Unowned

I've determined that being an unowned submissive is probably the worst feeling in the world. For someone who craves ownership and belonging, to not have these things is absolutely tormenting.

The thing is, I have a Dom...and He would probably be quite put-off to hear these feelings. For all intents and purposes, I AM HIS SUBMISSIVE. I belong to Him in that sense...however, it is not the complete sense of belonging I need. He is more of a mentor, a guide, and a friend than anything else. Yes, we have play sessions...but there is no sex. There can't be any sex. He is in a committed relationship with His slave (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and sex is out of the question. Not that I would want to have sex with Him anyway...it wouldn't feel right. That's not what I'm saying...this isn't a bitch session because I have a Dom that I can't have sex with....it's a bitch session because I DON'T have a Dom that I CAN have sex with...

And sex isn't the main issue here. It really isn't. As much as I love sex, and need and crave sex, it's not my greatest need. My greatest need is to be owned and collared by a loving Dominant in a committed relationship...and that's the need that isn't met. I often look in the mirror, and just stew over how bare my neck looks. I want to feel the weight of someone's collar around my neck. I want to be reminded that I'm owned, cherished, loved, and taken care of. I don't have that right now. I don't have the reassurance of being owned in the fullest sense of the word. It doesn't matter that my Dom has power over me...He does NOT own me for all that I am. I feel like half a submissive.....and it makes me positively sick.

However, I wouldn't want to be without Him. Don't mistake me on that. The world of BDSM is not really a kind one, I've found. There are all sorts of sexual predators that hide under a thin disguise of being "Dominant" when really they are just a bunch of perverts there for kicks. They prey on unowned submissives...those are the easiest targets. Someone who wants to be owned...someone who is so eager to please and serve...who could ask for a better target? While wading through all of this bullshit, I feel lucky to have someone to run to. I have a protector if something goes awry. If something goes sour, my Dom is on it...and that is His responsibility. It's very comforting to know I have a safety net when so many others do not. I appreciate Him more than I could EVER say for everything He has done for me.

But He still cannot give me all that I need. So, I'm on the hunt...and it's the most frustrating search I've ever had to make. Bless my Dom for helping me in this search! Yes, you heard correctly: He is helping me find someone else. However, the search still really sucks. You think the dating scene is frustrating? Try looking for a sensible Dom! I've found that the more restrictions you place on what you want in a future partner, the harder it is to find them. Looking for a true-hearted and trustworthy Dom is no easy task.

The annoying this is that I keep being told that a submissive like me never stays unowned for long. Various Dominants that I have talked to (that are WONDERFUL, but for one reason or another, not right for me) keep saying that I have to be patient, because it won't be long. Well, perhaps it wouldn't be long if I could stop getting caught up in the bullshit. I keep thinking that I've found someone really worthwhile...then they turn out to be full of it. SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING.

*sigh* I'm done with this for now...the more I dwell on it, the more depressed I feel. One more thing, though...if you've made it this far, and you are confused or anything, check this out:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominance_and_submission

It's not perfect, but it will give you a better idea on things...if you are even interested.