Why Can't I Give Up The Goddamned Ghost?!

I don't know why he still crosses my mind, even though things obviously will not work out. Even if, by some snowball's chance in hell, he came to me with some unbelievably good excuse, I don't think I could buy it. I don't think there IS an excuse for what he put me through. And to think he had the fucking nerve to be worried about whether or not I would "cheat on" him. We were never even dating! He was the one making all sorts of promises and shit...he was the one "afraid of getting hurt" and the HE was the one who fucking DROPPED ME! The last thing he said to me was that he was going to the doctor again because he wasn't feeling well...and that's it. For all I know, he's fucking dead. (Even though he's NOT...because he was online since that time, he just didn't have the decency to let me know what the fucking hell was going on).

I'm just still really angry, you know? And I can't seem to get over how badly I was played...I haven't let that happen to me in a LONG damn time...I guess that's what I get for letting my guard down.

The trouble is, Master WANTS my guard down...and I'm finding it very hard to comply with His request. I might as well go ahead and spill that I'm VERY much into erotic hypnotism...and Master has hypnotized me several times. Today, however, He told me that He could tell I was not letting go fully. He wanted to know why...I told Him I didn't know. Let's just hope He couldn't tell I was lying...I didn't want to admit that I was still fretting over some jackass that decided to ignore me out of the blue...SHIT!!!!

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with Master. He has already talked about seeing me when I go back to school...which would be past the 90 day time period. He watched me sleeping today, and told me I looked like a princess....I just don't know how to handle this shit. No one has ever talked to me the way Master does...and with such sincerity! I almost want to laugh, because it feels so ridiculous that someone would actually WANT to treat me well. I can't make things work with Master, though...there's too much in the way. And I'm not going into all that shit...I just don't even want to think about it.

I'm scared of Master's feelings for me. He has already started telling me He loves me. Poor Dear. He has no idea that I'm going to crush Him. He doesn't know that I'm planning to walk away from all of this. I'm afraid to tell Him out of purely selfish reasons. I need someone in my life right now that actually gives a shit about me. If He knew that I could never bring myself to care about Him the way He wants me to, He wouldn't bother with me. I know it's that simple, therefore I'm keeping my mouth shut at the moment.

I don't know...He could take care of me. He could give me a home in a place I've always wanted to visit...living there would be awesome. :) I fucking hate school. I hate home. I'm growing to hate everything about this place and this whole state. Maybe I could just runway and be His slave...no one would even know where to find me.

Yeah, that sounds pretty enticing right now...