Grin and Bare It

I have now appeared naked to Master. I feel very good about it. It feels good to have surrendered my mind and body to another person. It's a huge risk, but the payoff is amazing. I don't have to worry about consequences. It's Master's job to worry about the consequences of my actions. My body and mind belong to Him...it feels fabulous!

Still, in the back of my mind, I have so many fears and worries. I worry about what other people would think. I worry about Jason. I fear that I am getting sucked deeper into Master, and I won't be able to walk away so easily after 90 days...

I don't know...I'm going to try to live my life one day at a time. Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. If Master makes me happy, how bad could it really be? He relaxes me...He helps me sleep at night...He gives me such amazing release.

He actually cares about me! For ME!!! I don't feel like anyone else has ever done that. I must admit that I have a basic mistrust of almost everyone, and so I asked Him, "Master, why do you even care about me?" I wasn't trying to hear an answer to puff up my self worth...I truly wanted to know. He answered that He found me intriguing, interesting, intelligent, and exciting. That I turn Him on...not just physically, but mentally.

I need to know that. I need to know that I have some worth and use in relation to another person. And no one else ever lets me know. Everyone else insists on badgering me for their own amusement. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm the butt of everyone's jokes. No one can be serious with me, even though I crave sincerity. I want to know that I'm loved and useful to the people that I share my life with, friends and otherwise...yet no one can seem to find it in their hearts to tell me.

But Master does. He tells me exactly how He feels about me, and hides nothing. And I do the same for him. I need more people like that in my life...but I don't know how to get them. I don't know where to find them. Whenever I am open with friends who give me a hard time, I feel like they dismiss my feelings. I know they are only joking, but after awhile it really starts to hurt. I wonder if they even know that.

I've been told that I shouldn't care what others think, that my worth should be self-based. Yes, of course I know that...but whenever everyone is telling you that you are stupid, an idiot, untalented, even crazy...how am I supposed to believe anything I would LIKE to think is true about myself? It seems to me that it is a cruel contradiction for the people who tell you to find self-worth to be the same people who constantly cut you down. I don't understand why they do it. The only thing that makes that scenario something I can handle is that I give them the benefit of the doubt...I tell myself they must not know how they hurt me. However, it's getting harder to tell myself that, especially when I DO tell people when they hurt me, and they seem to shrug it off.

*sigh* This went from being happy about Master to being extremely depressed about everyone else in my life. I'd better stop now...I've made myself cry thinking about all this shit, and I have to leave for work very shortly. God...I think it's going to be a long night. :(