'Tis The Season...Of My Depression

I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I was there for awhile, I think...but I've taken a turn for the worse. I just feel so fucking bad. UGH. I can't even explain it right now. I'm restless and unhappy and I have far too much on my mind.

I saw Jason today. He came into work and it was so slow that we were able to talk for a little while. He wants me to live with him and Leslie. Is that what I want? I don't know. I don't know where I want to be anymore, or who I want to be with. Maybe nowhere and nobody. Shit...don't I sound like the fucking commercials right about now? Anyway...I don't know...Jason could look after me. I do feel safe with him, at least. And I enjoy the time we spend together...but I just don't know how much good can come out of my relationship with Jason and Leslie. At the end of the day, she's going to be his wife and I'm just going to be the person they both happen to fuck. Not that I would want to be his wife anyway...or would I? See...that's how crazy I am...I actually ponder dumb ass shit like that because I'm that desperate for companionship and validation. It's like a drug. It makes me feel ok. It makes me feel good and secure. And I need it in order to not fall apart. I have to have someone's love. I just have to.

Speaking of falling apart: knowing that James is going to leave is absolutely killing me. I know it's seven months away. I know everything happens for a reason. I know that if we are good enough friends, we'll stay that way no matter what. I KNOW! It doesn't keep me from being sad about it. Actually, I haven't gotten to the point where I can talk about it for any length of time without crying. *sigh* I hate being such a pussy sometimes. I don't want to make him feel bad at all. I know that's so selfish of me. I want him to be happy and prosper, etc, etc. But he is just such a good friend to me that I can't imagine daily life without him. I've grown so close to him that I haven't really cultivated my friendships with other people. And that's not his fault at all...I've always been perfectly content with having fewer, but closer friends. But as it turns out, he's the best thing I've got here. When he leaves, what is there to stay for? Jason and Leslie? That's what'll end up happening. He'll leave and I'll have nobody, so I'll settle for them. And then our friendship will probably really fall apart. He keeps getting these letters in the mail from MSU's music department, and I just want to cry each time one comes. I'll hate to say goodbye to him. :(

*sigh* Ok, ok...I've got to stop dwelling on that for now. I don't feel like being upset. In other news: I've met yet another Internet prospect. Yay, me? This one seems pretty promising. He's a 29 year old journalist who is simply adorable. He's one of those ever-elusive fabulous straight men. I really enjoy talking to him, and I just love his voice...and his manner of expression. I can't describe it...he's just a really interesting person and I'm definitely interested in him. He has family in Ashland, so he'll be there a couple of days for Christmas. He and I briefly pondered meeting each other, but decided against it. I'll barely have enough family time as is, and he's in the same boat. At any rate, I'm pretty excited about him. I can't help it. I'm a ninny that always gets her hopes up at the smallest thing. A lonely, pitiful ninny.

I need to find my calling. I need to find something here that will make me happy. Something a little more concrete. And if I can't find it: I need to get the hell out of here.

I just don't know what I'm going to do... but I don't feel like doing a damn thing anymore.

Back In The Saddle Again...

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Here's One For Your Carbon Copy File... :)

Dearest James,

You are truly my best friend. I don't normally like to play favorites, and I certainly don't want all of this to go to your head, but it's true. :P I couldn't ask for a better person to share such a strong friendship with, and I'm very thankful for you.


I'm positive that fate has had a lot to do with us being in each other's lives. The times that we could have met through the years, the fact that we lived so close to each other and never even knew it...those things never fail to amaze me. I'm certain there is an unknown reason why our paths could not cross sooner, but I'm just glad that they crossed when they did. I know that I'm quite wary of God and everything...but I'm pretty sure that it was in His plan that the two of us become friends. I know you've enriched my life, and I only hope I've done the same for yours.



You are an incredibly talented, thoughtful, and caring person. I know that you have different ways of showing you care and I know that we tend to bicker...but in spite of all that, I know you care and you have a loving heart. If I started to name off all the things you've done for me, this would just turn into a list of your good deeds and I would run out of time and space to say all that I want to say to you. Instead, I'll just hope you know how thankful I am each time you do something for me. I'm blessed to have a friend with a generous heart.



I want to do everything I can to continue being your friend. We have been through so much together in such a short amount of time, that I'm excited to see what the future of our friendship holds. I hope that even when we have to part ways, we won't part with the friendship that we've found in each other. It means too much to me to think about not having it anymore, and I hope you feel the same.



Today, on your birthday, I hope you know all that you mean to me. I hope you feel about our friendship the way that I do. I wish that I had more that I could give you, or do, or say so that you would have no doubt about how much I love you. I guess the most I can do is just to keep being your friend. After all, as Henry David Thoreau said, "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"



Thank you for showing me what divine friendship is all about. I love you so much!



-Jess <3

These Days I Stay Confused...

I'm getting really tired of having so many mixed emotions. I'm still on my period, so that could have a great deal to do with it. Yet, I'm always an emotional person...so I doubt very seriously that when I get off my period I'll suddenly have a revelation about how I feel about every person in my life.

Ahreona. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Why can't I stop thinking about her? It makes me mad at this point. I really just want to count her among my mistakes and move on, but I can't. When I saw that she had converted our couple's profile into a profile for herself, which basically was asking for a booty call...oh god! It just pissed me off to no end! I don't understand. Ok...it's not as if I want her to sit around and mope after me. And I certainly don't expect her to remain abstinent or some shit like that. But I can't believe she's ready to start chasing ass again only a few days after she discovered we were through...ugh. I don't know. It just really hurts me, and I can't explain why. Is it because it makes the time we were together meaningless, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting time? Or is it because I still harbor feelings for her? It could be both, to be entirely honest. I miss her a lot. The other night when I was so upset and crying, I just wanted to talk to her. I can't explain why...I just wanted so badly to call her and cry it out. I refrained, of course...but it still bothers me a great deal that when I was the most upset, it was my honest desire to talk to HER.

Then there's Jason. LOL! God...how many fucking Dominants am I going to have? I just don't know about this whole situation. He's still chasing after me to be his slave...and it's not really what I want. I DO want sex; that's true. And I want kinky sex with a D/s element. So, it makes the offer really tempting. Why would it be such a bad thing to have sex with him? He said that he realizes that I'm actively looking for another type of arrangement and other people, so it wouldn't be a big deal that I would be looking while serving him. I don't know...maybe I could tell him that I don't really want to serve as his slave, but I'd be willing to loosen my limits a bit? I just don't know.

I guess I just need somebody. It's the way I'm wired up...I hate it, but I'm realistic and I know it's true. I also know that I'm weak and will probably end up giving into what Jason wants, or trying to crawl back to Ahreona in the coming weeks (possibly days) if I don't find someone or something that can satisfy at least part of my needs.

I need kinky sex. And I need someone to love me, too...

But for right now, kinky sex will do nicely.

WTF?

Rick Clancy is online?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Fucking HATE Periods!

I'm about to go insane. I honestly don't feel as if I'm being too sensitive about anything, but at the same time I am open to the idea that I probably am a hormonal mess. It's just frustrating when I know my emotions are going crazy but I can't really make the connection to my period in order to desensitize myself.


I hate that my emotions control me. I stayed up and cried for a good while last night and lost a lot of quality sleep because I can't control how I feel about things. Being on my period just makes it worse.

I definitely need to go to the gynecologist after this period is over. I can't handle this shit every month.

I'm hoping that I cried a little bit of the crazy out last night, so I can function a little better today. I don't like being a ticking time bomb for an emotional explosion.

PS: These cramps are murder. They fucking blow!

If Guilt Could Kill...

...I'd be dead. I'd be fucking dead!

Today I could barely look at anything or listen to anything or...I don't know...FUNCTION without thinking about her.

I wonder if I made a horrible mistake. I think I may have. After all...she was never anything but loving. She had quite a jealous streak, and sometimes she had trouble expressing emotions without expressing them through anger, but don't we all have our flaws? Don't we all have our little quirks?

I think I'm going to be alone forever. I can't do anything right. That's evident from the way I let a perfectly good person slip away. I fucked it up. I honestly don't believe she did anything. Even things that could POSSIBLY be viewed as things she did are really rooted in MY behavior. The only thing I can think of right now is that she moved too fast...but I LET HER DO THAT! It's my fault.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get over her. I have a feeling I'm going to be dwelling on this for a long damn time.

I wish things could get back to the way they were. The trouble is, I'm not sure how far back I'd take them. Maybe I'd take them back to when she and I first met. Then, I wouldn't have even dated her. I wouldn't have hurt her so badly.

That's the thing that is killing me. I know she's hurting. I know she genuinely believed that I was a perfect fit for her, and now I've just flown the coop.

God, I'm terrible. Simply fucking terrible. And it's not as if I'm saying that to win attention from somebody or because I love pity parties. No, I really believe it. I don't know how to stop believing it, either.

Please, Lord in heaven, help me! Dear God, I need help getting over this.

I just need guidance on the right thing to do. The thing is, at this point I'd have to tell a ton of lies to even have her back...and I can't keep living like that. I may not have anything right now...but at least I'm not telling 100 lies a day in order to make it by. At least I'm not living on the phone.

God, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I know I don't make any sense at all.

I just want to shoot my face off...oh, God...she used to say that about things that annoyed her. HA! I don't think I can shake her so easily.

I'm off now, probably to cry... though I'm trying my hardest not to. UGH! :(

I'm NOT Leaving On A Jet Plane

In about an hour is when that plane will be taking off...and I won't be on it.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I could really, seriously puke right now from guilt, nervousness, and just a variety of shit.

Amanda told me to sleep on it...just to get a really good night's sleep and see how I felt about it in the morning. Well...I don't feel any differently. I still feel guilty. I still want to make things right.

I kinda wish that I were a Christian so I could pray to God and receive the correct answer on what to do. I know that He would have the correct response before anybody.

Today I looked through her Facebook pictures and just cried. I miss her. I really do.

But, is she good for me? Would it really have worked? I just don't know.

I feel so helpless. So hopeless, helpless, and fucking sick.

It's Me Again...

I can't fucking sleep!

I just thought to myself, "I wish I had someone who would talk to me until I went to sleep..."

Then, it dawned on me that I HAD someone...but I fucked that up.

I know my weakness is showing, but I want someone so much. I just need someone to be with me right now.

Being alone is pure hell for me. It always has been.

FUCK!

Ok...round two of trying to sleep.

Good night.

How Low Can I Go? (Apparently Pretty Damn Low...)

I have never felt this low in my entire life. I have only one person that I can fully talk to about all of this shit, and I feel like I've almost exhausted that resource. Maybe it's just the depression talking...I hope so, anyway.

I'm having trouble deciding if I have this desire to fix my relationship with Ahreona because I feel obligated to her and really guilty about hurting her, or if it's because I love her and want to try to forge some future with her. I honestly don't know the answer right now.

I really thought that I loved her, but now I'm not so sure. I guess it could have been that it felt nice to think someone cared about me, and I let some really unhealthy shit persist in order to keep feeling that feeling.

I hate that he was right about all of this. I fucking hate that more than anything, I think. I just hate feeling so foolish.

I can't sleep anymore. I haven't slept REALLY well in a long time. I think guilt can keep a person awake and restless. I wish I could just erase all memory of her, and how I royally fucked her over...but I don't think I can.

I wish so much...but wishing doesn't really fucking matter at this point.

I'm so tired. So damn tired...I just want to lie down and never get back up. I don't have the desire to do one fucking thing for myself. I hate school, I hate life...I'm broke...no job. Nothing.

What do I have to be happy about? And I REALLY don't want to hear the whole "you can walk and talk" argument...because there are plenty of people out there who can walk and talk. That's not enough. Yes, I'm blessed that I'm not mute or disabled...but at the same time: if all I can find to be happy about is that I can walk and talk, then that's really fucking pathetic.

I can feel all the negative thoughts of my depression swallowing my brain up. It's a really strange feeling. I hear all of these crazy thoughts that I have like, "why would anyone ever love me?" "why can't I be happy?" etc, etc. I hear them, and feel them sucking me of all my energy.

I'm failing my classes. Like, all of them. I'm pretty sure. Maybe not piano, yet...but that's one credit hour. One fucking credit hour. Woo-hoo.

Maybe I should find some padded walls to cozy up with, because I'm really fucking disgustedly tired of trying in this life.

Cloud Of Confusion

I've never been this confused in my entire life. About anything! I know I usually love being dramatic, but you have to believe me on this one: this is my real reaction and I'm totally...confused! That seems to be the only word I can use to describe the situation.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. Ahreona makes me happy. She truly does. However, there are things she does that I really don't like. I don't like how she tries to cut me off from James. He was here first, here longer, and has been there for me for some really unpleasant moments of my life. He's been nothing but a dear friend through the worst of times, and I'm not about to cut him out for her. I may tell her that "I'd do anything" for her...but I'm not going to do that.

*Sigh* James. I just don't know anymore. The feelings I have for him are totally confusing (again with that word). I mean, I've always found him attractive, and I adore his personality. We mesh together very nicely. But I never allowed myself to feel anything more than a deep bond of friendship because...well, what would have been the point? Now I just don't know anymore...I guess he is confused, too. I would like to explore our mutual curiosity, but I'm just not sure. Ok, let's be honest and put it this way: I want to explore, but I feel so guilty for what I'm doing to Ahreona. I thought about telling her I need a break...but I'm not sure which would hurt worse: putting her on hold, or continuing to kill her trust. However, I've done other things that she certainly wouldn't approve of. Things that I didn't even want to do, but I was too afraid to put a stop to. If I'm willing to let Jason walk all over me and continue to harass me about something I don't want, why the hell should I feel so guilty about exploring my confusing feelings with my best friend? I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what I should do. I guess I'm just going to go along with whatever happens. I know that I love James, but I don't' know how I love him anymore. That's absolutely frightening to me. It's not as if I'm allowing him to use me for a general exploration of women because he's curious. There are real feelings involved here (at least for me, I guess for him, too), and real feelings have always terrified me. I'm always afraid of getting hurt. At least I know we'll always be friends. That makes me feel a lot more at ease. I can't stand the thought of him not being in my life at all.

Hmm...maybe I shouldn't have given him the name of my "secret blog." It does make me a little hesitant when I want to write things that involve him. Hahaha...oh, well. It's nothing that he doesn't already know, I guess. He knows me too well.

I love you, honey. :)

Depressed...Again. Are You Really Surprised?

I'm deeply depressed right now. I'm not exactly sure why...it just sort of hit me.

I think it's mainly stress. There's just too much shit going on right now, and I don't really care enough to take necessary action to fix my problems. So, they just keep getting bigger. I keep going deeper and deeper into this fucking hole I've fallen into, and I don't know how to get out.

I just want to get drunk. Really, really fucking drunk.

But I guess I won't. Damn it.

Kameron Hardin Kiss Of Death

This has never happened before...

He has always told me that anytime I needed to talk to him, he'd be there for me.

Last night, when I wanted to talk to him about our friendship, of all things, he wouldn't talk to me.

I think the Kiss of Death has already started to work its evil. I'm pretty certain at this point that he's beginning to hate me.

I'm so hurt! Fuck! I don't want us to bicker constantly and always be down each other's throats. I feel like that's all we do anymore. I wanted to work things out and just talk last night, but I feel like I can never get him to open up and be honest about everything that bothers him. I'd rather him be brutally honest rather than allow things to go on without comment, when they might be harmful to our friendship.

I really just want to be stubborn now...I don't want to talk to him at all because I'm so hurt. Yet, there's still a stupid little part of me that wants to talk and try to work things out. I'm just scared that he'll shut me down again, so I'm not even sure that I'm going to bring it up.

I'm so fucking tired of this. UGH! :(

I Just Wanna Get Royally Fucked Up Right Now...

I always feel this way when I argue with someone. I hate that it even turned into an argument, you know? I didn't know it was going down that path, and I certainly wasn't trying to be a bitch.

The truth is, we've been bickering a lot lately, and I'm started to feel like the Kameron Hardin Kiss of Death is coming true. He said that we would start hating each other if we lived together...and I'm so scared that will happen. I feel like he hates me most of the time. And I just get so frustrated with this constant bickering shit.

Maybe it's all my fault. It probably is. I know that I'm a lot for anyone to deal with. I'm totally depressed and melancholy pretty much 98% of the time and I'm ultra sensitive to even the slightest remark. However, I don't understand why he picks at me all the time. I know it's just his way of playing with me...but I don't like to play like that all the time. I wish my dad had never done that shit to me all the time, maybe then I would know how to take a joke.

I feel so absolutely hopeless. There's very little that keeps me from hopping on a bus, going to a secluded alley, and killing myself. I just feel like I'm a burden, even to myself. I get up, look in the mirror, and think, "Oh, you again. Fuck."

What is keeping me from killing myself? My mother, for sure. The poor woman needs me. James too, even though we argue. Though, it's more because he has said that he would be so mad at me...isn't that said? I'm still trying to be a people pleaser in the face of possibly offing myself. Splendid.

Then there's Ahreona. She keeps me going. And I don't care what anyone thinks...she's good for me right now. Even if it doesn't work out...she's good medicine for me. She's showing me that Dom/mes can be kind and sane. She's been nothing but good to me, and I don't care what the circumstances are, or if people judge me. I have to secure something for my own happiness.

I'm going crazy here. I wish he'd come back so we can resolve this. I feel like our friendship is falling apart....maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I feel so sick...I hate fighting.

I want to get fucked up so much!!! I know it won't solve anything...but those with shitty lives will understand my need for escape. Sometimes it feels good to get the hell out of reality for awhile. I just hate that I keep wondering what it would feel like to get out of reality forever.

Fuck. I've got to stop dwelling on thoughts of suicide.

I always gravitate toward the idea of killing myself when I get really upset. I just feel tired of dealing with shit...ugh. I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know.

Oh...and the boy? Fuck the goddamn boy. I hope he rots in hell.

I think that might be everything, actually. I haven't updated in so long, that to try to recount everything that has happened since my last entry would be a pain in the ass. So fuck it.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to fucking scream. And get fucked up. And die.

Ok...that's all. For real, this time.

PEACE.

The Same Old Shit...

I don't wish anything bad on him at all, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I just can't fucking take it!!!

I can't take periods of not knowing what the hell is going on, and I don't think ANYONE in their right mind could really expect someone to cope with that and be totally fine.

Besides...I think I may have found a new interest. Not that it should come as any great shock, considering I tend to fall hard and fast for A LOT of people.

I just need to get rid of Jason. I feel sick when I think about my ties to him. I hate that I feel that way. I think it's obvious that I've grown out of that arrangement. It was fine when I was just learning, but I don't feel a submissive connection to him anymore. The only reason I continue to obey him is because of the commitment I made to him. I feel obligated to make good on my word until I tell him otherwise.

FML. What am I going to do? I seriously need to cut ties with a bunch of people before I can feel good about moving ahead with my current interest...of course, that could turn to shit as well. Such is my luck most of the time.

Tick, Tick, Tick!!!

I'm on the verge of a total freak out.

I can hear the time bomb ticking in my mind, ready to explode.

My Head Is About To EXPLODE!

I've got a headache that makes me want to kill defenseless little creatures... not to mention I'm still in a really shitty mood.

BLAH.

I Feel...

...really really alone. And depressed. And obviously trying to sleep it off didn't work.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Day number 2 of my meds...how wonderful!

:(

I feel on the verge of a freak out.

I'm gonna try to sleep it off...

Fuck.

My Brother Is Fucking Crazy...

UGHHHH.....

SAVE ME FROM THIS HOUSE! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Can't Sleep...Not That This Is A Surprise.

My thoughts keep me awake. It's really frustrating. I'm so tired all the time, but I just can't settle down to sleep. I've already tried a couple of times.

You know...I think the fact that I'm so tired right now is keeping me pretty mellow. My thought process is really clouded and bogged down, but it's not frantic. So...I guess that's good? It's weird. I'm having the exact same thoughts that caused me to freak out so badly last night, but I'm not freaking out now. I feel like I just smoked a shit ton of weed or something. I haven't (duh) but that's honestly the best thing I can think of right now to compare it to.

At this exact moment, I'm trying to reconcile all the bad shit in my life. I know that everybody has something they have to deal with, but I feel like I have to deal with a lot. It doesn't really seem fair, and it pisses me off a lot of the time.

Right now, I'm just trying to tell myself there HAS to be a good reason why I'm struggling with this so much. Telling myself that has to be a lot better than the other shit I could be saying to myself right now.

Last night the woman I talked to said depression kills a lot of people in this country, but not a lot of people realize that. I can see why it kills people. It just sucks out everything that makes life good. And it makes you not give a shit if it ever gets better again, because you lose all motivation. I guess the only way to get better is to talk to people, try a bunch of meds, and fucking white knuckle it. I can't will myself TOTALLY better...but I can will myself to not accept this shit as my life.

For now, I'm going to try to sleep again. Mulling over all these thoughts isn't getting me anywhere... so why bother?

God...

So...mom just woke up a little bit ago (for some reason my previous post was wrong on the time...I actually clicked post at about 5:20am or so)....ANYWAY....mom just woke up and I told her that I called a suicide hot line a little while ago and that it really helped me.

Her response?

"God, you kids are just fucking crazy. You are all going to be the death of me."

Gee, thanks mom.

Bitch.

Oh well. Why do I expect anything more from her, anyway? I mean...I know she's never really helped me in the way I need...

Fuck her. I don't need her. I need myself...and if she's not behind me, that's ok. I'll deal. Because I'm beating this shit one way or another.

Ok...goodnight. For real this time!!!

I Don't Think I've Ever Felt This Low...

Right now, right at this VERY instant, I'm at the lowest point (as far as moods go) in my life.

Oh, GOD. Oh my GOD!!!

This sucks. I seriously don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm sick...physically sick. I just threw up, actually. I have an anxious, hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like I've forgotten to do something really important, but there's no way to fix it....only, times 1000! Yes, that feeling...times infinity!!!!

BLAAAAAH!

I kinda want to call someone...but I don't want to wake anyone up. That's probably dumb, isn't it? Because I really need to talk...only, I don't know what to say.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok...so, I wrote the above crap a couple of hours ago. Then I called a suicide hot line. She was really helpful. She gave me a good little mantra. She said I need to "stop using depression to rationalize depression." And holy shit! It was an epiphany! I just think and think and talk and talk myself into this HUGE circle of depressed craziness, and all the while I'm not taking my meds, I'm not talking to my therapist and I'm not getting any better. Sitting around analyzing all my symptoms isn't going to help. It all goes back to the fact that I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED! BLAH!!!! It doesn't matter that I feel lonely, that I think about death all the time, that I can't enjoy anything, that I have negative thoughts....what matters is that I'm depressed and that I have to do something to change it.

I have to start setting really small goals for myself. I've been setting the bar too high. I set myself up for failure when I do that shit. I'm not going to make straight A's right now...I'm not going to take my medicine every single day just like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to organize everything and fucking be perfect. BUT I can write through my feelings. I can wake up at the same time everyday and shower. I can do little things...that can lead up to the other shit. I've got to stop making myself feel so overwhelmed...

I'm going to depend on writing. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm going to write through it. Which probably means I'm going to have millions of posts on here, because all of my fucking thoughts are negative.

But I'm really going to try...I have to try. If I don't, I'm just going to get worse. I'm going to sit here until one day I'm going to go off into one of my crazy spells and not come back. I'll snap and fucking kill myself. And I don't want to die. I really don't. I have a purpose, damn it! I have to fight this! I have to get angry at my depression! I AM ANGRY AT IT! It sucks out everything that is good...and I'm so tired of living in a cloud of negativity.

Ok, ok...I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully, I wake up with a fighting spirit to beat this shit in my life. Because I AM worth it! Even if no one else can see it, I know that I'm worth something and that I have purpose. I just have to dwell on that...and remember to not use depression to rationalize depression.

Goodnight.

It Really IS A Quiet Whisper...

I just had a spiritual experience in the shower. Funny, right? I'm being serious, though.

The events leading up to that are unpleasant. Yuck. I guess I'll share so the story makes sense, though.

I don't even know how the argument got started, but Dad and I started arguing about gays in the church...well, just gays in general. Obviously my family doesn't know I'm bisexual. Anyway...for the first time I found the courage to stand up and say exactly what I think about gays...that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality and that a good person who happens to be gay has a place in heaven just like anyone else.

Somehow, the argument got shifted to my beliefs in general...and this is where it gets...I don't know, weird or whatever. Anyway, I said that I believed in God and that I pray and that I try to focus on serving other people...and if that wasn't enough, I will have lived the best way I knew how. I kinda left out that I'm really, really pissed at God, though. I didn't know how well-received that would have been. Then I said this, "The thing that really upsets me about most modern churches and the way the majority of Christians act in general is that there is no focus on service. Everyone is so ready to analyze the bible to pieces to figure out who is going to heaven or hell, but no one is ready to reach their hand out and help another person who is suffering. That's what Jesus was all about, too. It wasn't what he said that initially drew people to him, it was what he did. His service to other people is what made people listen to him. Why should we be any different?"

After I said that, I felt...funny. I don't know. I needed to get out of the room. I got in the shower unceremoniously, but was instantly struck with some sort of revelation. I want to serve other people. I mean...I've always known this, but the FULL MAGNITUDE of my passion just hit me all at once. I want to live my life for other people, helping them with whatever need they may have. And in order to do that, I have to find a way to let go of my anger. I can't serve other people with so much bitterness in my heart. To serve others takes complete selfless joy. And that's a joy I haven't felt in a long time, honestly. I just started to cry when I realized I was the one holding myself back from being happy. I realized I'm the one that must find a way to release my anger in order to be the selfless person I feel called to be.

Then, I started to pray. Like...out of nowhere! It was so strange! I was just praying and crying in the shower. And I've never prayed a prayer like that...it just felt so real and I felt so connected to something higher than me...I'm just crying now even thinking about it. I asked God to help me be a selfless servant, like I know I'm called to be. I realized the connection that I have with Jesus. Yes, I ACTUALLY have a connection with Jesus. We both have servant's hearts. When I realized THAT, I was struck with this awful pang of guilt. I guess I never really gave Jesus a fair chance. He never did anything to me, personally. I've just been judging him based on how most of the "Christians" in my life behave. Most people who profess to believe in Jesus, or even FOLLOW Jesus don't act a thing like him. When I started thinking about everything Jesus did, I was struck by the selflessness...and that's how I want to be.

Anyway...my prayer was that God would accept me for who I am and help me to be a servant to others and to do so with a selfless, joyful heart. I also asked that he help me find a place I can go to feel a connection to him and also to my purpose. I really would like to go to church...but I'm afraid. I'm scared of getting in a church and it not being the right one. I'm afraid of my trust being shattered...because out of nowhere I just developed a little bit of trust in God. Just a tiny bit...and I really don't want some judgemental preacher obsessed with rules to kill that.

I need someone to help me. I feel so...confused. I know what my purpose is, without a shadow of a doubt...even if all the details aren't clear yet. I honestly feel as if I have been spoken to by God...but I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I don't know what steps I need to take in order to start doing what I'm meant to do. And I REALLY don't now how to let go of my anger and resentment....I still feel upset at God, you know. I mean...UGH. I just don't know about any of it right now...

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Why is it always so fucking hard to stand up and say "NO" when it's really what I need to do????

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers....AND The Thing I Wish I Had.

"I don't know if you can handle the death of a lover..."

Ever since he said that to me, it's all I can think about. That statement is echoed over and over again in my mind. No matter what I'm doing or thinking about, somehow these words worm their way back into my brain to torment me.

I don't know if I can handle the death of a lover, either. I really don't. But I do know that I have to ride this one out. I have to see where it goes. I'm already in too deep, and I can't control my feelings anymore.

When we talked on the phone yesterday he told me, "I've resolved myself to fate. What they're doing isn't going to make me better, just slow down the progression of me getting worse. And I've accepted that."

Of course, I started crying. I couldn't help it. I told him I hadn't really accepted it yet, and I didn't know how, but I really didn't like for him to talk like that.

He just said it was something I needed to accept. He said, "Look, I love you. And I want nothing more than to be with you for years to come, get married, and have a big house in the country where I can dangle you from the ceiling if you're bad." (at which we both laughed, though I was still upset). But then he said, "But that's just not how it's going to be. And you have to accept that."

I'm trying my best to accept this, so I can determine what the hell I should be doing. What if he's lying? That possibility is shrinking more and more in my mind...I don't know. If he is, he's one hell of a liar. But I don't know what the motive would be at this point. I think a lot more will be revealed when I go back to Louisville. When I'm back in town, if he tries to avoid seeing me at all, I'm going to be SUPER leery of the whole situation again. Still, I don't even think that will happen...he's been asking me almost obsessively when I'm coming back. I don't see him going from wanting me to come back sooner, to not wanting to see me when I get there. I don't know...

Oh, and you read that correctly earlier. He told me he loved me. We've been using the "L" word for awhile now. It just sort of happened. He said it first, and I realized that I really did love him. I know that's CRAZY. I know it is....but I can't help it. I wonder if he ever feels crazy for loving someone he hasn't met...after all, he is reciprocating everything that I'm giving....it's not one-sided and I'm certainly not the only crazy here.

Why is it that this sort of thing is all cutesy and romantic when it's in a movie, but in real-life, you feel like everyone must think you are an ass? I don't get it.

All I can say is this: if he's NOT lying, then I'm not going anywhere. I hate that I still have a seed of doubt in my mind...but I think I have some reason for it to be there, especially as I've been so hurt and certainly more than once. Anyway, if all he says is true, and he's sick and dying and all of this...well, then I don't care. I'm sticking with him. He makes me happy and (as I finally admitted) I love him. (The last person I loved crushed me...not long after I admitted it...fuck, I hope that doesn't happen again.) I can't push him out of my life just because he won't always be there. As he said, "We are ALL dying." And we are. I could die tomorrow, for all anyone knows. Anyone could get close to someone only to have them die soon after....so, I don't care about that. I really love him and need him...and I already know he loves and needs me. He always makes a point to tell me.

Ugh....I just wish I could have a more resolved feeling about this. I wish I had a reason to hope. :(

Sweet Submission---And A Lesson For Those Who Don't Understand!

Just because I am submissive does NOT mean I'm weak. That is one aspect of my personality, albeit a large one, but that does NOT mean that I'm beneath everyone. I willingly submit to who I choose, and I do so either A) Out of respect/devotion/love to someone OR B) In order to have an outlet for my submissive needs.

I don't think there is anything wrong with pursuing ways to get my needs filled, and I don't think that I'm degrading myself when I do so. Why should something that makes me happy be considered as degrading?

I just wish people could understand the fulfillment I find in submission. I find so much peace and joy in it. When I'm submitting, it's one of the few times I'm actually happy. If people could understand how wonderful and complete I feel when I bend to the will of another, maybe they would stop judging me for it.

Fuckers...

I Know, I Know...

...I just posted a little bit ago. I know that.

*sigh*

I want to be treated roughly. Very roughly. I want to hurt. I want to see welts on my skin, before they turn into bruises. I want to cry.

I miss seeing bruises on my skin.

I don't know how fucked up that is to most...but for me, it's something I want with all of my heart. I want to be used only for someone's pleasure other than my own. I want someone to use me until I break, and then scoop me back up and be my source of comfort.

Can I find that in the same person?

My need to be treated roughly has caused me to get hurt before...hurt in a way I didn't want. I want to know that the person that bruises and breaks me does so with love in their heart. That they do it to test my trust and my devotion. Not like before, when it was all about him. It was never about me. He didn't give a fuck.

God, that was so long ago. Oh, well...he doesn't matter. I just have to make sure that I keep a clear head, and that I don't let myself fall into the trap of some abusive asshole again because of my masochistic needs.

God...I don't know if anyone knows how much I need it...I'm afraid of admitting how much I need to feel that pain. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Really, it's quite cathartic. I can't describe the amazing emotional release I get when someone brings me to the point of tears from pain they've inflicted....

Anyway...that's what I need. I'm just having a hard time waiting for it....

Fuuuuuuuuck.

CRAVING COCK!

I've got SUCH a hellacious craving for cock! God, what I wouldn't give to have a wonderfully thick cock slamming down my throat!

Yup. That's all...

Was it necessary to share?

Probably not, but it's weighing on my mind right now...so there it is. :P

I'm SOOOO Not All There...

God...what is wrong with me???

Why can't I stay happy for long? :(

Ugh...I know work did this to me. I know that's why I'm in such a foul mood. But when I feel like this, I have a hard time remaining calm and realizing it will pass.

I go from being angry and irritated to TERRIBLY needy. Oh, GOD...I'm such a needy little FUCK.

It's not so bad to need a friend to talk to...the problem arises when I start rummaging through trash in my past because I'm so fucking lonely.

Why can't I be like normal fucking people and get over it? Why can't I just call it a night, albeit a shitty one, and go to sleep??? No...instead, I deal with my anger and loneliness by dragging shit back into my life that I don't need.

*sigh*

UGHHHHHHH.......

I should have NEVER EVER EVER FUCKING CALLED HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHRRRGGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhh.....

I've got it BAD.

Soooo...

Yeah, I just posted. About two minutes ago, or something. But I don't care...

Am I stupid for falling all over again?

I'm terrified to admit it...but it's just how I feel. I truly can't help my emotions. I've NEVER had a good grasp on them...why would I now?

The funny thing is, I'm more terrified to admit how I feel because of my fear of how others will react. Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

Oh, well...I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. And yes, it's been broken. But I can't seem to bring myself to hide it away. I don't want to, really.

Anyway...right now I feel happy. I feel a deep sense of serenity...and I truly believe everything will be ok and work out. I'm going to follow my heart completely and not hold a thing back.

If I get hurt again, at least I will know that I gave all I had to something that made me happy once.

:)

Sweet Like Candy To My Soul

I'm so lost for you...

(Gotta love Dave Matthews Band.)

High on...what?

I can't sleep...my brain feels like it has dissolved. I feel so light--like air. I'm smiling all over myself. My body feels tingly...I'm nearly trembling, I feel so good. I literally feel so good right now that I want to cry. Is that crazy? I feel like I'm high...but I'm TOTALLY sober.

Anyway...thanks for this. ;-)

C'est l'amour?

Je ne sais pas...

*SIGH*

I feel so isolated from everyone and everything that I love!

:'(

Death Becomes Me

I am sooooo fucking sad.

It's just one of those days. I guess I should be used to them by now, as they are so very frequent.

Still, when this horrible sadness comes it absolutely cripples me. I can't function. I just want to lie down and die.

Tim and I just sat on the porch for a good hour or so and shared our deepest pain with each other. It was a very eye-opening experience. We are very much the same...you know, it's good to have him back. Not necessarily back home...just back in general. When he was strung out all the time, it felt like he was dead...like he had died, but I couldn't mourn and properly get over him, as he was walking around: a constant reminder of the brother I had lost. I told him that tonight...I told him how I felt that way. We just sat there and cried together. We both know what it feels like to want to die. We both know what it feels like to have close calls, too.

Why must we suffer so much? Why the fuck can't we just be happy? I wish I could make people understand what it's like to be so fucking depressed on a daily basis. The tiniest bit of joy can't last long when a person is depressed. It will die. Nothing good can remain in a depressed person's life.

*sigh*

Fuck this. Fuck it all. I want to die sooooooooooooooooooo fucking much. My life would be easier if I didn't have to live it at all. :(

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck...My Feelings = The Fucking Death Of Me!!!

I can't help how I feel...

I know it's CRAZY!

I know it doesn't make any sense...

And I don't even know for certain if he's telling the truth.

Is it fucked up that I actually believe him? That deep in my heart I believe him? My mind questions it, mostly because everyone wants me to...but I just can't help but to take what he says straight to my heart as truth.

I know it's CRAZY!!!!!!!

I wish I could control how I feel...I'm trying so hard to be smart, and to be cautious...I understand that people are just worried, and they just want to see me happy and safe.

I don't understand how I gave him so much power so quickly. I seem to do that with a lot of people. But, it's different with him...I didn't only give him power over my actions. See...I've given SEVERAL people control over my actions because I crave the feeling of being controlled. However, in all of those instances, I have kept my heart guarded. I was only in it to have someone to have fun with. That was all.

So, why the fuck is this so different? Why the hell is my heart so thoroughly convinced that this is right? I don't understand it! I'm sure people think I'm fucking stupid. Well, they are probably right. I AM fucking stupid to feel this way...I just wish I could help it.

Just hearing his voice again did something to me. I really DON'T understand it...

You know, after the second day of talking to him, I noticed that I WANTED to wake up. Usually, when I go to sleep, I could give two shits less if I wake up. I go to sleep thinking about dying. And I'm not kidding...after I talked to him, I wanted to wake up. I fucking SET MY ALARM in order to wake up to talk to him. He told me yesterday that he was going to call again today. So, I got up early, so that I would be awake when he did.

Why is it that I couldn't find the motivation to wake up for my fucking CLASSES AT SCHOOL...but I wake up for this man that I've NEVER seen in person???? What the fucking hell is wrong with me???

The funny thing is, all of these thoughts start to dissolve when I talk to him. It didn't take long to get back in the old rhythm of our conversations...and when that happens, I don't think about anything else. I've got blinders on to everything around me.

I'm fully aware of this fact, but I don't know how to get them off. I don't even know if I want to.

FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm done talking about it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm done worrying about it! It's my god damn life, and I'm going to do what I want and what I think is best for ME. And right now, I think it would be best to at least see what the hell is going on with him. I'm not a total idiot...he knows exactly how I feel. He knows how much he hurt me and how hard it is for me to fully accept that he's even talking to me again. So, it's not as if I'm just running away with him or anything. I haven't done anything crazy or wrong...I'm just talking to someone in order to determine whether or not they are a liar. I can't fucking help how I FEEL about it, and if people have a problem with it, I'll have to learn to say fuck it. I have to learn to do what is best for ME!!!!

*sigh* But I still don't understand it. Not one fucking bit of this whole, fucked up thing....

BLAH!!!!

So, my older brother is a drug addict, right? Right.

He is getting help, though...he called today and said that he's going into a rehab program on Monday. He's staying with us for the rest of the weekend until he can get to the rehab center on Monday.

That means he has to make it two days without dope. God, I hope he can do it.

Mom told me to hide all of the pills in the house. The stuff for dad's back pain...the stuff for her wisdom teeth pain...even my anti-depressants all have to be hidden. She's afraid he'll crack and take them.

He's already gotten so sick. He's thrown up some since he's been here.

It makes me sick to watch him. I know that's probably a really awful thing to say, but it's just how I feel...after all, this blog is supposed to be about raw emotion and all that shit, right?

Well, my raw emotions are reeling! It's not easy to watch someone you grew up with, someone you love, puking their guts up because they are going through drug withdrawals...

Ah, yet another thing to add to my list of heartaches. *sigh* I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now....but, no. Once again, I find myself alone when I need someone the most. C'est la vie...

So, I Haven't Jumped Off A Cliff...

...so that's good, right? And I'm still taking my fucking meds, for all the good they do.

I still haven't gotten over feeling this deep sense of heartache, though. I know, I know...I need to be patient...the right one is out there, blah blah blah...all that shit. I KNOW! But it's a lot harder to convince your heart of that, you know. No matter what my brain tries to say, I still have this nauseated, aching sensation in my body at all times.

I'm still wishing that he lived closer to me. I know wishing won't do any good...but I don't have anything better to do, so I'll mope about it a little more. If he lived near me, we would have met already...I'm SURE of that. He's been a really good friend and someone great to talk to. He's given me a lot of sensible guidance that no one else has. He's not selfish at all. Jason IS selfish. Terribly fucking selfish. He only messages me when he wants something.

Master isn't selfish, but for some reason, my feelings are growing cold for Him...I don't understand why.

God, I'm such a flake. No wonder I don't have anyone...I know what the problem is: I fall for people really quickly, only to realize they aren't for me...then I drop them on their ass...why do I do that??? I've been hurt so badly in the past that you would think that I would have a little more compassion...but, no...I still drop folks on their ass.

Oh, well...I just haven't found the right one yet. When I do, I certainly won't drop them on their ass. Hopefully, I'll have enough sense about me to know when they've come along. Hopefully I won't be caught up with some dumb ass while the right one is getting snagged by someone else.

Ok, I'm finished for now...I don't feel like thinking about it anymore, as it gives me a SPLITTING headache every fucking time.

Maybe Six Feet Ain't So Far Down...

I've never wanted to die so badly in my life. I HATE feeling this way! What's even worse is that I can't talk to anyone about it. I think I hate that even more.

Well, ok: I don't WANT to die...I really don't. I want to have a happy, successful life...but depression sucks that away from a person. It drains you of everything good, and MAKES you want to die. Depression makes you feel like death is the only option in order to escape the horrible feelings of loneliness and all that come with being depressed.

I feel all happiness being sucked from me all the time. If something happens to me that makes me joyful, even for a moment, my depression is there to kill it. My depression is there to remind me of something awful in my life.

This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to battle in my life. And it feels like I've been depressed forever! I just can't seem to beat this shit.

I took my meds again today. I took them yesterday for the first time in a very long time...I hate taking them. I don't think they work. I don't think anything will work for me...I think I'm doomed to be fucking miserable forever.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I still feel like dying. The feeling is overwhelming, actually. I've come very close a few times...but almost no one knows that. Mom certainly doesn't. Once, I had a jump rope tied around my neck and tied to a hook in the ceiling...I was getting ready to jump off the chair when I heard mom pull in the driveway, coming home from work and picking up my little brother from school. The guilt took over, and I quickly got down...I couldn't do that to my mother or little brother. Other times, I've held a knife to my wrists, or sat with a hand gun in my mouth. Just sat there, feeling the blade against my skin, or the metal between my lips. I get in this state of mind that is really hard to explain. It's this limbo between doing it and not doing it...I meditate on what would happen. What would happen if I jumped off the chair? If I allow the knife slice? Allow the gun fire? I know it's really sick, but that's just what goes through my mind...what would happen if I actually did it.

Obviously, I haven't. Each time, I come to my senses and I'm very shaken. I feel like another person takes over when I get in these moods...like I can't control my thoughts well enough to consider the weight of the consequences if something were to go wrong. I mean...I could have slipped trying to get that rope off my neck...sometimes I think about that. I think about how I could have slipped and hung myself. My family would have never known that I didn't want to go through with it...that I tried to get down. God, it makes me sick to think like that.

I've never confessed any of this to any of my therapists. They already treat me differently because I have suicidal thoughts...think of what they'd do if they knew I sit around with guns in my mouth! Jesus!

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to open up and talk to anyone about this shit, but it's killing me to have to bear it all alone.

God, I Wish HE Was Dead....

I fucking hate my father. I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!

It would give me no greater satisfaction in this world than to see him die. I want to watch him suffer...perhaps a heart attack. I want him to writhe in pain and die in front of me while I watch with glee.

Yes, I hate him that fucking badly. And I really don't care what people think about it. Some people might think I sound like a crazy, angry bitch...maybe they think I should have better control of my emotions.

Well, fuck them. Yup. Because I want him to die. He deserves it, and the people who would think badly of me for saying that don't know him very well. They don't know all the shit he's put me through. They don't know about all the times that he spanked me for no reason. How he spanked me until I had hand-print bruises on my ass. How he fucking spanked me until I pissed on myself...and how he did it on purpose to humiliate me. All of this when I was just a child...as I got older, he took to slapping my face, or hitting me with whatever was within his reach with where ever he could find an open spot on me to hit...

Being home brings all these memories back to the surface. With every fucking word he says to me, I get more and more sick. He is like a poison that runs through my veins, and I can't fucking stand it anymore.

And, once again, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't have a friend with a strong enough stomach, I suppose. People want me to cheer up...to try to be happy. Fuck that shit. I'd like to see someone be happy in a home where they have to live with the fucker that systematically abused them physically and verbally all of their life. How would they like it to live with their abuser, but to have to pretend like nothing ever fucking happened?????

God, it's times like this that I seriously want to die. He overwhelms me with so much anger and sadness and frustration that death seems to be the only viable escape from all of this shit. But I can't tell anyone THAT either...people tend to get very uncomfortable when you mention you feel like dying. That you WANT to die...once again, what weak-stomached friends I have...God, love them anyway.

Fuck...I need to get out of here. I just need someone to love me unconditionally and who can take me away from this. I wish I had someone to help me right now...

Fuck Fuck Fuck....I have to stop this shit and get ready for work now. I don't want to go in red-faced and obviously recovering from crying...

The Street Where You Live....Why Is It So Far From Here?!

I'm still wishing he lived closer to me. We've become good friends (by bonding over how fucked up so many people in the BDSM community are, haha).

We both have the same complaint: we just can't seem to find a decent person within a 100 mile radius. He tells me he wishes he knew more subbies like me...and I tell him that I wish Kentucky had a Dom that was worth a shit...i.e. a Dom like him. We've had great conversations about all types of things, kinky and vanilla topics alike. We've shared our DEEPEST fantasies...something I haven't even been able to do with Jason or Master!

And even though we are nothing more than casual friends who have wonderful conversations, I wonder if we could be more if it weren't for the distance. I wonder if we could see each other on a regular basis, if we could make a deeper connection. We've loosely planned to meet, since we enjoy talking so much. We talk everyday. In fact, I look forward to my conversations with him more than I look forward to talking to Master or anyone else. My priorities are probably fucked up, aren't they?

He makes me feel the way a Dominant SHOULD make a submissive feel: equal, but not the same. I'm very aware of his role (even though he has no direct authority in my life). I'm aware of who he is and his stature. He is aware of mine. There is a mutual respect and a certain amount of protocol involving our roles...but I feel equal to him. I love it. Even though I'm submissive, I don't feel lowly or below him. I don't feel like I have to grovel to talk to him.

If he is never able to be anything else, he is becoming a very good friend, and is great company to talk to. I love how he remains so positive about the potential of my love life, even when I'm not. He keeps telling me a submissive like me shouldn't be single for long...I hope he's right, but I just don't know.

God...I feel so desperate. I'm trying so hard not to show it. I'm pretty sure I'm not...but sometimes I'm afraid it will leak out and scare everyone off. A good friend told me tonight to not settle and to not be desperate. I'm trying very hard to avoid both of those things.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in such a dire need for a Dom that ANY Dom that is even halfway ok would seem PERFECT to me.

*sigh* I wish I lived somewhere else, where there was a more developed community of people with my interests.

Why does he live so fucking far away?!

This question could be asked in another way: Why does God seem to enjoy my misery?!

*sigh* I should be in bed...but I can't sleep.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

So, I didn't drown my sorrows...I did drink, but I'm not drunk. Just a little buzzed, I guess.

Drinking with mom was fun. I'm glad we had some time together without dad stepping on our toes...

And she wonders why I've wanted her to divorce the prick since I was in middle school...

I think I'm going to see if Master is awake now. I hope He isn't displeased with me...

Drowning My Sorrows...

I feel really sick...I hate to throw up, but I feel like I'm going to do just that.

I wish I could purge myself of how I feel, though...I'd be willing to bite the bullet and puke for a long damn time, if that were possible...

How great would that be? If you were depressed, or sad, or angry...you could just throw it up. Get rid of it and forget it, like you do with a meal that didn't settle well.

Wow, I'm crazy. Oh, well...I don't give a fuck.

Hmm...this was a VERY bad day...it was worthy of TWO blog entries!

*sigh* I'm going to go get drunk now...

Why Can't I Give Up The Goddamned Ghost?!

I don't know why he still crosses my mind, even though things obviously will not work out. Even if, by some snowball's chance in hell, he came to me with some unbelievably good excuse, I don't think I could buy it. I don't think there IS an excuse for what he put me through. And to think he had the fucking nerve to be worried about whether or not I would "cheat on" him. We were never even dating! He was the one making all sorts of promises and shit...he was the one "afraid of getting hurt" and the HE was the one who fucking DROPPED ME! The last thing he said to me was that he was going to the doctor again because he wasn't feeling well...and that's it. For all I know, he's fucking dead. (Even though he's NOT...because he was online since that time, he just didn't have the decency to let me know what the fucking hell was going on).

I'm just still really angry, you know? And I can't seem to get over how badly I was played...I haven't let that happen to me in a LONG damn time...I guess that's what I get for letting my guard down.

The trouble is, Master WANTS my guard down...and I'm finding it very hard to comply with His request. I might as well go ahead and spill that I'm VERY much into erotic hypnotism...and Master has hypnotized me several times. Today, however, He told me that He could tell I was not letting go fully. He wanted to know why...I told Him I didn't know. Let's just hope He couldn't tell I was lying...I didn't want to admit that I was still fretting over some jackass that decided to ignore me out of the blue...SHIT!!!!

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with Master. He has already talked about seeing me when I go back to school...which would be past the 90 day time period. He watched me sleeping today, and told me I looked like a princess....I just don't know how to handle this shit. No one has ever talked to me the way Master does...and with such sincerity! I almost want to laugh, because it feels so ridiculous that someone would actually WANT to treat me well. I can't make things work with Master, though...there's too much in the way. And I'm not going into all that shit...I just don't even want to think about it.

I'm scared of Master's feelings for me. He has already started telling me He loves me. Poor Dear. He has no idea that I'm going to crush Him. He doesn't know that I'm planning to walk away from all of this. I'm afraid to tell Him out of purely selfish reasons. I need someone in my life right now that actually gives a shit about me. If He knew that I could never bring myself to care about Him the way He wants me to, He wouldn't bother with me. I know it's that simple, therefore I'm keeping my mouth shut at the moment.

I don't know...He could take care of me. He could give me a home in a place I've always wanted to visit...living there would be awesome. :) I fucking hate school. I hate home. I'm growing to hate everything about this place and this whole state. Maybe I could just runway and be His slave...no one would even know where to find me.

Yeah, that sounds pretty enticing right now...

My Many Masters

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other..." Matthew 6:24

Leave it to me to bring the Bible into this. I already have enough problems without having to think about my feelings regarding Christianity or God. However, this verse intrigues me.

I serve many masters, really...though, they don't all go by that name. There is Master, of course. I think it is safe to say that He harbors the most control over me...I will drop everything and make excuses from here to the end of time in order to cater to what Master wants from me.

Then there is Jason, my Dom. We spoke very briefly today...He said He missed me, and I had to seriously choke back all the angry word vomit I wanted to spew at Him.

Then there is Spencer...he is only a friend that I've been talking to. He's a very decent person, and I love talking to him...but our conversations have grown more personal and much more sexual. We've discussed certain fantasies, and tomorrow I'm going to act on one...he requested a picture of it, and I complied. That happened out of NOWHERE.

I've just started to pursue someone else, as well...we are only starting to get to know each other...but I feel he is important to mention, just so you can get a sense of how many ways I'm being split.

It's exhausting! I have to make up excuses...work out the time of when I'm supposedly "sleeping" so I can talk to one man when another thinks I've gone to bed...that sort of thing. My mom calls it robbing Peter to pay Paul. That's exactly what I'm doing...by trying to serve more than one master, I've done NONE of them justice...

Yet, when I lay down at night, I'm alone. And who do I think of? Oh, very good...you guessed it! Even though I said my goodbyes without a word in response, I still think of him. Master wants me to imagine myself in His arms as I sleep...I try, but I'm so troubled by how things played out with him that I often cannot imagine being in Master's arms. I know He is puzzled when I tell Him I sleep poorly. He wonders why...He has NO idea that so many others are on my mind, at all times. He thinks I'm such a good girl.

I want to be a good girl, but maybe I'm not....maybe I'm just a bitch that really needs to feel like she's being put in her place. I need control so badly that I'm growing more willing to accept it from whoever is willing to exert it over me. I know this puts me in a precarious position...but with the way things are going in my life in general, I don't care what happens to me.

Anyway...I guess the point of this entry is that I have NO idea what I want, and so I'm spreading myself everywhere. I'm spreading myself so terribly thin. I'm serving more than one Master...and instead of loving just one, I'm growing to hate them all. And not ONE really did anything to me....then again, I hate a lot of people these days. People can fuck off and die...just as a general rule.

*sigh* I need out of here.

FUCK IT ALL!

I'm sinking deeper into my depression. I can feel it killing me from the inside out. I don't know what to do. I hate taking medicine, and I honestly don't believe it works anyway.

I feel like no one cares how I feel. When I try to get all the things off my chest that need to be said, people stop me in my tracks. They change the subject. No one wants to hear about my problems...can't say I blame them, really. I don't want to hear about them anymore, either.

*sigh* I don't know...I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same old shit. I'm tired of feeling the same way everyday. I've felt like shit for years now. YEARS. I wish people could understand the toll that can take on a person.

I'm not sure what people think of me. I'm growing to believe that people think I feel this way for attention or something. FUCK THEM. It's not for attention. I'd rather be happy and have people leave me the fuck alone, rather than being miserable and feeling so goddamn needy. I don't WANT to need people, but I do.

The question is, who needs me? Answer? No one...absolutely fucking no one. I realized today that if I died, people would probably go through the standard mourning period, but would probably feel much relieved that I wasn't there to bring them down anymore. That's all I'm good for. I can't help it, but at the same time I do realize that to be the truth.

God, I'm so unhappy. If I have to wake up one more day with this heaviness in my chest and knowing that no one cares about me, I'll just die.

Heartache: Some Things Never Seem To Change

God, I'm so fucking hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He hasn't spoken to me since May 1st...and hasn't even been online since May 7th. I don't understand what could have happened. I've been trying to ignore it. I've been waiting to see if he would come back, with some crazy good excuse as to why he hasn't spoken to me in so long. But, he hasn't.

So, today I sent him what will probably be the last message I ever send him. It was a goodbye message. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. I had put so much trust in him. And he crushed it all. Silently crushed every last bit of it. He didn't even have to say a word...it was what he didn't say. It was how long he waited to say anything.

I should probably feel like he was a loser, and that I was too good for him. You know, something like that in order to help me get over it. But I can't find it in myself to believe that. He seemed so perfect. I felt like I had found someone that had real potential as a friend, Dom, and lover. But, no. Yet again, I find myself coming up short.

This always happens to me...people lead me on. They hurt me. I'm trying desperately not to become a jaded bitch that does the same to other helpless people...but the idea of that is growing more and more appealing. I want someone to feel as bad as I do. I want someone to have to share this pain.

*sigh* The sad thing is, I feel like I don't have any options. Yes, Master is quite good to me. He makes me happy...but a relationship with Him is not practical for various reasons. I'm planning on walking---no, skipping away after 90 days. I'm going to break His heart in half. He will feel it in every pore of His body...the pain will radiate through Him. I know He didn't do anything to deserve it...but neither did I. And right now, I think hurting an innocent person is the only way I could feel better. Who knows if it will actually work or not?

Will I ever find a suitable Dom? Someone who will give me direction in my life? Someone I can share my life with? I am so desperate to feel controlled that I'm looking anywhere to get it. I'm lowering myself and my standards in order to feel controlled. It's a very addictive drug. I can't explain it. I wish I could. Perhaps if I could understand this need better, I could defeat it.

Oh, yeah: Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason. Fuck Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For someone who is supposedly my "Dom," He doesn't seem to give a shit about me. I can't remember the last time we spoke...

Why don't people care about me? I'm so tired of pouring out my love and getting none in return. I feel like a sponge that has been squeezed to the very last drop. I have nothing left to give anyone anymore. Until I start feeling loved by others, I can't find it in my heart to love ANYONE.

Grin and Bare It

I have now appeared naked to Master. I feel very good about it. It feels good to have surrendered my mind and body to another person. It's a huge risk, but the payoff is amazing. I don't have to worry about consequences. It's Master's job to worry about the consequences of my actions. My body and mind belong to Him...it feels fabulous!

Still, in the back of my mind, I have so many fears and worries. I worry about what other people would think. I worry about Jason. I fear that I am getting sucked deeper into Master, and I won't be able to walk away so easily after 90 days...

I don't know...I'm going to try to live my life one day at a time. Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. If Master makes me happy, how bad could it really be? He relaxes me...He helps me sleep at night...He gives me such amazing release.

He actually cares about me! For ME!!! I don't feel like anyone else has ever done that. I must admit that I have a basic mistrust of almost everyone, and so I asked Him, "Master, why do you even care about me?" I wasn't trying to hear an answer to puff up my self worth...I truly wanted to know. He answered that He found me intriguing, interesting, intelligent, and exciting. That I turn Him on...not just physically, but mentally.

I need to know that. I need to know that I have some worth and use in relation to another person. And no one else ever lets me know. Everyone else insists on badgering me for their own amusement. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm the butt of everyone's jokes. No one can be serious with me, even though I crave sincerity. I want to know that I'm loved and useful to the people that I share my life with, friends and otherwise...yet no one can seem to find it in their hearts to tell me.

But Master does. He tells me exactly how He feels about me, and hides nothing. And I do the same for him. I need more people like that in my life...but I don't know how to get them. I don't know where to find them. Whenever I am open with friends who give me a hard time, I feel like they dismiss my feelings. I know they are only joking, but after awhile it really starts to hurt. I wonder if they even know that.

I've been told that I shouldn't care what others think, that my worth should be self-based. Yes, of course I know that...but whenever everyone is telling you that you are stupid, an idiot, untalented, even crazy...how am I supposed to believe anything I would LIKE to think is true about myself? It seems to me that it is a cruel contradiction for the people who tell you to find self-worth to be the same people who constantly cut you down. I don't understand why they do it. The only thing that makes that scenario something I can handle is that I give them the benefit of the doubt...I tell myself they must not know how they hurt me. However, it's getting harder to tell myself that, especially when I DO tell people when they hurt me, and they seem to shrug it off.

*sigh* This went from being happy about Master to being extremely depressed about everyone else in my life. I'd better stop now...I've made myself cry thinking about all this shit, and I have to leave for work very shortly. God...I think it's going to be a long night. :(

Who's Your Daddy?

So, I always thought that calling someone "daddy" would be kind of creepy...

...I don't think that anymore.

It's actually pretty fucking hot, and also comforting in a strange way. Master knew just how to help me sleep last night...He helped me imagine that I was lying in His arms...in "Daddy's arms," as He put it. Instantly, I became aroused...it was just so hot to hear Him say that. He knew I was very aroused, too. And He knew I wouldn't be able to sleep like that, so He allowed me release. He is a very kind Master. He knows when I need release, and He allows me to have it. I have to ask permission, of course, but He delivers...and that's definitely a change from what I'm used to.

Then, He talked to me until I fell asleep. He never left. He didn't get too tired to talk to me, and He didn't leave while I needed Him. No one has ever done that for me. Ever.

He is a very caring Master, indeed. I think I'm growing more and more glad that I've accepted his training. I'm not sure where it will lead. (Probably nowhere, to be honest...I must admit I'm rather flaky). Even if it DOESN'T lead anywhere, this time won't be spent in vain...

I believe He was sent to me to help me fight the loneliness I was feeling. Master won't let me feel lonely this summer. Bless Him for that.

Yes, Master...

Someone has taken control of me for a trial period of 90 days. He is offering long-distance slave training.

Am I an idiot for accepting?

I like Him a great deal...He is mentally stimulating. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other people I've met via the Internet.

I'm afraid of the control I've already given Him. I've come to refer to Him as Master. I don't think Jason (my Dom) would be very pleased that I've accepted a Master without telling Him...

Jason has always said that His collar is open to me forever, and if I want to pursue someone else, He should be happy for me...but He wishes to know.

Yet, I haven't told Him.

I'm a terrible fucking subbie. Yup.

So, I have no clue why I've accepted slave training. I'll probably make a far worse slave. Oh, I hope not... :-/

I guess I'm just hurt. SO FUCKING HURT!!! And very, very lonely. So, someone comes along and wants to understand every part of me. He wants to know what makes me tick...what is so wrong with that?

I know because I'm trying so hard to justify it, that there MUST be something BAD WRONG with this whole ordeal...but I'm so desperate to feel a deep sense of control and power over me that I don't fucking care anymore. I just want to be controlled. I want my will to be broken, and I want to be rendered helpless by someone that can love me.

This probably sounds CRAZY to whoever the hell reads this...but I don't think I care. Anyway..."Only Master and I matter." Ah, the mantra of a slave...if only I could convince my mind that what my body and emotions are feeling is true. Perhaps then I would be at peace.

I haven't taken my crazy meds in a week or so...I'm not sure why. I think it's my subconscious rebelling against the stuff. I HATE being on anti-depressants!!!!!!

Urgh...I guess I should go take them. If any of my friends who know I'm on meds knew that I'm not taking them regularly, they'd probably be on my case about it. *sigh*

Maybe I SHOULDN'T have given this blog to a close friend, as a "secret way to communicate."

:P

Strumming My Pain With His Fingers...

Today during my break at work, Killing Me Softly With His Song came on and I almost broke down and cried. Don't ask me why...maybe it's because I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat anyway, and it doesn't take much to provoke me. I really had to suck it up, as I was sitting in the dining room and there were customers out there and such. But I could feel tears stinging at my eyes and I felt so fucking sad. I was texting James and I don't think that helped much...*sigh* I miss him so much! I've only been away from him for a couple of weeks or something, but it feels like I haven't seen him in ages. I guess I need to make more friends around here, or I'm going to be miserable this summer. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking lonely all the time.

Now that I'm home, at least I can cry in peace. :*(

I'm About To Slap A Bastard!

So...married guy that I had phone sex with won't leave me the fuck alone. After he told me he was married, I said my goodbyes, but he can't seem to take a fucking hint!!!!

He keeps messaging me in every venue he can possibly think of...he even created a facebook in order to reach me. Sad, eh?

Anyway...I think it's time for Jason (my Dom) to step in...I just feel a little foolish because I let things go to far too quickly. I don't know what to do. :( I hope He won't be mad or disappointed in me...I don't think I can take it! :*(

My feet are killing me! Work was good tonight, except for the dumb ass I was stuck with. I swear, I wanted to slap her so hard!!! Fortunately, she doesn't work tomorrow...so I'll have a nice break from stupidity on the job. :)

On online friend/Dom from Minneapolis and I were talking about how I enjoy this job, because it is kitchen work and as a submissive I really love cleaning and cooking for other people. Then we started talking about how awesome it would be if it were a BDSM pizza place, complete with a play-dungeon in the back. All the subbies would be in the kitchen (as they should be) and a Dom would be hanging out, giving orders. We had a good laugh over it...

The REALLY funny thing is tonight at work, one of the guys saw that I was stocking the bar while some other workers were just standing around. So, he said to me, "That's a good girl..." And I had to catch myself not to say, "Thank you, Sir." LOL!!! Perhaps I'll make it a BDSM pizza place, yet! :P

*sigh* I need to hear that I'm a good girl more often...wow, that sounded pitiful, didn't it? Oh well, it's true. I don't know a submissive that would tell you otherwise, to be frank. We crave that compliment. We want to know we are a good girl to the one we serve. It lets us know we are useful, loved, and that we are pleasing to our Dom...that's what's most important, after all. :)

And it all comes back to this...damn it! How does it always come back to how bad I need a Dom in my life? My OWN Dom! *grrr* I suppose it's because that is the most pressing thing on my mind right now. I feel really lost and frustrated... :(

Fuck this. I'm done for now...if I open this can of worms, I'll never stop this entry.

I just got in from my second night on my new job. I like it really well...I just can't stand being around socially retarded dumbasses. Yup.

So...tonight I'm just kicking myself in the ass. I can't believe I gave someone so much power over me so quickly. I was too fast to trust. I hoped too quickly. And what did it get me?

I don't even know how to reach him. I don't even know if I want to reach him. I keep thinking...what if he comes to me, let's say, a month from now...and he has some crazy story about why he couldn't talk to me for so long...would I believe him? I don't know...I can honestly say I really don't know what I would do.

Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing now. I guess I'm just focusing on my work. I'm keeping my ears open and my mouth shut. I'm trying not to think about my personal life...it just hurts too fucking bad.

The bad thing is that when I come home at night, there's nothing to save me from thinking. Everyone at home is sleeping...there's no one to talk to. I'm left with some sad-ass song playing as background music to my even sadder thoughts. That's when the crying starts...it's already started tonight. It will probably last for another hour or so...just crying. Then I'll go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole shitty cycle over again.

Why doesn't he come back and break the monotony again? I had come to depend on him for that...

FUCK HIM. Fuck him for making me feel this way. Even if he DID have a damn good excuse, I don't know if I could get over how he's made me feel for the past two weeks.

*sigh* Only time will tell...and I'm damn impatient!

Unowned

I've determined that being an unowned submissive is probably the worst feeling in the world. For someone who craves ownership and belonging, to not have these things is absolutely tormenting.

The thing is, I have a Dom...and He would probably be quite put-off to hear these feelings. For all intents and purposes, I AM HIS SUBMISSIVE. I belong to Him in that sense...however, it is not the complete sense of belonging I need. He is more of a mentor, a guide, and a friend than anything else. Yes, we have play sessions...but there is no sex. There can't be any sex. He is in a committed relationship with His slave (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and sex is out of the question. Not that I would want to have sex with Him anyway...it wouldn't feel right. That's not what I'm saying...this isn't a bitch session because I have a Dom that I can't have sex with....it's a bitch session because I DON'T have a Dom that I CAN have sex with...

And sex isn't the main issue here. It really isn't. As much as I love sex, and need and crave sex, it's not my greatest need. My greatest need is to be owned and collared by a loving Dominant in a committed relationship...and that's the need that isn't met. I often look in the mirror, and just stew over how bare my neck looks. I want to feel the weight of someone's collar around my neck. I want to be reminded that I'm owned, cherished, loved, and taken care of. I don't have that right now. I don't have the reassurance of being owned in the fullest sense of the word. It doesn't matter that my Dom has power over me...He does NOT own me for all that I am. I feel like half a submissive.....and it makes me positively sick.

However, I wouldn't want to be without Him. Don't mistake me on that. The world of BDSM is not really a kind one, I've found. There are all sorts of sexual predators that hide under a thin disguise of being "Dominant" when really they are just a bunch of perverts there for kicks. They prey on unowned submissives...those are the easiest targets. Someone who wants to be owned...someone who is so eager to please and serve...who could ask for a better target? While wading through all of this bullshit, I feel lucky to have someone to run to. I have a protector if something goes awry. If something goes sour, my Dom is on it...and that is His responsibility. It's very comforting to know I have a safety net when so many others do not. I appreciate Him more than I could EVER say for everything He has done for me.

But He still cannot give me all that I need. So, I'm on the hunt...and it's the most frustrating search I've ever had to make. Bless my Dom for helping me in this search! Yes, you heard correctly: He is helping me find someone else. However, the search still really sucks. You think the dating scene is frustrating? Try looking for a sensible Dom! I've found that the more restrictions you place on what you want in a future partner, the harder it is to find them. Looking for a true-hearted and trustworthy Dom is no easy task.

The annoying this is that I keep being told that a submissive like me never stays unowned for long. Various Dominants that I have talked to (that are WONDERFUL, but for one reason or another, not right for me) keep saying that I have to be patient, because it won't be long. Well, perhaps it wouldn't be long if I could stop getting caught up in the bullshit. I keep thinking that I've found someone really worthwhile...then they turn out to be full of it. SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING.

*sigh* I'm done with this for now...the more I dwell on it, the more depressed I feel. One more thing, though...if you've made it this far, and you are confused or anything, check this out:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominance_and_submission

It's not perfect, but it will give you a better idea on things...if you are even interested.

First Entry...Might As Well Dive In!

Extreme loneliness + extreme boredom + making an ass of yourself + being on your period =

A steady stream of crying that won't seem to stop...

I can't stop crying, and it's getting rather annoying. My glasses are getting all speckled and gross. My eyes are getting puffy and itchy. I'll hate myself in the morning, when they are all swollen and red.

God, nobody knows how much I cry. It's on an almost daily basis. I can't help it...I have to have some form of release or I'd blow up. Hopefully this blog will become another form of release, and I won't have to cry as much.

Loneliness...it's because he hasn't talked to me in almost two weeks. Friday will make two weeks, to be exact. I have no fucking clue where he went, or what happened...but he isn't interested in talking to me, I suppose.

Boredom...fuck this town. I hate being home. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Kill me, please.

How did I make an ass of myself? Why not take the plunge? Having phone sex with a guy I've known for two days only to find out he was married definitely wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Refer to "loneliness" if you want a clue as to why I did it in the first place. Maybe if he had talked to me, I wouldn't feel so fucking desperate. I hate being that way...so damn needy. But it's just where I am right now. I'll have to deal.

Being on my period...well, enough said, don't you think?

Anyway...if you made it this far: you are one brave soul.

I hope I didn't scare you off...that is, if anyone even reads this damn thing.