'm such a good girl.

I want to be a good girl, but maybe I'm not....maybe I'm just a bitch that really needs to feel like she's being put in her place. I need control so badly that I'm growing more willing to accept it from whoever is willing to exert it over me. I know this puts me in a precarious position...but with the way things are going in my life in general, I don't care what happens to me.

Anyway...I guess the point of this entry is that I have NO idea what I want, and so I'm spreading myself everywhere. I'm spreading myself so terribly thin. I'm serving more than one Master...and instead of loving just one, I'm growing to hate them all. And not ONE really did anything to me....then again, I hate a lot of people these days. People can fuck off and die...just as a general rule.

*sigh* I need out of here.