God, I Wish HE Was Dead....

I fucking hate my father. I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!

It would give me no greater satisfaction in this world than to see him die. I want to watch him suffer...perhaps a heart attack. I want him to writhe in pain and die in front of me while I watch with glee.

Yes, I hate him that fucking badly. And I really don't care what people think about it. Some people might think I sound like a crazy, angry bitch...maybe they think I should have better control of my emotions.

Well, fuck them. Yup. Because I want him to die. He deserves it, and the people who would think badly of me for saying that don't know him very well. They don't know all the shit he's put me through. They don't know about all the times that he spanked me for no reason. How he spanked me until I had hand-print bruises on my ass. How he fucking spanked me until I pissed on myself...and how he did it on purpose to humiliate me. All of this when I was just a child...as I got older, he took to slapping my face, or hitting me with whatever was within his reach with where ever he could find an open spot on me to hit...

Being home brings all these memories back to the surface. With every fucking word he says to me, I get more and more sick. He is like a poison that runs through my veins, and I can't fucking stand it anymore.

And, once again, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't have a friend with a strong enough stomach, I suppose. People want me to cheer up...to try to be happy. Fuck that shit. I'd like to see someone be happy in a home where they have to live with the fucker that systematically abused them physically and verbally all of their life. How would they like it to live with their abuser, but to have to pretend like nothing ever fucking happened?????

God, it's times like this that I seriously want to die. He overwhelms me with so much anger and sadness and frustration that death seems to be the only viable escape from all of this shit. But I can't tell anyone THAT either...people tend to get very uncomfortable when you mention you feel like dying. That you WANT to die...once again, what weak-stomached friends I have...God, love them anyway.

Fuck...I need to get out of here. I just need someone to love me unconditionally and who can take me away from this. I wish I had someone to help me right now...

Fuck Fuck Fuck....I have to stop this shit and get ready for work now. I don't want to go in red-faced and obviously recovering from crying...