Heartache: Some Things Never Seem To Change

God, I'm so fucking hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He hasn't spoken to me since May 1st...and hasn't even been online since May 7th. I don't understand what could have happened. I've been trying to ignore it. I've been waiting to see if he would come back, with some crazy good excuse as to why he hasn't spoken to me in so long. But, he hasn't.

So, today I sent him what will probably be the last message I ever send him. It was a goodbye message. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. I had put so much trust in him. And he crushed it all. Silently crushed every last bit of it. He didn't even have to say a word...it was what he didn't say. It was how long he waited to say anything.

I should probably feel like he was a loser, and that I was too good for him. You know, something like that in order to help me get over it. But I can't find it in myself to believe that. He seemed so perfect. I felt like I had found someone that had real potential as a friend, Dom, and lover. But, no. Yet again, I find myself coming up short.

This always happens to me...people lead me on. They hurt me. I'm trying desperately not to become a jaded bitch that does the same to other helpless people...but the idea of that is growing more and more appealing. I want someone to feel as bad as I do. I want someone to have to share this pain.

*sigh* The sad thing is, I feel like I don't have any options. Yes, Master is quite good to me. He makes me happy...but a relationship with Him is not practical for various reasons. I'm planning on walking---no, skipping away after 90 days. I'm going to break His heart in half. He will feel it in every pore of His body...the pain will radiate through Him. I know He didn't do anything to deserve it...but neither did I. And right now, I think hurting an innocent person is the only way I could feel better. Who knows if it will actually work or not?

Will I ever find a suitable Dom? Someone who will give me direction in my life? Someone I can share my life with? I am so desperate to feel controlled that I'm looking anywhere to get it. I'm lowering myself and my standards in order to feel controlled. It's a very addictive drug. I can't explain it. I wish I could. Perhaps if I could understand this need better, I could defeat it.

Oh, yeah: Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For someone who is supposedly my "Dom," He doesn't seem to give a shit about me. I can't remember the last time we spoke...

Why don't people care about me? I'm so tired of pouring out my love and getting none in return. I feel like a sponge that has been squeezed to the very last drop. I have nothing left to give anyone anymore. Until I start feeling loved by others, I can't find it in my heart to love ANYONE.