Yes, Master...

Someone has taken control of me for a trial period of 90 days. He is offering long-distance slave training.

Am I an idiot for accepting?

I like Him a great deal...He is mentally stimulating. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other people I've met via the Internet.

I'm afraid of the control I've already given Him. I've come to refer to Him as Master. I don't think Jason (my Dom) would be very pleased that I've accepted a Master without telling Him...

Jason has always said that His collar is open to me forever, and if I want to pursue someone else, He should be happy for me...but He wishes to know.

Yet, I haven't told Him.

I'm a terrible fucking subbie. Yup.

So, I have no clue why I've accepted slave training. I'll probably make a far worse slave. Oh, I hope not... :-/

I guess I'm just hurt. SO FUCKING HURT!!! And very, very lonely. So, someone comes along and wants to understand every part of me. He wants to know what makes me tick...what is so wrong with that?

I know because I'm trying so hard to justify it, that there MUST be something BAD WRONG with this whole ordeal...but I'm so desperate to feel a deep sense of control and power over me that I don't fucking care anymore. I just want to be controlled. I want my will to be broken, and I want to be rendered helpless by someone that can love me.

This probably sounds CRAZY to whoever the hell reads this...but I don't think I care. Anyway..."Only Master and I matter." Ah, the mantra of a slave...if only I could convince my mind that what my body and emotions are feeling is true. Perhaps then I would be at peace.